Hairy Face and Housekeeping.

By Alison February 2, 2007 13 Comments 1 Min Read

Housekeepers I have the answer to the eternal problem of the messy house and lady moustache. It is simple. Darlings just invite someone you want to impress aroundon a regular basis: be it a gaggle of yummy mummies from the local toddler group, Mr and Mrs We Are Better Than You from across the road or a man who thinks he can read you like a book, by pyscho-analysing your bookshelves and inspecting your face in candlelight.
Something about inviting someone into your humble abode has  you seeing your world and your toenails in a whole new light. I have been in such a frenzy today whipping the house into shape that it is now looking dementedly pretty.  With my poor little boy banished to his bedroom with a gang of action men who will go downstairs on pain of death. I am the wickedest Mummy since mmm, somebody name a Mummy wickeder than me please??
My house is sparkling. I have depilitated everything fuzzy everywhere. From the bobbles on the carpet to the sideburns to rival Amy Winehouses’ creeping down my face. Red wine is breathing on the table. Candles are dissolving the smell of the mouldy brocolli I forget about in the kitchen. I am wearing my very silly false nails and a white blouse I like myself in and all would be well with the world were it not for the fact that I forget that as the perfect hostess I imagine myself to be, I am required to provide food. Wine and song I can manage tonight, but somehow or other food slipped my mind, and cheese and biscuits probably won’t pass muster…
Dizzy doesn’t describe me. Hey ho, hey ho, it’s off to Marks and Spencers we go. How do you Americans manage without the wonder that is M&S?


  1. Claudette says:

    Alison, I do admire your honesty re. facial hair, but darling, never, ever compare youself to the walking car-crash that is Amy Whinehouse! Apart from her burns, what's with the prison tatts?! As for M&S, so glad you are a happy customer, if only you had an inkling of the work that goes on behind the scenes. A mummy wickeder than you? Jackiey Goody. YUK! The complete antithesis of the wonderful mother you are.

  2. Lorraine says:

    You're right, I should invite some friends over forthwith and my house would get clean in a jiff!
    We used to have M&S here in Canada; there was one in my local shopping mall. It closed up years ago and I still miss it! I couldn't get out of there without buying a bag of Wine Gums. I recently gave up candy so I'm over that, but their Christmas Cake and frozen foods I still crave.
    Have a fun time with your guest(s)!

  3. Kim says:

    I wish that we had M & S. AND, Boots! How I love Boots!

  4. Racheal says:

    Your description is always so good, it creates such a clear picture in my mind.
    Why is it that we can kick ourselves into gear for visitors but not just for ourselves.
    I really should have people over more often.
    Racheal x

  5. Susana says:

    How funny! At times I totally flip out when the doorbell rings unexpectedly. I want my home to all cosy and rosy for my family, and for anyone who so wishes to drop on by. I would love to just tell people, "Oh please just come on by anytime you'd like." That would be nice. Ok, Alison, I'm joining you today. Maybe then I can have a friend or two over tonight!

  6. So do tell! Who is coming????
    I must be the first American on the scene…the answer to the last question is Wal-Mart! It is akin to oxygen these days.

  7. Danielle says:

    Ooh I want to know who's coming too? Anyway you can't possible be worse than "old Terrible Mother" here. And you know what, I picked up a tub of Jolen bleach the other day but put it back thinking it surely must only be for old ladies. But after close inspection I fear I need it after all! Hope you enjoy your sparkly house and mystery guest. xx

  8. Tanya says:

    Oh I am a wickeder mummy than thou? or something like that… I miss M&S and Boots and WHSmith, nothing like that here in the south of france 🙁

  9. Flopsy says:

    Don't forget to add a sign:
    if you want to see me come anytime, to see my house only by appointment!
    Thanks for the tongue in cheek stories.
    Have a nice week-end!

  10. nancy says:

    Perhaps its just an American thing but the worst mommy here – Joan Crawford and I am sure you are not nearly as mean as she was depicted.

  11. Heather says:

    Marks&Sparks used to be in Canada and I cannot tell you how much I miss it!!

  12. ashley says:

    I was going to say Mommy Dearest (Joan Crawford) too…my girlfriend and I used to re-enact the movie and scream "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!"…we thought it was funny…and, a friend of mine from college used to call her facial hairs "beard hairs" and that has stuck with me throughout life. I still have beard hairs popping up now and then. I have a couple that I refer to as "Bill & Judy". Nothing's ever wrong in their world (or it would appear so!) Bill and Judy have the perfect Christmas card, the perfect kids, the perfect most fabulous days. I would like to know what goes on behind Bill & Judy's doors…hmmmm? Have fun!

  13. Rhonda in OK says:

    I must be just a dumb Okie but I want to know more about what Marks and Spencer is. Is it a grocery store or megastore or?
    We mostly just turn to Wal-mart when we need stuff.
    Have Wal-marts made to England yet?

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