A Life in the Month of a Vintage Divorcee Mother…

Hel2_1 *Guest Writer: Helen May (My Sister!)

I am having a very rare quiet moment. And my goodness it is bliss…What a month! I’ve been to Paris, London, Manchester, Dublin, Theme parks, beaches, weddings, parent’s evenings. I have had a poem published, attended several conferences, received my Decree Nisi. I’ve travelled by train, plane and automobile. Now at the end of it, I sit here exhausted, and having learned some very valuable lessons. And it would be rude of me not to share them with you…· There really are only 24 hours in a day. And squeezing more in to a day serves only to shorten, not lengthen it. Oh yes. And forgoing sleep to make more time really is counter-productive…· When you are a little run down, don’t walk around Paris, without sitting down all day, in blazing sunshine. You WILL get heat stroke (oh, a long story…).· Guinness really does taste different in Dublin. However, this does NOT mean that you should make it your staple diet when you are in Ireland. You will leave the country feeling not all together wonderful.· The only theme in theme parks is “Rage”.· Lavender bushes grow VERY quickly at this time of year. If you go off travelling and neglect your garden for several weeks, you may have trouble getting to your front door when you get home…· Whoever said getting a divorce is too easy these days, has clearly never been through a divorce. It is along, painful, labour-intensive nightmare. And not for the feint-hearted.· People who work in airports would really benefit from Customer Service training. Or at least some basic social skills…· Getting angry and hurling expletives at said airport staff will not get you anywhere. But it is very therapeutic…· Wisteria is beautiful. However failing to secure it to the wall sufficiently will cause it to grow horizontally instead of vertically. And that is SO not a good look for your garden.· A very flared short skirt is not the ideal clothing to wear on a very windy runway while boarding a plane (OH THE SHAME!)· When every day begins with a wake-up call from an energetic 3 year old at 5am, and ends at midnight after a stressful day at work, followed by your Domestic Goddess bit, by Friday you will feel 10 years older than you did at the beginning of the week. And at that point a gin and tonic will never have tasted so good…· If you put your handbag through the security checks in the airport with eyelash curlers in your bag and then try and make a joke when the security staff question the item by saying “What do you think I’m going to do? Tell the pilot to land the plane at a destination of my choice or I’ll curl him to death?” you will find that the staff are NOT amused.· When leaving the office before going off on business trips, be careful when filling in the details on your “Out of Office” message. Rushing it and mistakenly putting down your friend’s mobile number instead of your own is a bad mistake indeed. Your friend will not be able to clinch the £10,000 deal when they receive a call from your client while they are sunning themselves in Florida…· When the ironing pile gets too big, put it in the spare room and cover it with a duvet. Magic! It disappears!And with that I am going to go to bed and try and make some headway with my sleep deficit…Goodnight.