Perhaps I am not like you. Perhaps when all is said and done I do a very bad job of holding things together. Of remaining authentic when authenticity is the only thing I’ve got.
You will read this and not know what I’m talking about. I hardly know what I’m talking about. Some stories, you see, are not mine to tell. And so this is what it is, a never ending stream of conscience I cannot help but commit to my Chronicles. It is what it is. No more.
This house, I think tells my story best. It is in fact the most intuitive barometer of my mood.
Today there was a crushed biscuit on the staircase. A box of lego, scattered where he had left it. A wine glass kissed by the salve I am constantly rubbing into my lips, abandoned on the table. And more than that, a cobweb wrapped right around the house. Dancing between the rose bushes and weaving a lacy curtain between me and the rest of the world.
If my legs are shaved, I will have forgotten where the hoover lives. If my writing is going well, I forget to wash my hair and find cucumbers dying an undignified death in the debris of last weeks shopping. Lately I forget to eat. Go through the motions without feeling any of it. Wrapped up in my own little world. Laughing like a loon at this (Don’t hassle the Hoff!! Is he deranged??), and knowing inside that only this makes sense.
It isn’t Mark. I know you think it is. But it isn’t. That last piece about him was a goodbye. A "have a nice life". It isn’t him. The thought of having him and his eternal disappointment hanging around the place again makes me shudder…
It’s me. There is a stranger amongst us and she’s wearing my clothes and crying herself to sleep. Falling out with people she adores and aching for New York. Or New England. Or even (God forbid) New Brighton. Anywhere but here.
Sometimes I forget what I’m for. Forget what this blog is supposed to be about. Drift down roads that reveal too much and find myself eager to share parts of me that confuse everybody else. What once was about lavender and lemons has become so much more lately. More obtuse I know, but darlings, bear with me because I suspect that this too will pass and before you know it I will be back to making sense and telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing, friends, but the truth about what it is that makes a house a home that will heal you. Celebrate you. And wrap you in pretty cobwebs just when you need them most.
Tonight it is just me. A box of flaked truffles at my side, fuzzy thoughts in my head and no light other than a scattering of tealights on my bedside table. Later I will watch a film I don’t understand for the third time in a month. Wander around Paris with Celine and Jesse and try to make sense of it all. Of transcience and opportunity. Patience and the art of delayed gratification.
Tomorrow my friend will give birth to her second baby. And next week I will go and stay in Oxford. With Helen. Three storeys of vanilla scented hallways , sinks perfumed by hyacinths and an all white guest-room that reminds me why my life is too loud. Why I can’t think straight for longer than it takes to burn a piece of glutton free toast.
Anywhere but here. Tonight. Alone.
Beam me up Scottie. Soon as you can.
First of all, dearie, life is not always all about lemons and lavendar. I think we've all become friends here and we understand that your life has taken a turn and that finding a new normal is taking all your energy right now. Being authentic is about being honest with yourself and the people around you, which sounds like exactly what you're doing. So don't you worry your pretty little head. And that's all I've got to say about that.
Oxford sounds like the perfect medicine you need now. A little vacation away from it all will definitely help you do some soul searching and clear your head from all of this confusion….enjoy the peacefulness of white…It's a wonderful canvas for painting a brand new world.
Annabelle xo
You are a precious, precious soul who has wonderful gifts . . . redirection, refocus, renewal, and rebirth of the soul and spirit is a wonderful thing on the other side and I believe continually happens in those of us who are willing, to whatever degree, to allow God to work in us, to give up control and just surrender to who you are to be. Blessings!
I think a little break sounds like just what you need right now. I don't think you should worry too much about what other people are thinking of you. You've been through a really tough summer and you've got to take care of yourself. If that takes a little time for you then that's what you need. Have a really lovely time in Oxford. The white room sounds beautiful. Enjoy it.
You are coping with grief ;grieving – it is similar to a breavment – dont try to bounce back all the time, you have to live through it with all its attendant anxiety and depression – dont fight it – there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are looking at a year minimum maybe more. Who said love and work bind people to sanity. Maybe work would be good after a while, maybe your salvation ?
((((hugs)))))
You have friends from all over the world who read your blog no matter what, and it has more to do with your soul than with lavender and lemons. All of us went through hardship. We understand you need to write about your ups and downs to cope with grief and change. No need to apologize. Hang in there, give it time, it's all going to be allright. Have fun in Oxford.
Oh, how if feels comforting to read your blog, your life in its most intimate of emotions, you are an inspiring woman and even in your times of strife you have that gift of putting it into words that strikes home to so many of us, not to mention the dancing way the words move. Thank you for your pureness and genuiness. It is refreshing to read and to know I am not the only one…. Have a wonderful time in the " white room" Do I hear Cream playing in the backround??? renew your soul this wknd!!!
Enjoy Oxford! I love your cat gazing out onto the world picture. It is exactly how I feel so often; probably most of us do.
You give us all so much, I hope you can find some refreshment and joy this weekend. Blessings from abroad… "Oh! to be in England now that (Autumns) here." Gill.
I wish I could whisk you over the pond to here in Connecticut, New England, it's Fall in full glory at the moment (but a grey day today) – well if you do ever make it, you have a friend here.
New York for the day!
Big hugs,
Paula
I have lived with a Mother who has depression and you have described it perfectly….see your doctor…there is help for those who suffer!
I'm not talking about being sad…it's not the same….when you have feelings of despair that is the time to seek help…..do it soon…you will be amazed at the difference! Blessings to you
enjoy your stay in oxford with helen, vanilla scented hallways sounds like heaven, enjoy the calmness, and all the pampering you can get, oh and lots of retail therapy ……. of course !!!!!!!!!!!
Sister…….have a wicked blast at your friends!! And I think all of the below comments are so valid…so listen up!! *smile* Peace, chocolate, & toes in autumn leaves for you!! And of course, a smooch from your baba and a wee bit of wine!
Goddess Bless!
Darling life isn't all Lavender and lemons although we would all love it to be. You are going through some big changes and it is only natural that what was once familiar and comforting no longer has the same appeal. It will come, in time, be patient with yourself. x
I remember being there, where you are, once, a long time ago, dragged down initially by love and thereafter almost everything haunted and depressed and scared me.
Like you, I longed to run away,…..so I did. I moved interstate from city to country.
From hot to cold, where my feelings began to take new meaning.
Not too far from now, you will soon be able to look back at what was, no longer with a tear in your eye, but with joy
Dearest Alison,I know what you've been through because of such a loser and jerk that some men are..My ex run off with someone of wich he once said that she wasn't his type at all but two weeks after I left himhe was with her! After he had 'enough' of her "a mistake, I love only you…never want to do with her anymore, not even friendship "I forgave him, but thank God I did get my sanity back after one week and saw who he really was: a selfish "+1#…." guess what he did? Yes your'e right: straightback to her! Well, she knew how he had talked to me about her and she took him back…says everything about her aswell ey? Anyway, they belong together and I"M SOOOOO GLAD AND HAPPY THAT I'M NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE AND DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE!!!!!!! I hope that these words will give you wisdom, insight so that they will heal you and will give you peace!
You're not alone dear! Take care…xxCindy