One of the emotions I find hardest to navigate as a blogger, is the guilt I feel when life isn’t going well and it feels like pulling teeth trying to find something inspiring, reassuring or hopeful to say. So in the middle of the afternoon I sit on the edge of my bed, resisting the temptation to bury myself under the yellow quilt and I debate whether to write or not to write. For haven’t you got enough problems of your own without having to peruse mine?
Today the sky is perfectly blue and there is a single magpie perched on top of the world’s biggest pumpkin in the garden of the teeny cottage across the road. Ste hasn’t come home.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do about anything. It isn’t a question of indecisiveness. But rather a paralysis of the soul. A stopping of the self. I don’t know what to do, so I do nothing at all and instead sit bolt upright, rubbing olive oil hand cream into my hands, feeling rather appalled at both the grease and the stench, and staring over the rooftops while I ponder why my silly son has christened our own pumpkin, Jeff Bridges. Of all things.
In times of stress, the house is always immaculate. Fairy lights twinkle everywhere, strung around my office and blinking in the corner of my living room. It is in fact the most telling of all signs that all is not well, should you dip your head into my laundry basket and find n’er a sock. Or if I seem to be walking as if I am nine months pregnant, my stomach bloated with air and worry. When the fridges are bare, disinfected and cold. When I have taken the time to make stacks of letters, books, and magazines as if to shout at myself, this! And this! And this!
But I am too angry to really think. Anger is a funny emotion isn’t it? I find it terribly useful and channel my burning rage into a frenzy of action, certain that someone somewhere should set up an awarding body for all those women ticking off their to-do’s instead of punching people in the face. For she who is coping, because yet again life has given her no other choice.
In many ways anger is a revelation. Something I feel so rarely I am astonished by how so completely it can take control of my mouth when it arrives without any fanfare. Instead slowly wrapping its fiery fingers around my heart until I am apparently a woman at the end of my own tether, suddenly outraged by the sheer injustice of my situation. Becoming someone in the space of one text, I barely recognise and standing dripping wet from the shower, bewildered by the words I have tapped into my phone, and immediately trying to undo the damage caused with apologies, even I am not sure I mean. For am I sorry? Am I sorry for telling my truth, and asking for what I need even when I know that it will be both wholly misunderstood and totally ignored? Am I sorry for having to hold the forte by myself, overwhelmed with worry about money, and Christmas and irrational fears like whether I will die alone with cats licking my face and milk on the turn in a fridge crawling with mould? For once speaking from a place of absolute pain instead of trying to keep my rage at bay with the kind of dedicated, self-sacrificing, loyalty, I usually rely upon?
I don’t know. I am trying so very hard to be brave. But limbo is such a frightening place to lurk in.
Today then. I must shop. I must dress in something that will not frighten the public and leave the house. I must eat something. Perhaps the sourdough topped with pepper sprinkled cottage cheese I have been dreaming of? I must pay the council tax and walk the two minutes up the road it will take me to pay the money into the post office. Return the calls from the Doctors that I keep missing. Field all the worried calls and messages from family and friends. Reassure everyone that I might be ever so slightly off my trolley today, but this too will pass, for doesn’t it always and haven’t I got so much to look forward to in spite of the kind of crisis I have no control over at all?
I don’t know what to do. But that doesn’t mean I have the luxury of doing nothing. I do not have the luxury of abandoning all responsibility. Nothing simply isn’t an option for longer than a day or two. I have got a business to run, and a child to love, and rent to pay and dreams to dream. Nothing isn’t an option. And rightly so. Nothingness, could you see, drive a person to utter despair and despair is to be avoided at all costs, hope my preference at all times. But hope without compromise now. Hope that says this can’t go on. Hope dressed in the kind of new togs I have never seen her wear before. Hope that says well now, perhaps the future won’t be what I so very much wanted, and perhaps this feels terribly hard and desperately lonely right now, but this too will pass.
Create your own Brocante Life Book, plan Christmas, set up routines and rituals or live life the BrocanteHome way with my guided workbooks and planners.
