And Sometimes There Are Ants

It is Halloween this evening, and it seems right that nesting among the glorious foliage depicted by one Jan van Os, in the picture above, that there should be the ants and flies and snails: those things we consider itchy, dirty and slimy amongst that which we know to be beautiful.
So few artists dare to describe the truth. They look at the bugs crawling through the petals of each orchid and make them disappear with another swoosh of their paintbrush. People in soap operas never go the toilet  and women in the blogosphere pretend everything in their world is wonderful even when they find themselves standing in the kitchen stuffing a vintage tea-towel into their mouth to choke back tears they do not want their children to see.
I know because I’ve been there and I am continue to describe the dark side of all that is pretty in my life because when I reach out to you, you all join hands and wrap your arms around me in the kind of virtual hug that says “you aren’t alone, we are wise here, we have seen it and we have done it and you will be fine…”. I tell the truth because I cannot inspire you without it. And inspiring you, in my own batty, demented, procrastinating way continues to be my most dearly held ambition. So I spill out my twisted, raw, terrified guts and you pick me up and whisper “carry on…”. I tell the truth and hope that someone else out there hears me and just for a moment, no longer feels alone.
So on this, the darkest, grimmest night of the year I want to say thank you, to all those of you who have taken the time to tweet, comment or email me in the last forty eight hours. I cannot repeat often enough how very much I appreciate your kind words, your encouragement and the rage you feel on my behalf! I have booked an appointment with both Citizens Advice and a solicitor and have been force feeding my little one sherbet lemons, which magically seem to be doing the trick!
After another morning in children’s hospital, I have also decided to board a train and take Finn and myself back to the refuge that is my sisters house, so we can spend a few days with our new baby Clarry, muddling through the days on baby-time and reveling in the gorgeous scenery of the Cotswolds. I will be away until Monday when I hope to return refreshed and hopeful all over again, ready to fight another day and tell a few more truths, with a little boy fighting fit for ready for his return to school.
In the meantime I want to offer another million thank-you’s for your support. For making Finley and I that little bit safer in these four walls; for reminding me what I am here for, and for being women- wonderful, precious women I know I can always, always rely on, come what may.
I am off to pack my shiny red bag. To bob apples, light my pumpkins and keep my fingers crossed that I do not wake up to find that a bunch of not so cute little imps and goblins have wrapped my car up in loo roll again, like they did last night…
Happy Halloween Housekeepers! May all your bugs be friendly.