Hole In The Head.

By Alison January 17, 2007 15 Comments 3 Min Read


Life has, in the weeks  since  Christmas, taken on a new  pattern.  As if something has shifted inside me and I find myself  entering another phase  of  grief or perhaps more positively, renewal.

If I tell you something, will you promise not to judge me? You see I fully expected there to be a knight on shining armour. I truly did.  I thought that somewhere along  the way some  faceless man would see me  kind of drowning and come  fish me out of  the water.  Pop me back on my pedestal and empty my bins forever after.

Even in this post feminist, enlightened age, I just didn’t picture myself muddling through my days without a man to throw a coat over puddles or tickle my feet on demand. And yes I do know how ridiculous that sounds but it is the truth. I have spent fifteen years being molly-coddled at my own insistence by both Mark and my Dad (there never was a Daddy’s girl like me!). I say jump and they perform an entire circus act of somersaults on my behalf.  Scandalously until Mark left I never had to make myself a cup of tea  and I still can’t work out how to change a fuse…

It’s not that I am neither independent or strong enough to manage. I am both.  I just don’t wanna. Isn’t it awful?  I don’t wanna. But you know what?  I gotta.

Realisation has dawned. In this brand new world nothing is going to get done  unless  I get off my very fat bum  and do it  myself.  Yes Dad or poor  John (very, very useful having a single man on your doorstep) from next door will  no doubt come running if my life is in danger or there is a mouse living in my fireplace. And of course there are any number of other peoples husbands within spitting distance to call upon when my tires need changing or my kitchen tap explodes as it did in the summer (Picture the scene: water spurting everywhere and me standing in the back garden, soaked to the skin and yelling for a man, any man to come stop the flood! And come, thank goodness they did!). But the fact is that it is me who has to lock up at night and run through the darkness in fear of  rats and bogeyman.  It is me who from now on has to pull up the weeds and drag the  ludicrously heavy  wheelie bin out for collection.  I’m going to be the one up on a ladder re-painting the living room in a few weeks time and it will be me who will be sitting, shivering at Finley’s bedside in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep because his blankets are "ripped"…

I know in my position other women declare themselves strong, join a car maintenance class and spend their evenings with their head in a DIY book . I know they declare themselves feisty in the face of abandonment and vow never to be beholden to one of the selfish buggers ever again. I know all this, but aren’t even they aching for the occasional welcome home kiss?

I am. Sheer loneliness constantly gets the better of me. 
And yet in the past few weeks it is as if acceptance has settled on my St Tropezed shoulders. I’m working like a demon and loving it. Making plans for all our tomorrows and living in the moment with the most affectionate babba in the country. I am closing my ears to Mark’s constant criticism and living according to my own rhythm.

Even if that does mean crawling into bed with a book at nine o’clock every night…   


  1. Ann Marie says:

    This is how it is and you have to make new ways. I still struggle with the wheely bin thing, but still would not trade a hard, rotten, tiring day for all the judgemental, eternal disappointment days of my marriage.Don't let your mind drag you down, keep thinking upbeat and you will be; it's ok to feel frustrated.

  2. Marietta says:

    My heart aches for you. You are such a wonderful person. Your blog gives comfort to who knows how many people everyday. You need someone to comfort you. Well this is the best I can do. A big virtual hug! ((((((ALISON))))))))
    Oh and by the way,"Mark's constant criticism"? Where does he get off? He has no right to criticize you!
    I'm sure your Knight in shining armor will come knocking soon!

  3. Crystal T says:

    Your honesty is refreshing. Damned man! They are so frustrating and yet we always need and love them some way. Wishing you find what you need- You sound too wonderful to be lonley for long.

