My Fifth Cousin Twice Removed.

By Alison June 21, 2007 18 Comments 2 Min Read


I fell over a pigeon the other day. Flat on my face in the middle of town. Trust me to come across the only pigeon in England who doesn’t move out of the way when he sees a lolloping great Vintage Housekeeper scurrying towards him. I fell. He flapped his wings in a crazy fashion in my face and a passing teenage boy nearly choked  laughing on his sausage roll.

I was all of a fluster. And in a fluster is a jolly good description of  my state of mind ever since…

Mine is a funny old life. This week there has been an interview with The Daily Mail. A photo  shoot in the house complete with afternoon tea, make up artists et al.  A child so sick I was scared to go to sleep. Two dates with two men. The plan of my book which has kept me awake at night with worry. A new culinary obsession with smoky bacon. And no time at all to read which leaves me feeling like I’m floundering in a big black hole desperate to see the light…

Day after day I sit in the coffee shop with the yummy mummies regaling them with stories of one more adventure in the madness that is my life and I constantly feel as though  I’m talking about someone else.  Was it really me leaning over a table full of lemon cupcakes smiling for a lovely photographer and feeling for half a minute or two like a filmstar? Was it me who opened that email asking me if I wanted to be on Tv? Am I the Mommy caked in professionally applied make-up, up to her eyes in vomit covered sheets?

And if I am, why don’t I recognise her? Why does she feel like my fifth cousin twice removed?

I used to feel authentic. And now I’m not sure that I do.

I was destined to fall over pigeons you see.



  1. Helen says:

    Please tell, when do I need to rush out and buy a copy of the Daily Mail?

  2. Sarah says:

    You don't do things by halves do you Mrs?!!!!!

  3. mimi says:

    Ahh, such is life! I once read that there are two people for each person, if that makes sense. There is the 'you' that you see- the vomity sheets, tripping over pigeons in your case, setting fire to cinnamon toast and being abducted by a customer on the way to work in mine- and the 'you' that other people see. The other day someone said to me that I radiate a kind of calm grace. Me? Calm? Grace?! Let's just say that it is an image I am glad I project, but I find hard to reconciliate with ME!
    Now onwards, Miss May! You cannot leave us like this! When is this going to be in the Daily Mail? What is this about tv?! Tell, tell, tell please!

  4. OohLaLaura says:

    Sooo glad you're up and about! How FABULOUS is that interview? Congratulations–keep us informed. I hope Fin is into clean, feeling-well sheets soon. You are a wonderful mother–hang in there! I can't wait to see your photo, please post it here!

  5. Oh Alison, you're so darling! I finished a book recently in which a farmers wife is overcome with a garden that's producing too much food & it's going to waste, too many cows to milk, too many children to feed and too much land to tend to. She sums it up with, "What good problems we have!" With the exception of the vomit, I think you'll look back on this as your season of good problems. Blessings…

  6. jen says:

    Sigh! I trip all the time for no good reason and have to pick myself up whilst looking for little rocks to blame- often in front of people. At least you have a pigeon to blame it on. I think this does indeed make you more glamourous. (delurking for this silly comment- I am here all the time tho:) )

  7. Grace says:

    I hope you are able to find your authenticity throughout these distractions.
    Maybe the pigeon was meant to bring you back to reality? Somewhere in there is balance I'm sure.

  8. Gayla says:

    Oh, honey, you've just been on overload, and the worst kind to feel much of anything at all… good, very good, scary, bad, very scary… all mixed together and shoved in your face simultaneously. You are always and forever authentic. Just we sometimes aren't too comfortable with what's going on. And yeah, we want a copy of the article and the photo posted right here for us US people who don't have a hope of getting the Daily Mail! Relax and be good you yourself! Poor little Finley. Is he okay? Hugs always.

  9. pinky says:

    Me too! I HATE ice lolly sticks!! That horrid, wood feeling on your tongue! Is he handsome?

  10. shar says:

    I hope sweet little Finn is better. A book in the works!!!
    How very exciting – congratulations on your new projects!!

  11. Amy says:

    oooh I've had days and thoughts like that too!

  12. I just found you! What incredible fun. Love your site and added it to my feed. Great, funny post. Thank you!

  13. Dawn says:

    Alison, you are so real. Wonderfully real. I think that's what is the amazing appeal about you. Funny, amusing and just real ~ we can all relate…I wish you so much success in all your new endeavors, and when it comes down to it, your a sweet mum wanting to find a special someone to love you and that precious boy…

  14. Terri Pollhein says:

    Oh you're real all right. The whole pigeon and vomit things rather proves it!
    Enjoy all these wonderful things happening to you! If you find, later, that you don't like it, just say "no more, thanks."
    Hoping poor Finn is feeling better!
    God bless.

  15. Isn't it funny how sometimes something as simple as tripping over a pigeon can make you reflect on your life. You just have to get back up again and then make pigeon stew…ewww

  16. Wow, fame and hopefully fortune. How exciting! You've worked hard and deserve it and I'd be guessing that once you adjust you'll still feel pretty real. And being a mummy will always bring one back to earth, I find.
    I've been meaning to write and thank you for your link to Mrs Washalot too. Thank you.

  17. Gill says:

    Just go with the flow Alison, you can always step back and say NO if you don't feel comfortable about doing anything. But I can't wait to see you in the Daily Mail! Stay true to yourself, the real you which comes across in your blog is what we all love about you.
    Hope Finn is feeling better.

  18. a reader says:

    Just be grateful for the good things that come your way, without finding a reason to whine and gripe about them. Don't mix every happiness with a complaint.

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