You need to be very, very happy that you are not going to be the not very glad recipient of a gift from me this year. No really. even I feel a bit sorry for anyone getting a little something in their stocking from yours truly because some things have no decent explanation and they just… happen and this year five boxes of fresh stuffing *happened* to the gifts I had safely stashed away in the tiny wardrobe in my bedroom and honestly, let’s just accept the fact that my name is Alison, and I am disgusting.
It happened like this. In our house stuffing is a BIG DEAL. The boys love it and it has become something of a Christmas tradition for them to eat as much as they can before, during and after Christmas. They want it with EVERYTHING and the stuffing they like best is shop-bought and fresh. So usually a few weeks before Christmas I buy a silly amount of it, freeze it and then according to their whim serve it with EVERYTHING come the holiday.
But this year the shops have been… weird? Things that would ordinarily have been on the shelves weeks ago just weren’t there, and there was simply no gluten free stuffing to be had, though I stalked the supermarkets and harassed the shop-workers and for far too long, in the midst of the most dramatic of first world troubles I wrung my hands and pulled out my hair in child-disappointing despair. And then at the end of a long ‘orrible day Christmas shopping (never as romantic as I hope it will be!) I came across a few shelves of this festive sagey treasure and quickly bought five packets and in an effort to be eco-friendly refused a carrier bag and shoved all my stuffing into my enormous bag of miscellaneous gifts and made my way home.
I was so tired. So I headed straight to the bath and then downstairs for a restorative cup of tea and in the meantime, Ste, as he has been trained to do, hid my gifts away and I smiled at the Christmas tree and told tales of torrid hunts for the right boots for Finn (who will only wear one style) and Stee returned the conversational favour by insisting that he cannot possibly buy Stevie the aftershave he wants until he has smelled it and I argued that was nonsensical as how it smelled to him has nothing to do with anything, and then we had some cheese and crackers and all was well with the world.
And life went on. And more and more gifts were shoved in the teeny wardrobe and we marched towards Christmas on a wave of now really, has Chrisitmas always been this hard and isn’t it lovelyanyway and would you like a pre-emptive glass of my new mulled wine recipe? And then we started to wrap as we watched various box sets and the pile of presents in the wardrobe got smaller and that under the tree bigger and I’m not too proud to say I was feeling a little smug.
And then it happened. Ste brought down the last bag of gifts and as he walked in I baulked as if I’d been forced to eat elephants eyes on I’m a Celebrity, and Ste laughed and then he stopped laughing and peered into the bag and baulked himself and pulled out various items for our beautiful children, scrumptiously dressed like so much salad in very, very mouldy sage and onion juice.
Oh yes. I am Alison and I am disgusting.
Now a whole bag of teeny little somethings destined for those we love is utterly ruined. RUINED I tell you. And much as those boys love stuffing, I’m pretty certain they don’t want to wear it. Or read it. Or play it.
The worst part of all of this? Now that this veritable Pandora’s Box of festive trimmings has been opened. my bedroom STINKS of Christmas. Not, oh bliss, the scent of oranges slowly dried in the oven or mince pies gently warmed and served to others with brandy cream (because let it be known that though I will force feed them to anyone who darkens my door in December I consider them an insult to the very notion of FOOD). but the stench of Christmas Dinner leftovers when we can barely fathom ever eating again, combined with mouldy things to ugly to think about and then used to polish my bedside tables and spritz my velvet pillowcases.
Oh yes. I sleep in the innards of a turkey. And I’m gifting things I can’t afford to replace, wiped down and liberally sprinkled with its giblets.
My name is Alison and I am disgusting. And boys? I am truly sorry. But this is what happens when you insist on eating stuffing with your cornflakes.
Create your own Brocante Life Book, plan Christmas, set up routines and rituals or live life the BrocanteHome way with my guided workbooks and planners.
Well I don’t know about you but I am heartily sick of the Christmas SMUG already, and so tonight m’dears I am handing Brocantehome over to one Mrs.Pelham, who will remind you just why it doesn’t do to be too organised… SCENE.—The…
Oh December, you really have been the most obstructive of Mistresses! Between the engine going kaput in the car, the miserable black fingers of rising damp crawling through the living room walls, the drama of insisting a reluctant sixteen year old revise…
Well now, it has arrived in good time this year, my annual festive meltdown. For despite being Mrs.Christmas of all the lovely twinkly ideas, each and every twelve months, come the middle of December, I throw a tantrum of spectacular proportions, and…
4 Comments
Oh no. Oh no. That sounds awful. And I can only imagine having to try to clean everything. I admit I laughed, but mainly because I can totally see myself doing something similar. I’ve had such brain fog, for who knows what reason, and am constantly aware that there is something I have forgotten at every moment. I did put the milk in the cabinet and the sugar in the fridge after making my morning tea, but thankfully my young son was fixing his right after me and caught it.
