My Funny Valentine.

By alison February 14, 2007 19 Comments 3 Min Read

Funnyvalentine_1

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I’ll go and eat worms.

Well Darlings, apparently a worm feast won’t be necessary tonight. Somebody luuuurves me.

You see you ask the universe to throw you a life line and heckity pie doesn’t it just go and drop a red envelope through your door on Valentines Day, and thus provides you with a heart shaped mystery to see you through what could otherwise have been  a helluva night…

Valentines Day is I think one of the civilised worlds more thoughtless rituals, designed methinks to commercially measure just where you rate in the stakes of the great unloved. Me? I thought I was queuing up for a lifetime of over-obsessive mothering, a basket full of ready meals for one and those diddy little half bottles of rioja, you buy just in case the urge to offset sadness with  sozzledom takes over you once too often.

But alas no! I am, it seems, lining up with a gang of giggly schoolgirls lucky enough to receive cards they didn’t have to beg for, from unknown and no doubt, unworthy potential suitors…

Lordy what did I do to deserve this fresh hell?? This is surely a case for Shaggy and Scooby Doo. (Though please let it be hereby noted that the yappy little puppster that is  Scrappy Dappy Doo will not of course be invited to investigate a mystery of this magnitude…) 

The card itself is a silver and pink affair with the words "Did You Hurt Yourself When You Fell From Heaven?" emblazed loudly on the front and the poetry that is, "I think about you every day" scrawled inside.

Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven indeed! Why no whoever you are, I banged my head coming out the cannonball they used to shoot me up from hell…

I can’t stop giggling. Because here is a man who while wandering around the aisles of Marks and Spencers, no doubt filling his trolley with ten slice packs of lean danish ham, organic hummus on three for two and a rather delicious broccoli and tomato quiche was clearly suddenly inspired to drop a card on top of his over-priced smoked haddock, and think up the kind of thrilling little declaration only old William Shakespeare himself could have bettered. For little old me…

But before you get too excited please take on board that this isn’t a card sent from the kind of quarters that would send me rocketing to heaven. Trust me it ain’t. It is more likely to be from my Dad or my next door neighbour, my pervy postman or indeed a certain stalker who will hereby go by the name of Big Fred (Though the silly sod in his five 0’clock "I’m on my way home from work" call- i.e the one I never answer- left me a message apologising for the lack of valentines fuss!! Hmmm, the clever but very crazy concoction that is the double bluff??).

But golly gumdrops I couldn’t give a damn who sent it. I got a Valentines card on February 14th from a man whose socks I don’t have to wash. I’m stupidly delighted.

Somebody in this world thinks about me everyday…

Have a scrumptious Valentines night, Housekeepers…

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

19 Comments

  1. Amy says:

    As long as it's from your dad or someone nice I think it's sweet, hey at least you got one 🙂

  2. "fresh hell" You are KILLIN' me!

  3. Annette says:

    Thank you for the award, I`m honored! I showed my red shoes and some other silly memories from my childhood in one of the theme-weeks I`m joining. The theme was of course "Nostalgia". I used the shoes when I was about 3 years old, and I look forward to the day that my little princess (2 years in a week) can wear them. I write only in Norwegian in my blog, because my Engslish is not too god unfortunately. But I LOVE to visit your blog, you are an amazing writer! And the photos and pictures are all just lovely! I have no idea what the word scrumptiously means..but I guess its something nice….? Hehe! Lucky you with the valentine card!

  4. Annette says:

    Thank you for the award, I`m honored! I showed my red shoes and some other silly memories from my childhood in one of the theme-weeks I`m joining. The theme was of course "Nostalgia". I used the shoes when I was about 3 years old, and I look forward to the day that my little princess (2 years in a week) can wear them. I write only in Norwegian in my blog, because my Engslish is not too god unfortunately. But I LOVE to visit your blog, you are an amazing writer! And the photos and pictures are all just lovely! I have no idea what the word scrumptiously means..but I guess its something nice….? Hehe! Lucky you with the valentine card!

  5. Good Lord, how will you ever find out who sent it???? WOOOOOOW!!!! This is like junior high locker notes all over again, may this man be sweeter then cherry pie and wealthier then Donald Trump and kinder then your dearest grandparent.

