Gone Fishing
Day four in Heartbreak House. After twenty four hours of solid stupid sobbing egged on by PMT from hell, I finally gave it up as a bad job. Let’s face it, worse things happen at sea and rumour has it there are plenty more fish in it too. (Yey!!) But while the day I dare go fishing again is, ooooh, at least two weeks off yet, there is only so much moping around a woman with any spirit in her dancing shoes can do before she wants to take herself into a dark room and beat herself around the head with a chinese wok.
I mean really!! What made me feel I was entitled to quite so much pea soup soaked bliss anyway? Me! With a bum like the back of a haulage wagon and grey hairs sprouting out my nose? Any woman worth her self-deluded salt knows that blaming the kind of man who wouldn’t know happiness if it swooped him up in a bear hug and took him out for a pint, is ludicrous when it is clear to all and sundry that it is her cellulite, stretch marks and crepey old bingo wings that are to blame for both her current emotional crisis and the state of the nation. And so in the past two days I have done what all women do when they can’t see their brains through their mascara…namely dyed my hair a funny shade of something and signed myself up to the WeightWatching brigade. And yes of course I know how very very ridiculous that is but it makes me feel better so try and stop me and I will have something of a hissy fit, ok?
Luckily most of my friends and family aren’t remotely threatened by my frosty, whingy hysteria. They are in fact getting rather used to it and so, as good friends should, they come and wrap me up in a communal hug, join me in in calling him concerned a whole lot of very bad words indeed and humour me when I say Yes but I loooove that scrunchy winky thing he does with his eyes and he’s the bestest middle of the night snuggler in the world. And You don’t understand, (screeched like a banshee) I like him more than CAKE!!! And for a moment they sit pondering on the enormity of that last sentence and then obviously we all fall off our chairs giggling at my sheer demented lunacy. God bless my girls. They humour me and try to hide my phone. But I already understand that there is nothing dignified about making unasked for calls and I am quick to reassure them that there is no need: I can be trusted with my mobile and wouldn’t dream of turning into his very own late-night stalker. Wouldn’t dream of calling him again full stop. Unless of course there was a Screaming Multiple Orgasm or six involved and both my sanity and dignity had flown out of a swanky bar window.
And so the women I know humour me and feed me. Kate plonks me down in the midst of her cosy kitchen and makes me a skinny casserole. Clare invites me for breakfast and stuffs me with still warm homemade orange muffins and mugs of matching
I love them all. Women you see understand what is required of them. They get what sympathy is all about. Women, as Martin Amis once remarked, have got tears cold. Not so the men in my life. While even they it seems can be relied upon for the delivery of unexpected bouquets in times of turmoil, it is sad but true to say that where women see heartbreak, men see opportunity with a glaring capital O. One silly specimen turned up on my doorstep, all outstretched arms and let me make you feel betters and seem surprised when I chased him without so much as a resentful cup of coffee. (He would, Julie later informed me, probably turn up at the burial of my late husband when I’m ninety three, so persistent an opportunist that he is.) Another rang full of I’m so sorry you are sad’s that all too quickly turned into I told you so’s and Let me make me you happys. And a third still (oh these arrogant fools!) offered me a holiday to anywhere. Let’s just bite the bullet and do it, he said, all charm, and fast car and cufflinks.
Ao there you have it: my very own groupies.. wannabes crawling out the woodwork. An infestation of ulterior motive. You’ve got to wonder if they’d be quite as quick in his grave.
But enough already because who needs this kind of nonsense? I don’t want holidays and schmoozing. I want my girls. And marmite flavoured rice cakes. And on Lindas recommendation, to play Griffin Houses’ song The Guy Who Says Goodbye To You Is Out Of His Mind till I turn blue. And tidy drawers please. And him. (Because I’m a spoilt little madam.) And a clean oven. And Big Brother. And my little boy. Because the very last word I will ever utter on on this entire subject has to go to Finley…
He has, with all the fervour of a four year old, decided that his precious curls are no longer de rigeur. He wants instead, hair he can spike with gel like his cousin Gabriel’s, or failing that, a head shaved like Paul’s. So he has taken to wetting his hair and plastering it down to his head like Pee Wee Herman. It isn’t a good look, but who am I to interfere? Unless of course, like this morning, it is five to nine and we are already late for school.
