Domestic Sluttery

By alison January 14, 2011 8 Comments 3 Min Read

My eye is twitching, my nose is tickling and I’ve got two matching boils either side of my nose.
And that’s not all. My right hip is a whole inch wider than my left one. How did that happen over the course of a single week? What did I do that was so terrible, that I’m now in such a dire state at the end of seven terribly ordinary days?
I’ll tell you what I did: everything right, that’s what! I ate well. I resisted my beloved red wine. I went to bed early, took vitamins, and drank ice cold lemon juice. I cleaned the loo more times than it truly needed it. Read books instead of watching soaps, cuddled with my babba instead of hoovering the skirting boards and remembered to both put the bins out and pack that bag of dried mango’s my son’s teacher insisted I send into school.
In short people, I was a model citizen and what do I get for my troubles? Smacked about the head with the ugly stick, that’s what.
This makes me feel bad. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m hardly all about the pretty. Most days it’s all I can do to smudge on the eyeliner that makes me look vaguely human and drag a coat over heaven knows what. I’m not remotely glamorous, can barely conjure up the will to shave my legs and frequently forget to pluck my chin hair. But some days, nature renders me from bad to worse and while my standards might not be terribly high in the first place, when my body starts working against me in this kind of boily, sneezy, twitchy, spotty, flaky fashion, a bit of demoralization sets in and all hell breaks loose in my head.
I get a bit cross with the world. I snarl at those who like me and snipe at those who love me. I immediately abandon all good intentions and dally with the notion of taking up a wine spilling, top of bar dancing, hamburger eating, dirty floor loving, floozy kind of existence, just for the hell of it, because then one gets to stumble around the supermarket with just got of bed hair and rude eyes, looking as if one actually has a few secrets and an interesting life. Instead of being the kind of woman who talks about her slow cooker and worries about the damage coconut scented massage oil could inflict upon her spik and span starched sheets.
See the thing is this: some of us were born to be bad. Some of us spend our entire lives reigning ourselves in and taking vows to be good and then just when we think we’ve got goodness going on, our body rebels and declares itself unfit for healthy food and a sin free life. The house gets all weird. All kind of un-lived in. Too neat. The child wanders about looking vaguely mystified by the Mummy who seems to be play-acting the role of the other type of Mummy, the organised, sensible, not crazy, don’t have to apologise for her sort. And deep inside a vague feeling of nervousness beats it’s gentle drum.
So what is this? A call to abandon the good life and embrace the kind of domestic sluttery that could have one thrown into bad housewife jail? An ode to the charm of looking unkempt and rotting your liver? No, not at all.
I was just saying really. I was just saying, some days I look kind of ugly. And an ugly face has me dabbling in ugly thoughts. I was just saying, I think, that all this effort exhausts me, and I really wish I wasn’t the kind of woman for whom the good life doesn’t come naturally…

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8 Comments

  1. Sally Hackney says:

    Oh Alison, you made me laugh today and I needed it so! Domestic sluttery…I using that one on my husband and kids today. Wonder if they will get it? I know my grown daughters will. Sally
    p.s. I'm blowing dustballs out from under my keyboard right now. That's housework…right??

  2. Jenny says:

    Thanks for the smile this morning! The days I try to do everything right, things seem to fall apart as well. Today I am going to attempt to unearth my poor piano and its bench, which is so covered in dust and books and breakables (put up high so the littles don't knock them over) that I haven't been able to play it in weeks and weeks. However, I have extra motivation today – a piano lamp – a Christmas gift from my family that needs to find a home. There are probably more pressing things to do around here today but I am having a bit of a housework rebellion and am tackling the things that don't really need to be done instead. 😛

  3. SARAH says:

    Your post made me feel rather sad, and yet, not alone in the world. I often feel the way you described. Have you checked to see if you might be allergic to wheat or dairy. They can have that reaction on your skin. When I am down (which I have been this winter) I enjoy chocolate and homemade cookies and cakes too much and I start getting ugly. Not to mention chubby.
    I am planning on eating more avocados, salads, fish and take omegas. Also, I did a low acid diet last year and it did me wonders. You might Google that and see what it entails. It'll make you feel much happier and your skin will love you.
    Feel better!

  4. Bluebell says:

    Good on YOU! That is what makes you fabulous and endearing to read about and speak to! No-one, I repeat NO-ONE likes a 'ooh look at me aren't I always effortlessly perfect' housewife. You create this little haven of genuine beauty. And you live a real life Alison…like the rest of us which is what makes you stand out as special. Don't go a-changing one boil…not for a second. xx And for what it's worth…it is so liberating to be slummy once in a while. I think…

  5. Gena says:

    Oh I hear you! have you seen this site? http://www.domesticsluttery.com

  6. Wendy says:

    I love the term domestic sluttery!
    Don't forget that when you give up the so-called "bad things" in your diet, your body does a detox of sorts. Mine ALWAYS does! Give up caffiene and you get headaches. Give up wine, chocolates, desserts, what have you, and pimples abound. It is a good thing! I keep telling myself that, better out than in!

  7. Megan says:

    Hahahaha,how funny are you, love this post. Boy oh boy am I hearing you. Megan xx

  8. theresa cox says:

    me dear, I do think you are having a spot of id (freud, not bracelet)in response to upcoming changes; have you tried a bit of yoga and/or a pair of black leather leggings? cheers
    you're adorable

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