Naughty Milkman

By Alison February 21, 2017 10 Comments 2 Min Read

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you declare your intention to be a milkman growing up, you will be packed off to naughty school faster than you can deliver a pint of semi-skimmed. Oh yes. Milkmen are naughty. Loose cannons with loose mouths and the general demeanor of “heckity pie, I’m round the bend and do not give a damn“.
The last one I employed to have bring fresh milk in lovely glass bottles daily, took the opportunity while I was paying him to reach out a hand and ask if he could touch my hair. Because apparently he just couldn’t resist. Well excuse me, but no. Touching me on my own doorstep just will not do Mr. Milkman.
So I cancelled him. And went back to many years of supermarket milk. And then we moved here and a new milkman came a knocking, a tiny cheeky little chappy in his sixties who didn’t look like he was going to be any trouble at all, and he said why yes, of course I do skimmed milk in glass bottles and and arrangement was made to have one pint delivered daily  and two at weekends and my tea tasted lovely again and I was awfully happy shuffling out to fetch the milk in my dressing gown each morning, scaring passing lorry drivers and pigeons alike, and then it all went wrong.
The milkman couldn’t hold his naughtiness in.
The other day he knocked and I answered in a floral pinny, and he took one look at me and boomed in a voice much bigger than his person, YOU LOVE THIS HOUSE DON’T YOU?
And while this struck me as a rather random statement from a stranger, I nodded and agreed that yes, I do love this house and paid him £12.50 and waited for him to stop writing whatever milkmen write in their little leather books and go away, and when he didn’t I shuffled awkwardly and fiddled about in the pocket of my apron where bizarrely I seemed to be storing a selection of conkers, and then he looked up and boomed “NOW TELL ME DO YOU RENT OR HAVE YOU BOUGHT IT?”
And I felt mildly appalled and muttered I rent it, and he shouted “BLOODY STUPID! – A WASTE OF BLOODY MONEY! I DO HOPE YOU HAVE GOT MONEY PUT AWAY. YOU HAVE GOT MONEY PUT AWAY HAVEN’T YOU?”
And for a moment I stood there debating explaining myself. The reasons why I sold my lovely little house and the thought process behind renting at this stage in my life, when it struck me that it had nothing at all to do with the little toad standing in front of me and I went to say goodbye, but sadly he wasn’t finished. No Siree! He wanted to clinch the cancellation of his service right there and then!
Oh my word. Tears popped in to my eyes. I considered giving his face a good shake.  And instead I said thank-you with something pretending to be a weepy kind of dignity and shut the door, determined to both spike the tyres of his noisy milk wagon and buy my milk in Tesco.
Because frankly, right now, I do believe I would have preferred it if he had asked to grope my hair.  


  1. Lynn Dirk says:

    WTH!? What a clod!I think at this point I’d be weaning myself off the milk and spike my coffee with whiskey and eat my cereal with…well…dry. Did you know you can freeze milk? Pour a bit out for expansion and shake well once it’s thawed. Buy it in bulk and push that milkman to the curb!

  2. Elaine P says:

    Charitably, your Milko could be somewhat deaf (SHOUTY) and socially-challenged or unused to chitchat (amazing how many people just can’t do everyday pleasantries). Also some chaps are intimidated by women/are shy, bless – and it often comes across as rather abrupt/rude (think Mr Darcy). I couldn’t be doing with the hair-patting thing though.

  3. Nic Tuxford says:

    Wow, what a monkey. I use supermarket milk, never had much luck with milk delivery. Either gets “borrowed” by school kids or spoils in the early sunlight. And there is nothing wrong with either renting or being a single mother.
    Live the way you choose without causing others pain and you are a ray of sunshine in my eyes.

  4. Ali Harriman says:

    I’m certainly not excusing his rudeness, but I can’t help but wonder who is other customers are and do they get this sort of unasked for conversation.
    So I take it you are now back to supermarket milk? I do sympathise with your desire to have home delivery. Its so comforting, isn’t it. To know you will have fresh milk available (and other groceries too if the last milk delivery service I had is anything to go by). One less thing to have to drag yourself out of the house for when you least feel like it. Frankly I’m surprised milkmen still exist.
    Hope you are feeling better too by the way.

  5. Patti says:

    It never ceases to amaze me the lack of filter some people have. They just spout off whatever enters their mind, never pausing to consider that what they are thinking is best left unsaid. I mean, everything that enters the mind isn’t worthy of being spoken!
    I’m so sorry you were hurt by the man’s rudeness and lack of tact. There are many ways to live a life, and renting a home and being a single mom are certainly acceptable ways of doing so.

  6. annemarie says:

    Oh my. You know, after the first couple sentences, I thought, “You have milkmen? I am so moving to the UK,” but…but…oh my. Words fail.
    Hope you’re feeling better otherwise.

  7. dawn gilmore says:

    WTH? He’s off his rocker! Alison, you need to find a milk delivery that mails you the bill so you don’t ever have to interact with a milkman ever again.

  8. Carol-Anne Powell says:

    What the heck??? What a bizarre exchange.

  9. Annene says:

    It seems to me, he is socially challenged. I know several people with mild autism and they ask awkward questions and put forth their opinions forcefully. It’s very startling when you are not expecting it.

  10. Koma H Murray says:

    OH for criminey’s sake, Alison! What a rude and insufferable man! I think that I agree with Lynn and would consider other options (a bit more fun, too~ hey?)…sheesh…I am rather appalled. But I must say, your hair is looking pretty wonderful these days! Your picture posted a bit ago, was beautiful!

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