Accident Prone.

By alison September 9, 2006 16 Comments 3 Min Read

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Dear me, do pardon the French, but it has been a helluva week.
This morning I did myself a damage with my pegbag. Clearly you see, I was not made to be a limbo dancer. I kind of shimmied under the washing line, but failed to navigate the  pegbag and smacked myself right in the face with it, and trust me you haven’t known pain  till you have pegged yourself good and proper.

Pain, however, is right up there with embarrasment. Yesterday I was attacked my a really rather persistent pregnant goat. Oh yes, a pregnant goat.
I was being a good Mummy, doing the childrens farm thing and pretending that no Finley, of course, Mummy isn’t scared of goats, llama’s or damn domestic rhinocerous’s.  What my scrumptious little  boy is there to scared of? Look they’ll eat this yukky cereal stuff right out of my carefully manicured, false fingernailed hands. And look babba, here’s a baby goat, and oh look- here is his hormonally challenged pregnant Mommy. And oh my goodness, who’d have thought fat goats could jump that high! No sweetie, Mummy doesn’t mind having hoof prints on the oh so inapropriate beaded top she stole from  Nana. Hell’s bell’s down you naughty goat! No don’t bite me!! Finley, Mummy is fine, no really I’m fine. Oh my Lord, I’m  nearly a celebrity, somebody, goddamn  get me out of here!!

Now here’s the thing: had either of my accompanying lovely friends Kath or Diane found themselves in such a predicament, I would have waded in and at the very least  prevented  their little person from screaming in absolute terror  and pulling Mummy’s elasticated pants  halfway down her legs.  I would have took on  a manic elephant to prevent such a crisis. Really I would. But oh no. Oh no. You see Housekeepers, so apparently hilarious was this spectacle that I had drawn an audience. An audience entirely disinclined to put a stop to the mayhem when it was clear that at any moment  I  could be wrestled to the floor, semi naked and mauled halfway to heaven by a mad goat.   I should have been on the stage.

As should Finley. Currently sporting the worst black eye you have ever seen on a minor after an argument with a table. Which unfortunately hasn’t put a stop to his mischief in any shape or form. Last week I watched him conduct a really rather fascinating experiment involving dropping Mummy’s  precious mobile phone into a glass of water (Don’t worry Mummy, I’m only drowndeding it…). Then he went on to  knock  a half full bottle of red wine  all over  my cream  carpet, scribble  on the wall  in a variety of pastel  coloured  chalk,  and in a  moment that could not have  been anymore mortifying, ask a very  old, absolutely appalled, grey haired lady whether her name was Mr BumBum or Mrs Willy.  

So is it any wonder that Saturday night find’s me curled up on the sofa watching Gigi  on TCM with  a gin and lemonade and a bar of amaretti dark chocolate (get thee to a Waitrose for heaven in a silver wrapper!)- I need a week off to recover from the ongoing debacle that is my life. 

Anyone want to take Finn of my hands? I am selling him to the highest bidder.
Mommy needs retail therapy.

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

16 Comments

  1. June says:

    I'm so sorry about your odd…uh…challenging…week, Alison but I have to say that I'm about to have an accident of the bathroom kind as I'm laughing so hard. I think you need a new category on your blog site: Brocante Antics! So very, very funny!

  2. Cookie says:

    I see you are back to your normal self again with your escapades. Well Done Alison, keep up the good work. No time to be depressed with all that going on !! Hugss

  3. Gena King says:

    Oh what are you like! and I bet everyone said "Aw,you will laugh about days like these when he is older" Yes much older.Incidentally Finley is the absolute double of you(from what I have seen of pics)Must have some of that choc but we dont have a waitrose, wonder if you can order online? perhaps in bulk, yikes am getting carried away!

  4. Gena King says:

    Oh what are you like! and I bet everyone said "Aw,you will laugh about days like these when he is older" Yes much older.Incidentally Finley is the absolute double of you(from what I have seen of pics)Must have some of that choc but we dont have a waitrose, wonder if you can order online? perhaps in bulk, yikes am getting carried away!

  5. Amanda says:

    Oh you do have fun don't you!
    This reminds me so much of an "experience" with a pig at Windmill Animal Farm. You wouldn't happen to have been there too would you?

  6. Meredith says:

    Alison,
    My Hannah blackened her eye this week too, so we have too "bruisers" on our hands. Not to worry! I am glad to hear of your week only to know that I am not the only one humiliated regularly. Cheers to Mrs. Willy!

