Do Come In For Coffee.

By alison July 22, 2007 27 Comments 4 Min Read

Date

Actually on second thoughts, don’t bother. Run dear man, run for your life. I’m a housekeeping slut!

Dating in your thirties is an entirely different kettle of fish to dating in your teens. Then the only frame of reference the male species had to your soul was your fickle taste in music, how short your ra-ra skirt was and just how high you could spray your fringe up. And all things considered- if their best mate liked you , then you were almost guaranteed a night at the flicks and a shared bucket of popcorn. But alas, no more.

Now men expect you to attend the dating venue of their choice clutching your credit score, proof of your fertility and a picture of your Mum.  Never mind the fact that they have already googled you, had your house valued and in my case at least, know everything there is to know about you and beam in dubious delight as they present you with a gift wrapped organic cucumber because they read somewhere you had a culinary obsession with them…

And thats before you get down to the nitty gritty and invite them into your living room for coffee. (Lord help you Darling Girl, should you be so stupid.) For it is in your living room that the fun really begins. You see it is a truth universally acknowledged that the man in search of a wife fancies himself as the twenty first centuries answer to Sherlock Holmes and even the shortest soiree on your sofa will provide him with all the evidence he needs to make or break your future…

Never mind your gorgeous new highlights, french manicured fingernails and pale pink bra peeking seductively out from under your cashmere cardi.  When you see the object of your affections running a white gloved finger across your door frame and  staring at your bookcase as if you written all your secrets in  your collection of paperbacks, you will wonder why you bothered.

Examples? How about the rugby sized cad who bounded into my house, stopped dead in front of my  portrait of Robert Taylor and said  "I suppose that’s Mark?".

"Well no" I replied. "Thats Robert Taylor. He was a  a Hollywood movie star… erm he died in 1969."

"Same thing really" he muttered mysteriously, then walked into my kitchen, opened my cake tin and shoved a piece of carrot cake into his mouth like he hadn’t just devoured a four course meal and a kebab.

Then there was a man who dismantled my toilet in an effort to get to the root of my noisy plumbing before we had barely said hello. The same one who visibly shuddered as he trailed a finger across my scary green wallpaper and finally worked up the nerve to ask me what in heavens name possessed me to lay patterned carpet in my bathroom, over pomegranate sorbet in a chi-chi bar. And sadly the very same one who following a cringe-worthy date resplendent in shared financial history, took the opportunity to send me a new mortgage illustration the following day. By text.

Let’s not forget the oh so sweet man who wandered around touching things in a gleeful manner before turning to me with a huge big smile on his face, and saying "Oh yes. I feel right at home here.  I could live here I could. It reminds me of my Granny’s!".    Or the man who told me he couldn’t come to terms with the fact that my TV was ten years old and  left as fast as his excessively short little legs could carry him…

But first prize goes to the man who loved roast chicken. The one who came equipped with his divorce papers in his pocket (no really!). I had invited him over to dinner and the house was a glow with candles and the spark of unspoken chemistry. We were grinning at each other a lot and I was walking across the living room carrying the chicken on a vintage transfer ware platter, when all of a sudden he was possessed by the urge to rugby tackle me to the floor and nibble around the straps of my flowery apron (Yes Sweeties I’m the kind of girl who wears a pinny even in the midst of blatant seduction with  garlic rubbed poultry). So there we were, kind of sprawled across the rug with the chicken winking next to us, when he lifted his lips from my neck and in a tone I can only describe as borderline outrage, said "Alison May, you are a housekeeping fraud! There is fluff around the legs of your sofa!" before jumping up and breaking a leg off my darling roasted friend, as I went to fetch a feather duster  and watched one more promising relationship bite the dust.

If you will excuse the pun.

 

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

27 Comments

  1. This just cracked me up. I fear it's partially because I can relate so well to what you say. I wish it were another reason.

  2. This just cracked me up. I fear it's partially because I can relate so well to what you say. I wish it were another reason.

  3. Gayla says:

    Ouch! What a bunch of winners you've had lately.??? I hear you…

  4. Gayla says:

    Ouch! What a bunch of winners you've had lately.??? I hear you…

  5. MOTM says:

    Eegads!!!
    Reminds him of his granny's house??
    I hope you poured yourself an extra strong cup of tea after the last gent., maybe with a couple "cups" of Whiskey added in after the notation of the dust under the sofa! Yeeks… for a guy to notice that… I'd be horrified to ever bump into him again!

  6. I have just laughed so hard…. what clever writing. oh dear me..am I ever so thankful that I have been blissfully married for the last 17 yrs. I cannot imagine a dating scene such as the type that you paint here with words.LOL

  7. I have just laughed so hard…. what clever writing. oh dear me..am I ever so thankful that I have been blissfully married for the last 17 yrs. I cannot imagine a dating scene such as the type that you paint here with words.LOL

  8. Gayle says:

    I briefly dated a guy(over twenty years ago)who told me I would make a good wife because I cleaned pans well. I said "Bye, bye, so long!"

