At My Bedside.

By alison October 5, 2006 12 Comments 2 Min Read

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One of the things I was dreading about  Autumn drawing in was suddenly finding myself trapped behind  drawn curtains night after night…

I’ve always loved Winter evenings: snuggly socks and hot chocolate, blankets tossed over the back of my armchair and stacks of library books. But until now there was someone on whom to rest my cashmere covered toes. Someone to laugh at me looking like a granny in my tatty old pink cardi, someone who would rather have a beer than a cocoa but cared enough to indulge me and my seasonal silliness regardless…

Now it’s just me. Sustaining softly spoken loneliness with rubbish Tv and wrinkly skin from too long in steaming hot baths. Pretending I’m enjoying all this "me-time"  whilst quietly screaming inside because I can’t even nip round to the shop to buy a pint of milk because my three year old angelic little monster is snoring in his little french daybed…

I’m going slightly nuts.

So I go to bed early. I turn all the lights off and dash scared (at 8.30 at night!) up the stairs, carrying my keys and phone in case the bogeyman gets me in the  dead of night. I drink my allotted glass of red wine and eat one perfect square of  Green and Blacks (how disciplined I have become!!), read trashy novels and flick through the channels on the little Tv I have set up next to the bed. I read tomorrows entry in Simple Abundance, light the candles on my bedside, check on my babba, worry a little bit, have the occasional dally around the internet and dream of what was, what is, what could have been and what, oh just what, may be around  the corner.

I dwell too much on things I have said. Promises made. Things not done. I ache for a hug. For someone to inspect the spot behind my ear and reassure me it ain’t cancerous. To not be the one to have to get up, naked and goose pimpled with cold   to run into Finn’s room when he falls out of bed. To have somebody to wonder  with, you know the kind of late night wonders that cross your mind just before you fall asleep? Somebody to wake up when it sounds like there are thirty rats running around the loft…

I don’t have to be so scared. I’m a big girl. A mommy. And for all intents and purposes, a grown up. There on my bedside table stands everything I need to make me feel safe: my keys, my phones,  the glass  of water I never drink, the book I’m reading, a lamp to flick on if I can’t sleep, lavender to soothe me and the teeny tiny trinkets that remind me  who I am. 

Everything I need.  And yet all at once I’m scared and calm, happy and sad.

But then tell me who isn’t? Whatever their circumstances. This is life or something like it isn’t it?

Sleep tight. Winter isn’t far away.x

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

12 Comments

  1. Kelly says:

    Yes Friend, this is life.
    Take a deep breath, know that you are a sacred daughter of the Goddess…and when you blow out those candles next to your bedside, blow with it all of your fear.
    Find giggles & more chocolate & a fabulous bed-mate!!

  2. Danielle says:

    Hi Alison. I had to smile when I read this post, because when my hubby is on night shifts that's exactly what I'm like. Though I can only imagine what it must be like permanently. I feel for you. But here's something for you to contemplate, and you being the enlightened soul you are will probably have thought about this already… the Autumn drawing in, signalling the onset of Winter, is nature steadily marching on. She stops for no one, always moving forward, bringing new growth and new possibilities. After a particularly tough summer (and I have had one of my own but for different reasons) the start of this season is really refreshing. The hard times, for now, are well and truly behind us. Let's get excited about new beginnings!

  3. Danielle says:

    Hi Alison. I had to smile when I read this post, because when my hubby is on night shifts that's exactly what I'm like. Though I can only imagine what it must be like permanently. I feel for you. But here's something for you to contemplate, and you being the enlightened soul you are will probably have thought about this already… the Autumn drawing in, signalling the onset of Winter, is nature steadily marching on. She stops for no one, always moving forward, bringing new growth and new possibilities. After a particularly tough summer (and I have had one of my own but for different reasons) the start of this season is really refreshing. The hard times, for now, are well and truly behind us. Let's get excited about new beginnings!