  6. And a happy valentines to you as well
    Chamara

  7. Nancy says:

    Oh, Happy Hearts Day, Sweet Ali!
    Gotta' love secret admirers!!!
    Here's another little surprise for you…..
    My daughter attends a prestigious American University, ranked 18th in the nation. She is a senior English major and is studying Victorian English as one of her courses this term.
    An assignment she was given was to bring in a literature piece or site that she likes and "explain" it. Well, guess what? YOU are to be "discussed" tomorrow in senior Eng. Victorian Lit at Emory University in Atlanta, Ga!
    Yup, she found your link on my blog, she has started reading you and YOU are her pick, Dear One!
    How's it feel to be "analyzed" on this side of the ocean, eh?
    {{{Hugs to you and Fin!}}}
    p.s. She called me to get the appropriate enunciation of brocante.
    Like me, she initially "heard" it in a true southern way…bro-cahn-tee. Ha…I corrected her. 😉

  8. Nancy says:

    Oh, Happy Hearts Day, Sweet Ali!
    Gotta' love secret admirers!!!
    Here's another little surprise for you…..
    My daughter attends a prestigious American University, ranked 18th in the nation. She is a senior English major and is studying Victorian English as one of her courses this term.
    An assignment she was given was to bring in a literature piece or site that she likes and "explain" it. Well, guess what? YOU are to be "discussed" tomorrow in senior Eng. Victorian Lit at Emory University in Atlanta, Ga!
    Yup, she found your link on my blog, she has started reading you and YOU are her pick, Dear One!
    How's it feel to be "analyzed" on this side of the ocean, eh?
    {{{Hugs to you and Fin!}}}
    p.s. She called me to get the appropriate enunciation of brocante.
    Like me, she initially "heard" it in a true southern way…bro-cahn-tee. Ha…I corrected her. 😉

  9. Marianne says:

    Happy Valentine's Day, dear. LOL…my first thought (sorry) was that it might be your pervy postman! Who cares…enjoy!

  10. June says:

    What fun–to receive a mysterious Valentine's card! Your recounting of it made me laugh. Nevermind who sent it, I'm glad you got it.

  11. June says:

    What fun–to receive a mysterious Valentine's card! Your recounting of it made me laugh. Nevermind who sent it, I'm glad you got it.

  12. Carlie says:

    Live it up! I got a secret admirer note once, only to find out years later that it was from my best friend who thought I knew it was a joke she played!

  13. Carlie says:

    Live it up! I got a secret admirer note once, only to find out years later that it was from my best friend who thought I knew it was a joke she played!

  14. Alyssa says:

    Hi All, After reading this blog for a number of months, I'm beginning to see a pattern. Alison, do you realize you seem to be defining your entire existence by "having someone". A man of your own – and then you will be happy. Other people don't bring happiness, you bring your own happiness. To expect others to make you happy is unfair to them and setting yourself up for heartache. We are in charge of our feelings – no one makes us unhappy – we allow them to. At least from what you write (what else can I go by) your life is defined by the males in it – your father, your long-time partner, your son, the obsessed man, the weird postman etc., etc. You have your women friends but they don't take on the importance of the males in your writing. I also sense that you are rather enjoy this "tragic heroine" role you've taken on. Be careful it can become a life-long role. Before everyone jumps to your rescue saying I don't know what I'm talking about etc. I say, yes, I've been through abandonment and heartache but what saved me from the "tragic heroine" role was going to a good counselor and moving on. Alison, you sound quite depressed and no amount of house cleaning, or "puttery treats" is going to help – as you now see. Anyone who spends huge amounts of time in bed or longs to be there is depressed and needs a little bit of professional help. It really does work. One last thing before I am labeled "unfeeling" (which I am not) or "rude" (actually I'm quite polite) is that children can sense when adults are down and when things aren't quite right. Your depression is bad for you and your little one. I hope you can take a giant step by getting some help and make some positive changes in you situation. My best, Alyssa

  15. Karla says:

    How fun – as long as it's not from the creepy milkman!

  16. Karla says:

    How fun – as long as it's not from the creepy milkman!

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