Oh, dear! I foresee this becoming a cherished part of your family’s lore in years to come but right now? Not so cherished, I’m sure. I do need to ask, though. Is it really possible to buy already made stuffing in England? I’ve never seen such a thing here in the States. I love the made-from-scratch sort but my adult son has an unreasonable love of the boxed Stove Top Stuffing. Fortunately that sort doesn’t spoil. 😉
And this will be one of those treasured memories you laugh about later. I haven’t had any food related catastrophies this year, but I did try to pay for my Christmas purchases with my library card the other day. When the teen aged clerk questioned me, I just looked at him and said “Knowledge is power.” I’m sure he thought I was crazy and maybe I am. I just want a normal holiday. It seems like so long since I have had one. Merry, Merry to all!
This is stuffing that you mix with your hands in a dishpan. I think it must be Irish, because my Mum always made it and because it’s made with potatoes.
Mix cold mashed potatoes with fresh white bread that has been torn into small pieces. Stir one or two eggs and add to make everything bind. Add some melted butter. Finely chop and apple, an onion, a stalk of celery. Sprinkle on some salt, pepper, sage, savoury, and a dash of garlic powder. Squash everything with your hands until very well combined. That is it!
There are no amounts listed because it depends on the size of the turkey and who is around sneaking big chunks of raw stuffing despite egg warnings. Our family members have always made a lot of extra stuffing and cooked it in a covered dish in the oven. There is no such thing as too much dressing where they are concerned. It makes lovely sandwiches layered with a wee bit of turkey and cranberry jelly.
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":300,"top_media_type":"featured_image","featured_image_url":"http:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/tipjar-2.png","featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"BrocanteHome","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"BrocanteHome","form_subtitle":"Help Me to Keep BrocanteHome Online","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much: helping me keep Brocantehome online really means the world to me.","payment_confirmation_title":"BrocanteHome","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
Oh no. Oh no. That sounds awful. And I can only imagine having to try to clean everything. I admit I laughed, but mainly because I can totally see myself doing something similar. I’ve had such brain fog, for who knows what reason, and am constantly aware that there is something I have forgotten at every moment. I did put the milk in the cabinet and the sugar in the fridge after making my morning tea, but thankfully my young son was fixing his right after me and caught it.
Oh, dear! I foresee this becoming a cherished part of your family’s lore in years to come but right now? Not so cherished, I’m sure. I do need to ask, though. Is it really possible to buy already made stuffing in England? I’ve never seen such a thing here in the States. I love the made-from-scratch sort but my adult son has an unreasonable love of the boxed Stove Top Stuffing. Fortunately that sort doesn’t spoil. 😉
And this will be one of those treasured memories you laugh about later. I haven’t had any food related catastrophies this year, but I did try to pay for my Christmas purchases with my library card the other day. When the teen aged clerk questioned me, I just looked at him and said “Knowledge is power.” I’m sure he thought I was crazy and maybe I am. I just want a normal holiday. It seems like so long since I have had one. Merry, Merry to all!
Non-gourmet stuffing:
This is stuffing that you mix with your hands in a dishpan. I think it must be Irish, because my Mum always made it and because it’s made with potatoes.
Mix cold mashed potatoes with fresh white bread that has been torn into small pieces. Stir one or two eggs and add to make everything bind.
Add some melted butter.
Finely chop and apple, an onion, a stalk of celery. Sprinkle on some salt, pepper, sage, savoury, and a dash of garlic powder.
Squash everything with your hands until very well combined. That is it!
There are no amounts listed because it depends on the size of the turkey and who is around sneaking big chunks of raw stuffing despite egg warnings. Our family members have always made a lot of extra stuffing and cooked it in a covered dish in the oven. There is no such thing as too much dressing where they are concerned. It makes lovely sandwiches layered with a wee bit of turkey and cranberry jelly.