Mummy and Daddy decide baby is no longer a baby and must have a room that both reflects new grown up status and rewards all round bravery and school report of wondrous excellence that made Mummy cry and Daddy wonder out loud if said child belonged to them.
Mummy discusses matter over milky
Child goes to sleep and Mummy crawls around in the darkness snaffling broken plastic wot nots into a bin
Child goes to school and Mummy goes shopping for items that will not compromise existing decoration nor offend child’s peculiarly adult taste. Debates aesthetically pleasing vintage style tin reproductions of Spider man covers circa 1950 but realize they break no-cartoon clause and shuffles back to square one. Buys Tomorrow is a Lovely Day print, blue
Mummy arranges for Daddy to come perform miracles. Sets child up with DS and a tray of treats and climbs the stairs ready to do battle with crayoned walls and flat pack furniture, while she kid’s herself that life after pseudo divorce is all well and oh so civilized. Soon finds herself locked in small hot room with the Missing Link , who is armed with hammer and apparently on speed. Or miserable pills. Or both. Argument breaks out. Missing Link is bolshie. Mummy is too thick to be able to judge where furniture should live till she has seen it in situ. Missing Link leaves room to dampen steam coming out of his ears. Says this is why he left! Mummy ignores childish outburst and risks life and limb debating a whole new arrangement of furniture. Daddy drags bed across room and child comes up to investigate goings on. Child has fit because precious rabbits have been moved to make way for bookcase. Says he’s leaving and going to live in Kath’s house. Daddy very, very cross at ungrateful child and imbecile Mother. Daddy drags bookcase across floor and snaps off Bunny Rabbit two’s tail. Mummy loses the plot and has to control violence in her fingertips. Child screams and adds to all round mayhem. Mummy wonders what she ever saw in Missing Link. Nana is called to remove child to safe place so estranged parents can kill each other in peace.
Calm is restored when suitable arrangement of furniture is established. Mummy paints and Daddy drills and swear under his breath just like old times. Room comes together in a snap. Daddy goes downstairs singing and comes back carrying cheese doorstops and strawberry shortbread on coordinating crockery. Mummy recognizes Baby plate and long lost Charles and Diana mug as apology of sorts. She will not however concede that bald head and thirty seven years on the planet make him a suitable partner for a twenty two year old girl. Arranges photograph of said bald head on noticeboard so she can throw darts at it later.
Child returns home and wants to know how we can be sure tomorrow will be a lovely day? Mummy and Daddy cheer because child who insists he cannot read, read it all by himself. Child fails to see the joke and fleetingly wears hunted look as if from now he will be relied upon to read The Times…
Dove’s fly, rabbits run, and pear shaped family lives to see another day.