Finley, I said, we haven’t got time time to do your hair this morning.
Yes but I need to
Mummy, so nobody will recognise me. I wannnnnnnnnt to.
Well, said I, I’m afraid I want doesn’t always get, now move it!
Mummy, he said, water dripping down his t-shirt, don’t you know what the point of lif
e is?
I stopped in my tracks.
Tell me Finley…
The point of life Mummy, is to get what you want. Otherwise it hurts your heart. My heart will hurt if I don’t have straight hair today Mummy.
And so because I don’t want him to know how it feels to have a heart that hurts, I helped him smooth his hair behind his ears like Antonio Banderas on a good day, took him to school and went shopping for the kind of fishing rod that sounds an alarm when you hook a dodgy catch..
Life goes on. And Big Brother starts tomorrow. Zo it’s not all bad.
awww Fin’s a sweetie! Thank goodness for girlfriends – so glad you’re doing better 🙂
you sound a bit better
Finn is too adorable
I am so sorry that your heart is broken Alison… I wish we could all just reach through the computer and say “hey…how dare you do that to her??”!!! Here are a few words of wisdom my best friend sent me one time when I was feeling a bit low. 🙂 xo Heather
Sisters
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
“Don’t forget your Sisters,” she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. “They’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. “Remember that ‘Sisters’ means ALL the women…your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. “You’ll need other women. Women always do.
“What a funny piece of advice!’ the young woman thought. Haven’t I just gotten married?Haven’t I just joined the couple-world? I’m now amarried woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!
‘But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I’ve learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don’t always do what they’re supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT………
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you…
Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extendedfamily, all bless our life!
The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood,
we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other.
It sounds like you have wonderful friends!!
I hope you are feeling better–and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
🙂
Kat
Oh, I’m glad you found the song! (It always bothers my anal self that it’s called The Guy *That* Says Goodbye to You…., but it cheered me up and so I forgive.)
You sound a bit better. Go spoil yourself.
Big up yourself for still never letting these blips in life alter your crystal clear view on the world around you and your rare talent for getting it down so fantastically in words….
Thank goodness for those special girl friends, and the most amazing little man you'll EVER have in your life…
Big up yourself for still never letting these blips in life alter your crystal clear view on the world around you and your rare talent for getting it down so fantastically in words….
Thank goodness for those special girl friends, and the most amazing little man you'll EVER have in your life…
Thank goodness for Finley and friends! I’m really so sorry to hear your heart is broken again. But you sound like you are doing ok and you have a lot of love and support. There really is a fantastic fish out there swimming around waiting for you to find him and you will! From experience I truely believe that the ones that get away are meant to get away, so that you can find Mr Right. Trust me, I know this from the experience of the last year. You will find your good fish. Just be patient.
Also, I totally understand that doing the weightwatchers thing is your way of making you feel better and positive so I’m not going to say don’t do it, but remember, he has the problem not you.
….. "the kind of man who wouldn't know happiness if it swooped him up in a bear hug and took him out for a pint" – Alison, that is the best sentence I have read all year. Thankyou.