  7. Meredith says:

    Alison,
    My Hannah blackened her eye this week too, so we have too "bruisers" on our hands. Not to worry! I am glad to hear of your week only to know that I am not the only one humiliated regularly. Cheers to Mrs. Willy!

  8. I agree a new category of Antics might have helped with the warning. I know it is all too easy to laugh when it is not you though.
    Hope things calm down a bit this next week.

  9. I agree a new category of Antics might have helped with the warning. I know it is all too easy to laugh when it is not you though.
    Hope things calm down a bit this next week.

  10. Oh my god. I am laughing my ass off
    (as if ass fat could be that easy to get rid of)
    I had to stop so many times here in reading thru this horrible day to shake my head and laugh and wipe my eyes.
    Good GAWD Woman ! you are only have a drink and chocolate…I would expect you to be sitting in a corner quite incoherent and blubbering or in the fetal position and non-communicado !
    I was laughing but not at your expense….I don't think ! I mean, I did get such a laugh the way you described things because it made you so human. So much like me.
    And yes, thank you to your very wonderful friends that could do nothing more than support you with hysterical laughter…that's okay girls ! you just wait !
    I went over the edge with the elastic waisted pants being pulled down and felt myself completely mortified as if it was me in your body and not you. YOU POOR DEAR WOMAN !!!
    Mummy, Hang in there….it's a million years away until he turns eighteen.
    Much Love, S.

  11. Oh my god. I am laughing my ass off
    (as if ass fat could be that easy to get rid of)
    I had to stop so many times here in reading thru this horrible day to shake my head and laugh and wipe my eyes.
    Good GAWD Woman ! you are only have a drink and chocolate…I would expect you to be sitting in a corner quite incoherent and blubbering or in the fetal position and non-communicado !
    I was laughing but not at your expense….I don't think ! I mean, I did get such a laugh the way you described things because it made you so human. So much like me.
    And yes, thank you to your very wonderful friends that could do nothing more than support you with hysterical laughter…that's okay girls ! you just wait !
    I went over the edge with the elastic waisted pants being pulled down and felt myself completely mortified as if it was me in your body and not you. YOU POOR DEAR WOMAN !!!
    Mummy, Hang in there….it's a million years away until he turns eighteen.
    Much Love, S.

  12. laney says:

    ~~~ just try to picture getting a squirrel out of the house with a gasoline leaf blower~~~ i have heard that some people do lead ordinary lives~~~ i am just not one of them….laney

  13. Sarah says:

    Bless you queen, if it makes you feel any better, I managed to lose a shoe in the middle of the street last week in Verona when nearly getting run over by one of those scooter thingies as the most glamorous policewoman and tour guide looked at me like I'd just stepped off the moon… do you know that the tour guides (especially the female ones) wear 4 inch heels whilst taking tourists round the COBBLED streets…(Oh I nearly died) I had to walk back across the road to retrieve the (fetching) black (seen better days) sensible walking sandal who's velcro strap decided to have a hissy fit to join my siblings who said when they heard the beeping of the horn, they knew I must have had something to do with it…. cheek bless – but keep away from goats – they are evil – they may look like butter wouldn't melt – but ooohhhh nooooo… evil….

  14. Sarah says:

    Bless you queen, if it makes you feel any better, I managed to lose a shoe in the middle of the street last week in Verona when nearly getting run over by one of those scooter thingies as the most glamorous policewoman and tour guide looked at me like I'd just stepped off the moon… do you know that the tour guides (especially the female ones) wear 4 inch heels whilst taking tourists round the COBBLED streets…(Oh I nearly died) I had to walk back across the road to retrieve the (fetching) black (seen better days) sensible walking sandal who's velcro strap decided to have a hissy fit to join my siblings who said when they heard the beeping of the horn, they knew I must have had something to do with it…. cheek bless – but keep away from goats – they are evil – they may look like butter wouldn't melt – but ooohhhh nooooo… evil….

  15. Kristy says:

    Oh Alison my face is hurting smiling so much.
    I can't believe no one has bid on Finn I'll take him how much do you want?Him and Josie would make a great pair.Josie is trying to be more discreet these days and so the other day said 'That's a nice big,old lady without much hair isn't mummy?' then whispered 'It that okay mummy I said she was nice'!

  16. Kristy says:

    Oh Alison my face is hurting smiling so much.
    I can't believe no one has bid on Finn I'll take him how much do you want?Him and Josie would make a great pair.Josie is trying to be more discreet these days and so the other day said 'That's a nice big,old lady without much hair isn't mummy?' then whispered 'It that okay mummy I said she was nice'!

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