Good lord. Let us not speak of the fact that It is already the middle of February and I have been missing in domestic action since Christmas. One does tend to rather lose January in a fog of new bath oils, books and big ideas, and then emerge blinking like the molewe must be the minute the daffodils poke their darling little heads up in the borders of a garden made drab by a wet Winter.
I have always adored daffodils. And now as Spring shyly pops her head around the door, I have come to think of them as my Mum saying hello. Checking in. And I wonder what she would make of who we are now. Of Ste, who she never met. Of this house. Of the man that Finn now is, though I suspect he is exactly the man she always knew he would be.
And of Meep! Oh she would be appalled by Meep, the little black kitten who was our Christmas present to each other and who has us all besotted as he leaps from one knee to the next, playing favourites and playing ball as if he rather believes himself to be a puppy! My Mum hated cats. she was paralysed by fear at the very idea of them and I confess to never having been particularly tolerant of a fear I couldn’t fathom.
Tis a life long problem with yours truly: this inability to understand other people without projecting what I would do, or what I would feel in any given circumstance. I do not like myself for it, but I don’t suppose we reach the grand old, ludicrous, age of almost fifty, without becoming aware of that which isn’t particularly desirable in ourselves and resolving daily to do something about it now do we? But heck I find it difficult not to apply what I see as common sense, where others tell me there is only emotion.
For yes, I shall be fifty in a month or so and the need to swallow joy for breakfast has suddenly consumed me. It is urgent now, this need to live out loud.
And it is only when the days are no longer dark that I feel it: for in Winter I hibernate and the world may as well cease to exist. I can barely make conversation for wanting to do nothing other than simply be. To be left alone. Gathering up my thoughts like so many skirts, journaling, making lists, making plans and living on smoothies, soup, tray-bakes and crumbly oatcakes so that for as often as is politely possible I do not have to think about food as long as I am keeping us all stuffed with the kind of wellbeing I can sauté, roast and blend.
Suddenly though there is a kind of urgency in my head. And yet another shift – perhaps even closer to that I will one day be able to declare my most authentic self. An awakening of sorts: for my fiftieth birthday I have chosen not diamonds or a far flung holiday, but a course that will consume much of this year and at its end grant me with another string to my bow.
I have been listening hard, you see? Turning away from all the noise of the past few years and trying to hear my self think again. To pinpoint who I am NOW and who I want to become in the blessing that is middle-age. It would be easy to be swept up in Ste’s ongoing battle against depression and the drama that through little fault of his own Finn seems to consider everyday life, but it is in that which I, and so many women like me, lose themselves. And so I become still. Not hiding in the quilts, refusing to come out still, but still in my own head, seeking early bedtimes and quiet rooms. Books that offer wisdom and the gentle sense that is putting pen to paper,
And from this: quiet revelation. An OH! That’s the missing piece of the jigsaw! So a plan is born and a need to sweep the decks revived in me. A schedule for a truly, deep seasonal scrub is afoot and you can be sure I will soon found dancing something of a Hooley in celebration of the kind of clutter-busting sure to make me feel like anything is possible when there is a clean slate to be had! For a clean slate MUST be had now. It is almost Spring. Anything is possible!
Today then. A salmon and asparagus traybake compiled by Ste, waiting to make it into the oven. The house beautifully gloomy and Meep doing the assault course that is the living room furniture and only stopping to occasionally stand at Finley’s feet and cry as if he is quite unable to stop rioting and needs a little help to slow down. Oh how we love him.
Now. A late afternoon cup of tea and the tappety-tap of companionable typing, Ste and I sitting like a pair of bookends on the sofa, occasionally muttering to ourselves and drawing inquiry from the other that is quickly rebuffed with the frustrated “nothing” of people demented by technology. Later a new series of our current TV addiction, Couple’s Therapy and the joy of the conversation and the rather comical, but oh so fundamental disagreements each episode sparks, while Ste tickles my legs and laughs at me as I grow ever more frustrated by those on television who will not be helped (Mau, y’all??) and are curiously fascinating regardless.
All is well. And all shall we be well. And I shall be fifty this year. And Finn will go to university. And life is changing again, and now that I am almost half a century old I think I am finally understanding that it is only when life is changing, that it is doing what it should.
Create your own Brocante Life Book, plan Christmas, set up routines and rituals or live life the BrocanteHome way with my guided workbooks and planners.
