This is how it happens. You are having a lovely, mopey morning, after a scrumptiously romantic evening. You are a little bit tired. Still in your nightie, with maybe just a teeny smudge of last nights mascara under your eyes.
The baby is giddy with irrational glee because the gas man is coming. Snot is running down his face and you haven’t got round to dressing him yet, but you take time out for cuddles and tea in between chopping up veg for the soup and baking a heart shaped cherry cake because it is Wednesday and that is what you do on Wednesdays. Nightie or no nightie.
You hear the tumble dryer stop spinning so you open the door to your tiny little laundry room, and reach across to pull the towels out, when behind you, you hear a little voice say "Bye Mummy" and see the door into the kitchen slam closed. And that’s it. You are locked in laundry heaven. And yes it smells deliciously fresh in there, but now your two year old has got the run of the house and who knows what he is going to do…
You panic. You bang in a crazy fashion on the living room window in an effort to prevent your son drawing on your precious farmhouse table, then almost sink to your knees in grief as you watch him apply that ball point pen to the walls instead. You consider going out the back door, through the yard, down the passage, through your next door neighbours garden and out down the side of your terraced little cottages, past the church, and around , to your front door. But your feet are bare. and you are in your nightie and who knows what the old dears going to the parish luncheon club would make of that.
By now the little monster in your living room has got a bag of potatoes and is practising his basketball skills throwing potatoes at the mirror above your fireplace. You are close to hysteria, foreseeing glass and blood and God knows what all over your nice new Laura Ashley rug. So you tap on the window again. Your son looks up, then drags a chair across the room so he can press a wet kiss onto your screechy lips, through the glass. The child who never kisses you. You try in best calm mommy sotto voice to tell him how to open the window so you can try to squeeze through the window, and get into the living room. You try not to think about how that might look to any passing bin men, but it is pointless anyway because your son has selective deafness and when you say "Open. The. Window. Finley!" , he hears, "I’m going to tell you a Thomas Story" and gets himself settled in the armchair ready for mommy to entertain him.
You think about crying. There are potatoes everywhere. You watch your celiac ridden son go into the kitchen and fetch the wheat sodden cherry cake, then climb on top of his little vintage desk ,a squashed bit of cake dangerously close to his lips as he shouts at the top of his voice "I’m stuck, I’m stuck" Because he is, but not half as damn well stuck as you. So you try to send a telepathic help message to your Mum. And as usual she comes up trumps.
There is a man standing in your living room. A beautiful man. A man with a beer belly and a beard. And you love him, and hell, who cares who he is, and what he is here for. You bang on the window like a mad woman, and this lovely, lovely stranger , steps over the potatoes and the upturned chair, picks your son out of his desk and comes into the kitchen, and lets you out of your almond scented prison.
You want to hug him like a long lost friend. But you don’t because maybe he has got a gun hidden in that there beer belly. And anyway what sort of crazy person let’s themselves into other peoples houses? You try to look stern and scary. But you are not even scaring your babba, who is jumping up and down in demented excitement, because "Look Mummy, it is the gasmans. Yey, it’s the gasmans. I show you where the gas is Mr Man. I show you…"
You shake a little bit. Then you switch on the kettle and resolve to tell your grandchildren about the day the gasman saved your life.
Create your own Brocante Life Book, plan Christmas, set up routines and rituals or live life the BrocanteHome way with my guided workbooks and planners.
May your day be abundant with gratitude and cheer. Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome Browse the Bookstore Discover a curated list of books to enhance and support life the BrocanteHome way Browse the Bookstore Life Love & Vintage Housekeeping the by…
Look at her. She could be anybody now couldn’t she? That hair. The corsage. The insouciance.And yet this photograph was taken in 1928 when one Fay Watson was arrested for possession of cocaine. Is there not something astonishing about the fact that…
SNAPPY ONE LINERS + VINTAGE IMAGES = SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME WANT TO TYPE LOL… (Even though people who say LOL on a regular basis should be hung, drawn and basted in barbeque sauce.) I do wish all of this wasn’t the…
My mornings have been blessed with the washing line acrobatics of my resident robin. My elevenses taken in front of twelve windows full of winter pink sky. All is well, but the slates fell off my roof and landed in my laundry…
Simple Savings. The Glass Doorknob Nesting In The 21st Century Clare Nicolson Textile Design 5 A Day… VINTAGE BABY BIB PATTERN Lindy Sue’s. For Clean Living… The Twin Cities Green Guide Bovary Kimono, Leda Kimono Paper Vignettes by Paper Relics The Vintage…
Inspired Once upon a time a mean girl on the internet called Brocantehome “the Pink Palace” in a midst of what turned out to be a rather spiteful comment. But I was delighted! It struck me that having my very own pink…
13 Comments
You crack me up! Been there done that but my involved a 3 year old,a baby and a neighbours cleaner!