  4. Kim says:

    I was single a long time before I met my husband (not even a boyfriend in sight!), so I got stuck doing all of those annoying tasks like putting together bookshelves from IKEA & dragging out the Christmas tree. Though I was always glad that I was capable of doing them (and still am), I always thought, "gosh, this would be so much easier with a little help!". But, I'd rather do crappy little stuff by myself than deal with crappy big stuff with the wrong guy!
    I'm sure that you'll find the right man for you one day, but in the mean time, you can know that you are capable of being happy by yourself & taking care of yourself.

  5. La Chouette says:

    I agree with Marietta. Mark has NO RIGHT to critize, especially after what he did to you. Who does he think he his?

  6. Gena says:

    Mark is criticising you? how dare he!!! pay heed to Germaine Greer, and I quote " A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" he is just not worthy of you.xxx

  7. Heather says:

    Hi my name is Heather. I read your blog everyday and it helps. My husband walked out on me in the middle of the night last February. I'm with you on still believing in knights in shining armour. Ok…so maybe the armour is a bit tarnished:) I know I'm better off with out him but I still miss the idea of him…husband, house, children…I think it's refreshing when a woman who has been through these things hasn't become hard hearted and bitter. We all need dreams and fantasies. They enrich our lives. Don't give up on finding your knight! My only advice is to do your best to learn what you need to get by and make yourself happy. Lord knows you'll need it when you do find that man on the white horse!

  8. Tracy says:

    Alison, yes dear, live according to your own rhythym! Your knight will come when you least expect it. xx

  9. cherished says:

    Hi Alison
    It is so great to 'hear' your true heart, the heart of a soft, gentle woman. Heather is spot on about not getting bitter. And who needs the teaching of Germain Greer? She's not a happy woman herself… Down with the feminazi!
    The pioneer women were true genteel ladies, and had to be tough, rough and ready on call. Out of necessity, not bitterness and "I WILL show this man who's boss.." Oh no. Women of true substance, holding passionatley to their softness, their womanhood. Who, pray, wants to be like a man anyway?
    Oh, btw ~ anybody has any right to criticise another. It's up to us what we will do with that criticism…Hopefully it builds a strong, honourable character in a woman, not a "I can do anything, I can fix anything, I am better than man, I don't need a man" attitude.
    Of course we need men. They're wonderful. I truly hope your Knight, whether it be the lovely Mark, or another, comes to your aid real soon, so that, as in Pretty Woman, you can 'kiss him right back…'
    With love,

  10. kali says:

    No judging dear Ali (I've been there, so many of us have).
    Certainly a time for renewal. Grasp it with both hands. It's hard at times, and lonely too…but my gosh, how exciting! It's the beginning of a brand new year and the world is truly your oyster.
    Listen to YOUR rhythm…
    with love, K xo

  11. Dawn says:

    Hi Alison, I so enjoy reading your blog everyday and decided today is the day I needed to post. You have such a wonderful personality, as is conveyed in your blog each and every day. As women we need to value ourselves as the terrific women we are and realize our self worth. As you do this, entering into a new relationship you will have a totally new attitude. I wish you much happiness in this new year and that you will find a relationship in which you are treasured and appreciated.
    Dawn E.

  12. Ashley says:

    Preach on girlie! You rock! And, who wouldn't feel that way, a manican in a store window perhaps? Please! You a wonderful!

  13. Savannah says:

    Well, Mark can criticize, but he's only trying to make what he sees undesirable when he truly knows he was dumb enough to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. Aesop was so smart. And about the white night.. dunno, don't ever bet he will show up, and don't ever close your heart to the possibility, is what I think.. Meanwhile, there's that odd balance.. One who kills her own snakes isn't apt to find someone lovely in there stabbing at them, is she? On the other hand, who can live with snakes if it's possible to learn to kill them oneself? And all around you there are women with and without fat bums with men who are great, mediocre, even downright dolts… Dunno… I appreciate your thoughts. You have captured us all in your life, and we are all so very "in your corner." So, Mark best not criticize to any of us! Grrrrrrr.

  14. Savannah says:

    duh, I meant Knight, not night… white Knight.. hahaaha

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