Perhaps it is a sign of the times, this nostalgia for moments long gone I am experiencing. A reaction to the deep uncertainty I currently feel. Claustrophobia as a symptom of Covid. The longing to scream out loud my suppressed panic and run…
Good lord. Let us not speak of the fact that It is already the middle of February and I have been missing in domestic action since Christmas. One does tend to rather lose January in a fog of new bath oils, books…
Today. A long call with my doctor and then a drive with Finn, to sit staring at the geese gathered like so many gossiping Mothers at the school gates, cooing at each other and gathering their babies into groups dotted along the…
It is March. And I am fifty. Two things that strike me as quite impossible for wasn’t it Christmas just yesterday. And surely I am just twenty-eight? Time, my sister tells me, doesn’t exist, so therefore yes, I declare myself under thirty…
She arrived suddenly didn’t she? Autumn. Shrugging her way into our lives with all her stylish nonchalance and turning her nose up at the very idea of letting Summer tint the last of the green tomatoes into anything remotely edible. It is…
My washing machine heard a rumour, just before Christmas, that washing machines of its ilk were setting themselves on fire and so being an obedient little thing, she duly did as she was told and two days after the machines were recalled…
12 Comments
Beautifully written, I feel like you are telling my story.
You are so strong, really you are. And you constantly inspire me when I’m feeling at loose ends and untethered and like jelly inside-because I see how you handle things when your life is making you want to scream and it makes me realize I can handle things like you do.
I am carrying you in my thoughts and prayers, dear. Your words so often touch my heart, and I can only hope to repay you by sending my most sincere best wishes. And perhaps a feeble attempt at comfort for you. You are incredibly strong. We are all sending love and healing vibes to you and your family.
feel you Alison ….. i am displaced from my home living with my mum some of the time and i am nearly 50. All we can do is keep on. Thank you for your writing always.
I think we have all been there and some of us are perhaps there now, and it is not a nice place to be. I always try and think that out of chaos comes clarity of mind and out of anger, love often follows. Sometimes though chaos reigns and anger stays. Life is never easy and sometimes it is overwhelming and frightening and hard to put one foot in front of the other. I am often in that place and have been for a few months now. It is not over, but it is better at least I feel better, I hope you do too. You offer us all so much, and you must I hope know how much you are appreciated. In my darkest hours, I have read your words and books, and it is then I realize we are none of us really alone. I thank you.
I love this: “someone somewhere should set up an awarding body for all those women ticking off their to-do’s instead of punching people in the face.” I wonder if it would be tactless to post that in my cubicle… Hang in there, gorgeous. Often the hardest resets bring you to a place better than you’ve dared dream.
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":300,"top_media_type":"featured_image","featured_image_url":"http:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/tipjar-2.png","featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"BrocanteHome","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"BrocanteHome","form_subtitle":"Help Me to Keep BrocanteHome Online","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much: helping me keep Brocantehome online really means the world to me.","payment_confirmation_title":"BrocanteHome","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
Beautifully written, I feel like you are telling my story.
I’m only sorry its your story too, Jennifer.x
Beautifully written, I feel like you are telling my story.
I’m so sorry this has happened and hope everything can work out for you. Very well written to where we can practically feel your pain.
Thank you so much Mellie.x
I’m so sorry, Alison, that this is the situation. You are not alone, but I don’t know that that helps much does it?
You are so strong, really you are. And you constantly inspire me when I’m feeling at loose ends and untethered and like jelly inside-because I see how you handle things when your life is making you want to scream and it makes me realize I can handle things like you do.
I am carrying you in my thoughts and prayers, dear. Your words so often touch my heart, and I can only hope to repay you by sending my most sincere best wishes. And perhaps a feeble attempt at comfort for you. You are incredibly strong. We are all sending love and healing vibes to you and your family.
feel you Alison ….. i am displaced from my home living with my mum some of the time and i am nearly 50. All we can do is keep on. Thank you for your writing always.
I think we have all been there and some of us are perhaps there now, and it is not a nice place to be. I always try and think that out of chaos comes clarity of mind and out of anger, love often follows. Sometimes though chaos reigns and anger stays. Life is never easy and sometimes it is overwhelming and frightening and hard to put one foot in front of the other. I am often in that place and have been for a few months now. It is not over, but it is better at least I feel better, I hope you do too. You offer us all so much, and you must I hope know how much you are appreciated. In my darkest hours, I have read your words and books, and it is then I realize we are none of us really alone. I thank you.
I love this: “someone somewhere should set up an awarding body for all those women ticking off their to-do’s instead of punching people in the face.” I wonder if it would be tactless to post that in my cubicle…
Hang in there, gorgeous. Often the hardest resets bring you to a place better than you’ve dared dream.