  4. Suzie says:

    I was the same when I was on my own – but after about 6 months or so, it eased a bit, and I started to enjoy the "me-time".
    And now that I have the happy relationship – the same nighttime feelings are there LOL
    We are women, and a more contrary creature you will never find!
    I guess we just have to accept, and be. Just be.
    xx

  5. meredith says:

    Alison I wish you so much happiness. Just know that when you are feeling uneasy and anxious, others are thinking about you and pulling for you and hoping for the very best for you.
    Maybe by throwing yourself into the spirit of the season and the comforting rhythms of everyday routines, you will feel better. Sometimes the most mundane steps in living can make you feel more secure. And you always put so much effort into making the simple little things special. I'm sure before long the nighttime will not make you feel so uneasy.
    Take care.

  6. meredith says:

    Alison I wish you so much happiness. Just know that when you are feeling uneasy and anxious, others are thinking about you and pulling for you and hoping for the very best for you.
    Maybe by throwing yourself into the spirit of the season and the comforting rhythms of everyday routines, you will feel better. Sometimes the most mundane steps in living can make you feel more secure. And you always put so much effort into making the simple little things special. I'm sure before long the nighttime will not make you feel so uneasy.
    Take care.

  7. Nancy says:

    Oh, Dear Heart! I hear you!
    I am now living on my own once again…even though temporary, it is hard.
    My Feller has moved to North Carolina for a new ER job and I am manning the home front here in Kentucky. It is hard and lonely but I stay so busy, I rarely have time to dwell to it. I am unlike you in that my child is away at college but that also makes it difficult. When I was "alone" before, I had her around me. Now…it is just me and the cat. He is a rather self absorbed creature, however.
    My stress is in maintaining this huge two level house by myself. (I would love a cozy little cottage!) So much can go wrong at any given moment as learned recently with our flood. I wear myself out checking on things but maybe with time, I will get a little less paranoid, but not less watchful.
    Please know we are here. Holler at me any time, day or night, if you want or need a chat.
    {{HUGS}}

  8. Nancy says:

    Oh, Dear Heart! I hear you!
    I am now living on my own once again…even though temporary, it is hard.
    My Feller has moved to North Carolina for a new ER job and I am manning the home front here in Kentucky. It is hard and lonely but I stay so busy, I rarely have time to dwell to it. I am unlike you in that my child is away at college but that also makes it difficult. When I was "alone" before, I had her around me. Now…it is just me and the cat. He is a rather self absorbed creature, however.
    My stress is in maintaining this huge two level house by myself. (I would love a cozy little cottage!) So much can go wrong at any given moment as learned recently with our flood. I wear myself out checking on things but maybe with time, I will get a little less paranoid, but not less watchful.
    Please know we are here. Holler at me any time, day or night, if you want or need a chat.
    {{HUGS}}

  9. Darlene says:

    You poor thing, I can say that because I've been where you are. I'm not going to say it will pass,( it will) nor am I going to say get tough,( you will). What i am going to say is get a little busy, just a little. Make some thing, some thing,creative, big earings,a flower arrangment, a vintage christmas tree, small and detailed. Mostly, what I'm saying is keep your hands moving and the rest of you will follow, even your thoughts.Make your spaces different. Wisedom will come, just keep the air moving around you. darlene

  10. Gena King says:

    You have come such a long way, and you are doing well, I cant wait for something utterly amazing to happen for you…and it will.Yes Winter will come, but spring always follows.xx

  11. Gena King says:

    You have come such a long way, and you are doing well, I cant wait for something utterly amazing to happen for you…and it will.Yes Winter will come, but spring always follows.xx

  12. Fiona says:

    Oh Alison, reading this almost had me in tears because I know exactly what you're going through(except I don't have a lovely little babba to check on, it really is just me) and can totally understand your feelings of not really wanting the nights to be dark and to be all alone. I split with my boyfriend two and a half months ago and sometimes I tell myself that I love having the space and other times I just cry and cry. To make matters worse, we're still best of friends, still love each other madly,and lately have been making those dark lonely nights go away by spending them together occasionally, yet we want very different things from life right now (I want a babba before I get too old and he's not ready)so I know I will have to get used to the dark nights on my own. All summer I have been reading about what you've gone through and although it has made me cry a lot because I could so relate to the pain you were feeling, it has also given me great strength. Just knowing that there is one other person out there going through some of the same feelings and coping, is so helpful. You have made me feel like there is hope of a happier future even at my worst moments. I know that we will both have someone to share those dark nights with again soon. x

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