My Scrumptious Little Finn.

Well Matey, who’d have thought we’d have come this far? I’ve dragged you up by your curly locks and sent you out (to Nana’s horror) in socks that don’t match, and you have learned to live with the fact that I am plainly a more eccentric case than your average Mommy at the school gates. We are doing stupidly well, though recently, little boy, it has come to my attention that you are labouring under various ridiculous notions, which should they be upheld may ultimately mark you out as the village idiot. So I am writing this to save your reputation (and my sanity) in the vain hope that while I never ever want to curtail such delicious imagination, I will prevent you making the kind of social blunders that may find you nicknamed Billy No Mates…

1. I don’t care what you say: you are not Chinese. You weren’t born in China and I have never carried you around the shops on my head. Maybe in a past life, Bab, but not this one…

2. Your theories on breast feeding are radical, but wrong;  when the doctor pulls the babies out of the mummies tummys he does not, at the same time  insert a zip into the Mummies chest  and put two  bottles  of milk into her "boobies". Trust me that  is not what happens and you do not have to present your theory to every breastfeeding Mum you come across. Charming though it may be…

3. I don’t think there is a person left on the planet who does not now know that The Grinch hates Christmas because in your own words "he had a bad experience". Enough already. Perhaps we could watch another film occasionally?

4. Yes your curly locks are precious but that does not mean they can’t be washed. Dreadlocks are so unbecoming on a three year old.  Please cut out the song  and dance routine at bathtime before  your poor Mummy puts her head down the toilet and comes to a sorry end.

5.  Medical evidence, including various scans, and the opinions of various clever consultants proved that there was just one little boy in my tummy while I was pregnant and that Finley, was you. The other little boy you tell me was hugging you (and crying a lot because he was so sad…) in the bubble in my bump is hopefully not still floating about, as you suggest, in there today. Please God.

6. Some people are a little more rotund than others.  But darling, it is very, very rude to say so, even if as you so solomnly declare,  "It is true  Mum, he is fat,  I  am doing you  a  promise. "

7. I , Sweetie, am doing you a promise too: you will not die "of the headache" if you are forced to endure cauliflower cheese. Trust me, I am a Mommy…   

8. I love you one hundred years and six too. But the man in the post office is the postmaster not Batman ok?