Evening.

By alison June 13, 2006 30 Comments 2 Min Read

Bed

It is late and I am tired in the nicest possible way it is to be tired: the dull ache of  the expenditure of physical energy without the drain of heartache, sorrow, loneliness, or misery…

Today I bought a beautiful pair of forties style black patent leather stacked slingbacks. I am in love with them. So in love in fact that I have popped them on the white metal shelf in my bedroom so I can smile at them from my bed.

I keep spending money on things I don’t need and feeling the teeniest sense of satisfaction in allowing myself to be so bold: to sense the freedom of pleasing myself day after day after day. To have prawn salad three nights on the run just because I want to.  To leave the rosemary and lavender scented bathwater in the bath overnight so the whole house is gently fragranced as I sleep through dreams less hectic than they used to be. To read till three o’clock in the morning  in the bliss of  my own company, and  oh joy, oh joy, oh joy, to pretend that the  World Cup isn’t happening….

There is a calm here tonight I don’t think I have ever known. It is, I think called acceptance.

Up until a few weeks ago I had a quote from Katherine Mansfield tucked into the corner of my bathroom mirror:

"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."

I have always loved this quote. Thought that somehow I lived it. But it wasn’t true. Not then.

Tonight Mark is home from his jaunt around the Mediterannean. Bronzed and beautiful and ashamed. Maybe he is on his way home. Or maybe fear of facing his own catastrophic actions will keep him away forever.

But six weeks later I am different.  Not seismically so. But enough to know that that there is no going back. That it is time to act for myself. To face the truth and choose the  road  that protects us  all. Together or apart.

Sleep tight Housekeepers. x

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30 Comments

  1. kali says:

    Hi Ali ~ there is definitely a calmness and acceptance in your writing today…I can feel the peace in you, and there is huge gladness in my heart. God speed!

  2. kali says:

    Hi Ali ~ there is definitely a calmness and acceptance in your writing today…I can feel the peace in you, and there is huge gladness in my heart. God speed!

  3. Sara says:

    I agree with Kali, you do sound calmer, more at peace with yourself. I'm glad that you are finding that place and hope that no matter what comes, you keep it.

  4. melissa says:

    You sound stronger, which I think is a good thing. Hang in there, sweetie.

  5. melissa says:

    You sound stronger, which I think is a good thing. Hang in there, sweetie.

  6. Alicat says:

    I say go for it and do what makes you happy. You only live once. 😉

  7. Alicat says:

    I say go for it and do what makes you happy. You only live once. 😉

  8. Alicat says:

    erm — I meant that regarding buying goodies and enjoying yourself. But it can be applied generally as well. 🙂
    Take care Ali

  9. Alicat says:

    erm — I meant that regarding buying goodies and enjoying yourself. But it can be applied generally as well. 🙂
    Take care Ali

  10. Kim says:

    You sound really good…who said what doesn't kill us makes us stronger??? Sweet dreams right back at you….

  11. maryann says:

    oh, lovely, lovely! so sweet, so centered, so…accepting. love it. glad you are here!
    hugs,
    maryann

  12. maryann says:

    oh, lovely, lovely! so sweet, so centered, so…accepting. love it. glad you are here!
    hugs,
    maryann

  13. ms*robyn says:

    and so he should be ashamed !!!! what happens next? only time will tell, ms*Alison – but don't forget just how strong you ARE.

  14. ms*robyn says:

    and so he should be ashamed !!!! what happens next? only time will tell, ms*Alison – but don't forget just how strong you ARE.

  15. Gena King says:

    Oh how wonderful! you are amazing,it shows every day in your writing,and those shoes! wow!

  16. Gena King says:

    Oh how wonderful! you are amazing,it shows every day in your writing,and those shoes! wow!

  17. paula says:

    Now you are discovering life as it is. And discovering yourself and the pleasure of life lived for yourself – and your little boy.

  18. Mindy says:

    I have to agree with Robyn..he should be ashamed, but in 6 weeks time tremendous growth has exploded within you! This is awesome to see and to hear…Its evident in your writing, as the peace you are now walking in!! Hugs to you Ali, and keep moving forward!!!

  19. Mindy says:

    I have to agree with Robyn..he should be ashamed, but in 6 weeks time tremendous growth has exploded within you! This is awesome to see and to hear…Its evident in your writing, as the peace you are now walking in!! Hugs to you Ali, and keep moving forward!!!

  20. Kether says:

    Just wanted to agree with everyone else. You sound so centered and calm. My heart is filled with hope for you.
    God bless.

  21. Kether says:

    Just wanted to agree with everyone else. You sound so centered and calm. My heart is filled with hope for you.
    God bless.

  22. Matt says:

    Don't know what a "stacked slingback" is but it sounds like a marvelous photo op. FYI There's a restaurant in my area that has the type of pictures from the turn-of-the-century that you have posted here. They're slides (positives) hung on the wall behind glass light tables. The digital camera take to them like butter. I photographed them all (with the owner's permission and now have a great set of the old-time stuff–lots of umbrellas, hats and flowers, some put together (primitively) from several images.
    Great blog! http://digitalartphotographyfordummies.blogspot.c

  23. Matt says:

    Don't know what a "stacked slingback" is but it sounds like a marvelous photo op. FYI There's a restaurant in my area that has the type of pictures from the turn-of-the-century that you have posted here. They're slides (positives) hung on the wall behind glass light tables. The digital camera take to them like butter. I photographed them all (with the owner's permission and now have a great set of the old-time stuff–lots of umbrellas, hats and flowers, some put together (primitively) from several images.
    Great blog! http://digitalartphotographyfordummies.blogspot.c

  24. Meredith says:

    Oh Alison I just wish for many peaceful and happy moments like this for you. You deserve them. And you keep seeing the fun and beauty in everyday life and help us all look for it too. We love you!!

  25. Meredith says:

    Oh Alison I just wish for many peaceful and happy moments like this for you. You deserve them. And you keep seeing the fun and beauty in everyday life and help us all look for it too. We love you!!

  26. Megan says:

    I blogged surfed here through various other virtual homes, and have been reading through your posts. The roller coaster of 6 weeks upheaval condensed into half an hours reading makes what you have been through much easier to read than live, certainly, but I wanted to say that your voice has remained your own throughout. Always. What a pleasure it is to have found you. I am sure the road ahead will be a windy one, and I know your footing will be sure.
    Yes, God speed.

  27. Megan says:

    I blogged surfed here through various other virtual homes, and have been reading through your posts. The roller coaster of 6 weeks upheaval condensed into half an hours reading makes what you have been through much easier to read than live, certainly, but I wanted to say that your voice has remained your own throughout. Always. What a pleasure it is to have found you. I am sure the road ahead will be a windy one, and I know your footing will be sure.
    Yes, God speed.

  28. Sarah says:

    Alison,
    I'm glad you feel stronger. Stay calm and all your decisions will be easier. You and Finn take care.

  29. Sarah says:

    Alison,
    I'm glad you feel stronger. Stay calm and all your decisions will be easier. You and Finn take care.

  30. peggy says:

    Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourself!

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