I'm so glad for the gas man!! Of course, you know we've all done this (I am thinking of a time the fire department came to unlock my darling baby girl from my car….I had locked her inside when my mind was foggy with a new pregnancy). Lovely! Hang in there dear.
Oh Lordy Alison, you certainly have a way with words! I'm sure you couldn't see the funny side of it at the time, but you made me laugh… Don't you just love toddlers???
I laughed so hard that tears actually rolled down my cheeks. Reminds of the time I was 9 months pregnant living in still-divided Berlin, W. Germany in a pre-war German apartment (my husband was in the U.S. Air Force). I was in a very narrow and deep German tub, turned to get the soap and got stuck sideways, no way out, couldn't even reach the blasted soap due to a humongous belly. Banged on the walls until someone called the military police who broke in our apartment and got me out. Talk about the most embarrassing day of my life! I guess I need to tell my son that story.
Alison – this would make a great tv show! I can just see it now…those church ladies in their floral dresses, hats, gloves & shoes and here comes the vintage housekeeper trotting down the side path in all her vintage glory! how funny …..been there done it too…but it is a little scary at the time being separated from your toddler by a locked door.
Oh Alison! I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing. And give that ornery little bugger a big hug from all of your housekeepers!
Ah, funny stuff! Love that Finley to pieces…..but do tell. What exactly was that gasman's reaction to the disheveled, breathless, nightie gowned Alison?! Bet you made HIS day as well! (I miss being a Mommy…..once they turn 21 you are a "MOM"…generally spelled "A-T-M".)
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":300,"top_media_type":"featured_image","featured_image_url":"http:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/tipjar-2.png","featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"BrocanteHome","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"BrocanteHome","form_subtitle":"Help Me to Keep BrocanteHome Online","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much: helping me keep Brocantehome online really means the world to me.","payment_confirmation_title":"BrocanteHome","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
You crack me up!
Been there done that but my involved a 3 year old,a baby and a neighbours cleaner!
Oh Alison…that is soo funny!! I'm sorry …but you really had me laughing! Hope you have a restful day!
Hugs dear..
I'm so glad for the gas man!! Of course, you know we've all done this (I am thinking of a time the fire department came to unlock my darling baby girl from my car….I had locked her inside when my mind was foggy with a new pregnancy). Lovely!
Hang in there dear.
Oh, you had me laughing out loud! Thanks for the humor today!
Oh Lordy Alison, you certainly have a way with words! I'm sure you couldn't see the funny side of it at the time, but you made me laugh…
Don't you just love toddlers???
What a stunning little boy! He is going to have to beat the girls off with a stick when he is a few years older….
I laughed so hard that tears actually rolled down my cheeks. Reminds of the time I was 9 months pregnant living in still-divided Berlin, W. Germany in a pre-war German apartment (my husband was in the U.S. Air Force). I was in a very narrow and deep German tub, turned to get the soap and got stuck sideways, no way out, couldn't even reach the blasted soap due to a humongous belly. Banged on the walls until someone called the military police who broke in our apartment and got me out. Talk about the most embarrassing day of my life! I guess I need to tell my son that story.
Oh, what a beautiful morning, huh? I've called my mom and my best friends to read this to them. They are all HUGE Finley fans! Love ya! G.
Alison – this would make a great tv show! I can just see it now…those church ladies in their floral dresses, hats, gloves & shoes and here comes the vintage housekeeper trotting down the side path in all her vintage glory! how funny …..been there done it too…but it is a little scary at the time being separated from your toddler by a locked door.
Dear, I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Thanks heavens you were rescued!
Oh Alison…What adventures! I agree with Ms*Robyn, this would make a great television series…
Oh Alison! I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing. And give that ornery little bugger a big hug from all of your housekeepers!
Ah, funny stuff! Love that Finley to pieces…..but do tell. What exactly was that gasman's reaction to the disheveled, breathless, nightie gowned Alison?! Bet you made HIS day as well! (I miss being a Mommy…..once they turn 21 you are a "MOM"…generally spelled "A-T-M".)