The house is grumpy in the quiet hours of the morning. creaking and groaning in to life, and for a while apparently determined to make her reluctance to start the day known to those still sleeping. The gutter dripping outside the living…
It is March. And I am fifty. Two things that strike me as quite impossible for wasn’t it Christmas just yesterday. And surely I am just twenty-eight? Time, my sister tells me, doesn’t exist, so therefore yes, I declare myself under thirty…
There are words in this life no sane woman wants to hear. Namely, “I’m really sorry but I have dripped fish juice all the way from the kitchen to the front door and I haven’t got time to sort it out, sooooooo…
A glorious morning. We go for a walk hand in hand, kicking leaves and talking the troubles of the world over. There is a peace about us now. The kind of peace that only comes with quiet resolution and I suppose a…
Arggghhh rats! Blooming rats. A plague of them. Well at least two. Apparently disgruntled by the harvest in the field behind the house, or perhaps the building work on the barn before it. And clearly too rude to consult me and discuss…
Hello friends. How nice to be here talking to you again. I woke up this morning with the urge to write to you tingling in my fingertips and a person cannot be expected to resist a tingle now can a person, even…
6 Comments
50 is fabulous! I’m rounding the corner to 51, but it has been a good year, so far! Coincidentally, we happened on our “Covid Kitty” last year. Scooped her up off the road before she was squished, then named her Lucky. She’s part hunter, part prickly riot, but not a comfort animal! Cheers to your continued writing, and Happy early Birthday!🌸
Lovely to hear from you…we have not one but two half grown kittens now! Having lost an elderly cat and an elderly dog in the same year and finding a pet free home horribly empty we adopted two kittens from the stray cat and her feral beau who make their home in my brother in laws derelict garage. They are an absolute joy and are shamelessly doted on! Word to the wise though, get the little treasure insured…we delayed and in the space of two weeks had a hospital stay for potential ingestion of lilies (hideously toxic to cats) followed by an unrelated liver infection (fairly common in kittens). We were lucky enough to have savings enough to cover the treatment…who needs a holiday anyway when you’ve got two delicious cats to keep you busy!
I feel it too—that rising of the sap that is spring. A sudden curiosity about what is poking out of the ground in the garden. A sudden need to clean all the windows. And you are the first person I know to mention a similar infatuation with Couples Therapy. Mau is confounding! Brian and I have our theories about that particular couple. Going to therapy is one of their little couple entertainments—our dear doctor is something like their fifth therapist! We just started season two and a new set of duos and their own particular duo culture. It’s fascinating!
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":300,"top_media_type":"featured_image","featured_image_url":"http:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/tipjar-2.png","featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"BrocanteHome","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"BrocanteHome","form_subtitle":"Help Me to Keep BrocanteHome Online","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much: helping me keep Brocantehome online really means the world to me.","payment_confirmation_title":"BrocanteHome","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
50 is fabulous! I’m rounding the corner to 51, but it has been a good year, so far! Coincidentally, we happened on our “Covid Kitty” last year. Scooped her up off the road before she was squished, then named her Lucky. She’s part hunter, part prickly riot, but not a comfort animal! Cheers to your continued writing, and Happy early Birthday!🌸
Lovely to hear from you…we have not one but two half grown kittens now! Having lost an elderly cat and an elderly dog in the same year and finding a pet free home horribly empty we adopted two kittens from the stray cat and her feral beau who make their home in my brother in laws derelict garage. They are an absolute joy and are shamelessly doted on! Word to the wise though, get the little treasure insured…we delayed and in the space of two weeks had a hospital stay for potential ingestion of lilies (hideously toxic to cats) followed by an unrelated liver infection (fairly common in kittens). We were lucky enough to have savings enough to cover the treatment…who needs a holiday anyway when you’ve got two delicious cats to keep you busy!
A lovely post as always Alison! Happy, happy Birthday!!! My love and wishes to you for a blissful year ahead!! 🌼🌺🌼🌸🌼
I feel it too—that rising of the sap that is spring. A sudden curiosity about what is poking out of the ground in the garden. A sudden need to clean all the windows. And you are the first person I know to mention a similar infatuation with Couples Therapy. Mau is confounding! Brian and I have our theories about that particular couple. Going to therapy is one of their little couple entertainments—our dear doctor is something like their fifth therapist! We just started season two and a new set of duos and their own particular duo culture. It’s fascinating!
Our daffodils have begun to bloom and it makes me deliriously happy. 🙂
Spring is coming 😀