If you wanted a story oh so similar, I’d be happy to share about a last minute holiday away from my confusing everyday relationships when I spent every moment thinking of a man I hadn’t yet met. Only to be greeted at the airport by the exhusband, who drove me through a snowstorm an hour and a half to get back home. One in my drive, I saw that my most recent heartbreak was shoveling my sidewalks. After bidding them goodnight and “I’m soooo exhausted..” a long lost lover turned up at my door. “I was wrong” he said. UGH! Where is all that kindness when you actually care?! There is a wonderful thing about transitions though, they can bring on some of the best writing! You’re lovely. =) Blessings… Polly
If you wanted a story oh so similar, I’d be happy to share about a last minute holiday away from my confusing everyday relationships when I spent every moment thinking of a man I hadn’t yet met. Only to be greeted at the airport by the exhusband, who drove me through a snowstorm an hour and a half to get back home. One in my drive, I saw that my most recent heartbreak was shoveling my sidewalks. After bidding them goodnight and “I’m soooo exhausted..” a long lost lover turned up at my door. “I was wrong” he said. UGH! Where is all that kindness when you actually care?! There is a wonderful thing about transitions though, they can bring on some of the best writing! You’re lovely. =) Blessings… Polly
I’m in a very happy relationship with a wonderful man. We are trying to have a baby, we are a stable, loving couple. Our first year as a couple, 4 1/2 years ago, was awful. He could not committ (commit ? Sorry for the bad English, I’m French Canadian). It was constantly on and off, very painful. I could not stop loving him, I knew he was the one. Well, it worked out. When Mark left, I felt it was over. By the things he said, the way he left you, etc.. Funny, I feel it’s different this time. Men are often fearful. They often must leave you for a while to learn how much they miss you, they are indeed strange creatures. Give it time, you may have a big surprise. In any case, I know you will find a nice man one day.
I liked the cake part…better than…we know that can’t be true..ha!
When I read your post, my heart just dropped. I truly hoped you’d found happiness. However, men, as has been said before, are strange. Very strange. As you said, most of them wouldn’t know happiness if it jumped up and bit them in the bum!
You’re a survivor, Alison. Women are. That’s what we do. And you do it with style. 🙂 You go girl.
Oh. Honey… What can be said you haven’t said or thought? No amount of mental recreational second guessing can fix up a dream gone bad. I truly recommend Marianne Williamson in any form, but especially in Everyday Grace… You are too young for Mirace at Midlife, but it is absolutely fantabulous and worth underlining the whole darn book…. It suits me at my dottering age to a t…. We love you. We love Finley… and we don’t love him to hurts you. That is that. and although it isn’t a warm shoulder to hug, it is instead…. so gratifying to be a Sistah!!! Hugs from MO…
Men are from Mars…they don't get it and likely never will..should they, it is only fleeting.
NEVER NEVER NEVER pursue a distancing spouse, boyfriend, significant other, i.e. It only makes them run (away) faster. Be patient…let them chase you…and if they don't, then it's not meant to be and you're better off knowing up front. Yes it is hard when you are crazy "mad" over someone…but letting them know how you feel is the quickest way to kill what might be…ALWAYS let "him" confess his love to you before you reveal or give him a clue of your feelings for him…hard yes, but you'll be better off for it.
In every relationship there is always one person more in love with the other…it's best when the man wants you more than you want him.
Finally…there is no such thing as a soulmate except in fiction and the movies.
My .02 cents worth….sorry you are having such a sad time…hope things look better soon. True love is around the corner..it may be a looonnng corner, but love will show up when you quit looking so hard.
I loved young Finn's wise comment that the point of life is 'getting what you want'.
The good question is: Do we know what we want?
What is our priority? Yours has clearly been Finn. As it should be.
But, now it's your turn. What does Allison want? A beautiful, normal relationship that can enhance what you already have in place in your home. Not someone to put all your dreams and plans into to ensure happiness, but to share with you what you already have and to be an adult companion and share your love and your life.
Keep it going on, girl. You are so special and have so much to give….be you, be authentic, and people will be attracted to you even more. I'm sure it will happen; maybe he is someone you have already met and your eyes haven't seen him yet.
Keep your heart open and a smile going and love who you are and empower yourself and forgive yourself and know that people love and care about you.
Alison,
You were doubting yourself in the way you look…you’re beautiful just the way you are! Just think about this…two of the most beautiful women in the world had men troubles….Christy Brinkley…and now Shania Twain!!! So…It’s gotta be those silly buggers we call men! Move on sweetie, your’re much too good to moan over that fool.
luv,
Julie.
Happy fishing. You deserve better. Catch something for me too.