The Chuck It Out the Door Method

On nights like this when I am feeling wiped out after a truly scrumdiddlydumptious weekend celebrating Clarry’s first birthday, my heart and achy old body yearn for the gorgeous peace of my bedroom.

Sadly peace is in short supply up there at the moment. Scandalously I have not yet emptied my weekend bag. There is a collection of vests in snazzy colors hanging from my darling little Grandmother clock, a pile of cold remedies on my bedside table (and, oh the shame, maybe even a germ ridden snotty tissue or two as well), books everywhere and, inexplicably, a salt cellar on the paper covered desk.

When even your eternally messy ten year old comments on your slovenliness you know it is time to take action…

And so let Operation Chuck It Out the Door begin – the fastest, most effective route to restoring peace and harmony in the bedroom, that I, Lady Alison of the Bin Bag, know and a method I employ whenever needs must and sanctuary is required.

I begin by taking an enormous basket: – a basket so big I am pretty sure I could sit in it, though I don’t because I am Ali May, not Ali Baba, and one would so hate to have to attend Casualty with a basket stuck to one’s bottom, but heavens I digress: yes, I start with a big old basket and I fill it with absolutely everything that isn’t where it should be. I keep going, spinning around, aiming this and that at the basket until the room looks undressed and then I cart the basket out of the door and on to the landing, and lash anything too big to go in the really big basket out there too. Then I roll up my sleeves, arm myself with a hand-held vacuum, the floor steamer and a duster and then polish and dust in a frenzy-like fashion surely excellent for the wedge of fat I seem to be storing on each of my waddly hips.

When I am thoroughly breathless, I head on to the landing and inspect the really big basket for objects that can now be returned to their rightful homes, then make the bed the Brocante Way, scent the air and my pillows, arrange books at my bedside, open the window, light candles and leave the room to fetch supplies for an evening spent in cosy, calm .

And yes: I do leave whatever nonsense I can’t find homes for in the basket until morning arrives (and with it my housekeeping mojo!) and then I close the door on the whole wide world, pretend the basket doesn’t exist and convince myself that life is always this serene…

Please do as I say and not as I do won’t you? The Chuck It Out the Door Method is only for those who want to have their bliss and eat it too…