  9. Terri Pollhein says:

    Dear Lord, woman!
    Why do you tell them about Brocante home right away? If it's going to bring out Loonies like this. GEEZ!
    I HATED dating. I was always so worried and nervous about what the man would think that I could never just be myself. When I met my husband, he was engaged to someone else, so I didn't really care what he thought about me and just had fun…..18 months later I married him!!! It's been over 17 years now and he is the best decision I ever made.
    I guess what I'm saying is that maybe if you didn't care so much, you could find THE ONE!
    Also, going to church helps. I don't know if you're a religous sort, but it helped me quite a bit.
    Hang in there kiddo!
    God bless.
    Terri

  10. Grace says:

    Yikes, surely there is a safer way to find potential dates!
    Love the descriptions! LOL Surely there are still some kind, decent men out there somewhere, right?

  11. Grace says:

    Yikes, surely there is a safer way to find potential dates!
    Love the descriptions! LOL Surely there are still some kind, decent men out there somewhere, right?

  12. Amy says:

    gawsh! That one who shoves food in his mouth with no manners and has no idea about vintage movie stars is definitely one to forget about…

  13. CitizenJane says:

    Killarious! You just made me feel _happily married_ – no matter if I feel like devorcing him in my PMS monthly. There must be a deep, creepy dating jungle out there, indeed.

  14. CitizenJane says:

    Killarious! You just made me feel _happily married_ – no matter if I feel like devorcing him in my PMS monthly. There must be a deep, creepy dating jungle out there, indeed.

  15. Elizabeth says:

    So funny and at the same time soooo disturbing! Where are all the normal guys?!!

  16. Heather says:

    If you started a dating adventures blog I can guarantee that it would be a huge success. As a 30 something also out in the dating world I can completely relate!!!

  17. Ugh! Dating is so horrible!! I used to think that my so-called friends would just send any ol' single guy my way. Oh, I do feel badly for you! Maybe you should focus on the guy you already know you adore (Finn) and leave the rest for a bit. We all hand out the advice so easily, don't we? Just ignore mine if it's too stuffy! Blessings…

  18. Ugh! Dating is so horrible!! I used to think that my so-called friends would just send any ol' single guy my way. Oh, I do feel badly for you! Maybe you should focus on the guy you already know you adore (Finn) and leave the rest for a bit. We all hand out the advice so easily, don't we? Just ignore mine if it's too stuffy! Blessings…

  19. Well, there can be advantages to dating strange men. I met my one true love after dating many, many annoying men. I was about to lose hope. Then, I went on a date with this man who was refreshingly kind and 'normal'. A few years before, I would have found him boring and certainly would have not fallen in love with him. But after dating liars, psychos and giant egos, I could not help but fall under the charm of this shy, sweet and intelligent man. Bad dates are over for me now. So hang in there, you will meet Mr. Right when you least expect it!
    P.S. I was 34 when I met him…

  20. Well, there can be advantages to dating strange men. I met my one true love after dating many, many annoying men. I was about to lose hope. Then, I went on a date with this man who was refreshingly kind and 'normal'. A few years before, I would have found him boring and certainly would have not fallen in love with him. But after dating liars, psychos and giant egos, I could not help but fall under the charm of this shy, sweet and intelligent man. Bad dates are over for me now. So hang in there, you will meet Mr. Right when you least expect it!
    P.S. I was 34 when I met him…

  21. KJ says:

    How hysterical! I have been married for almost 23 years and I have often thought about what it would be like dating at this time in my life (almost 50! Yikes!) Even when I was dating here in sunny California, dating was like touring "Ripley's Believe It or Not"! I even remember being kissed by a guy that I fondly nicknamed "Trumpet Lips," because he kissed like he played his instrument. I thought I was about to become a blow fish!
    And, a date immediately helping himself to my kitchen without an invitation!? Ah! Most men are on their best behavior while dating… One can only imagine how he will depreciate if he's not one to work on relationships!
    kj

  22. KJ says:

    How hysterical! I have been married for almost 23 years and I have often thought about what it would be like dating at this time in my life (almost 50! Yikes!) Even when I was dating here in sunny California, dating was like touring "Ripley's Believe It or Not"! I even remember being kissed by a guy that I fondly nicknamed "Trumpet Lips," because he kissed like he played his instrument. I thought I was about to become a blow fish!
    And, a date immediately helping himself to my kitchen without an invitation!? Ah! Most men are on their best behavior while dating… One can only imagine how he will depreciate if he's not one to work on relationships!
    kj

  23. Sarah says:

    Well at least you have variety, I usually end up with them talking to my chest all night (to be fair I am well endowed and it'd be difficult not to) and then me refusing to let them into my house and escaping at the first available opportunity!!!

  24. shar says:

    Loved hearing about your dating
    adventures — I do wish you more luck in the future. (He actually had his divorce papers IN HIS POCKET??????)

  25. shar says:

    Loved hearing about your dating
    adventures — I do wish you more luck in the future. (He actually had his divorce papers IN HIS POCKET??????)

  26. Sam says:

    I'm 32 and haven't dated since my divorce back in 2000. Everytime I read something like this I think "Ummm… I think I'll wait longer!". To be fair, the biological clock is no longer an issue for me so I can put it off as much as I want. It does seem like men go bonkers after 30.

  27. Sam says:

    I'm 32 and haven't dated since my divorce back in 2000. Everytime I read something like this I think "Ummm… I think I'll wait longer!". To be fair, the biological clock is no longer an issue for me so I can put it off as much as I want. It does seem like men go bonkers after 30.

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