Of Mice and Men.

By alison January 10, 2007 14 Comments 3 Min Read

Guns

Oh people I’m in purgatory. I’ve been terribly busy pretending all is well, when in all honesty I am living with the enemy, dealing with daft men and their daft neurosises on a daily basis, and retiring to my bedroom every night at seven thirty because I’m too scared to stay downstairs in case that cheeky little mouse decides to join me watching Coronation Street.

The damn mice won’t die. Mark told me off for buying a new hoover. I spend my life terrified that the slightest little noise in the deep dark dead of the night is the sound of a field mouse getting into bed with me.  I’ve got three huge spots on my chin, a hole in the kitchen lino, and a heart ineffectually bandaged and liable to break at any given moment. I am not a happy sausage and you know what? I’m worn out with being worn out.

So enough already.

I opened my eyes this morning and found myself staring at the card from the flowers Scott sent a while back, tucked oh so carefully into my venetian mirror. I looked across the room and saw the book Mark bought me for Valentines day last year- "Infidelity For First Time Fathers." (Oh how could I have been so blind!!) sitting on the shelf. The file full of half finished short stories and poems I’ve never got around to doing anything with. The mobile phone stuffed with a hundred text messages I don’t want to read again. I saw these things and it struck me that actually I don’t have to live with these reminders of things I am not on a daily basis. I don’t have to. I really don’t.

I am  all  about holding precious memories dear. About piles of ribbon tied letters, and scrumptious mementoes of happier times. I like having reminders of who I was and how I came to be who I am scattered on every surface of my room. Of  providing Finley with the story of his life, carefully documented. I like the box full of air  mail letters from my  Gulf  War romance with a soldier.  The basket full of mementoes from the early days of our relationship, Mark so thoughtfully stored and failed to take with him when he left. I adore the powder blue gingham boxes on top of Finn’s wardrobe, with tissue wrapped teeny tiny baby clothes in and photos taken in the moments after he was born. All these things are mine. Happy little memories I will always cherish.

But I see nothing wrong with disposing of the things that cause tiny stabs of sorrow or regret as I go about my day. I climbed out of bed and dropped the flower card into the bin. Because I can’t think straight when I look at it.  Took Marks old sweatshirt out of my wardrobe and put it on the charity shop pile. Carried that book out to the bin and deleted every text message stored on my phone.

It felt good in a very terrible way and I dare you to do it for yourself. Chuck out the kind of memories bashing your heart in and start all over again.

Some memories hold you back you see. Prevent you moving on. And lets face it we are not living, if life isn’t, at least to some degree, moving on…

Now if only the goddamn mice would take the hint.
 

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14 Comments

  1. Barbie says:

    Good Girl! Takes time to move on but you have made your first step back to the old you…..WELL DONE.XXX

  2. Gena says:

    You are doing ok! really you are, you are so positive, and you know this year belongs to you, do with it as you wish, make it a really good one, as for the mouse? I had a wee beastie in the kitchen once and I rang the pest control dept at the local council,and a man came out and got rid.Oh, and i hope your hoover is a super duper highly expensive turbo model.Sod the expense.xx

  3. Kim says:

    Good for you! Its important to keep the precious memories, but the stuff that weighs you down?–chuck it!

  4. Nonnie says:

    Good for you Alison. Well done! It is fine to keep hold of all the good memories but keeping bad ones is definitely a bad idea. I think you will feel much lighter now those things are gone. It's very brave of you and I think it will be worth it.
    Just one question? What's it got to do with Mark if you're buying a new hoover? Maybe it's powerful enough to suck him up into the bag and then you could throw him away too!
    I'm sure the mice will go away soon. They obviously love your lovely vintage home.

  5. Meredith says:

    Mark should BUY YOU a new HOOVER for all the crap he put you through. Burn his sweatshirt. And then vacuum up the ashes.
    Tee hee hee…

  6. Karla says:

    My own life has had some of those momentos and torturous reminders of my failures. As I've slowly allowed myself to rid of them- there is a freedom that comes after the initial shock.
    Thanks for reminding me to keep searching – to keep letting go of the things that don't bring happiness, but only pain.

  7. pinky says:

    Dear Alison, my heart goes out to you at this moment.My very own Mark,the love of my life, has just a few days before xmas admitted he felt stifled and has suggested we spend time apart to "see if he misses me."
    I am absolutely devastated and don`t know if I`m coming or going.
    He says he misses the old me! What is it with these blokes?
    Keep your pecker up old girl, I`m rooting for you through the tears.
    xxxxx

  8. lazy h says:

    Oh Pinky, how hurtful and difficult for you. I really hope that things work out for the best.

  9. clare says:

    Hi Alison,
    I love your blog. He should pay for the hoover. When my family moved across the country, from Arizona to Chicago, I shredded two enourmous bins of "stuff" and it made me feel free. I purged everything that didn't give me warm memories. It is hard enough to forget the bad ones. Good Luck.

  10. mum says:

    Oh Baby,you're on the way up now, this post proves that.the mice will go I promise, with the help of your Dad and a couple of traps! As for Scott and Mark neither of them ever deserved you in the first place and now your life can only get better. Nite Nite xx

  11. Cherished says:

    Hi Alison
    My dear da said that the mouse that almost jumped on me when I disturbed it's harem in our workshop is a most heroic soul. After all, he makes the long trek from the creek, through the workshop (where he slumbers) ~ right to the front of the garden where he snacks on seeds, selflessly dropped by our pet cockatoo!
    Hmmmph! I don't think so…
    Mr Time is a great healer, darling. Chin chin,
    Love,
    Cherished

  12. cmhl says:

    GOOD for you!!!!!!
    I did something similar, I had a bunch of photos, etc from an old love. I wrote to him, asking if it was ok to send them back– he responded that he was hurt I wouldn't want to keep them (ugh). Just this week, I put them in the bin to be shredded.
    I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted.

  13. So, Mark, after lying, cheating and breaking up your home thinks he has the right to criticize you for buying a new vacuum? How did you stop yourself from beating him to death with it???
    I think you're smart to get rid of those things that prick your poor heart….it's been through enough.
    Have faith, love, things will get better!
    God bless!
    Terri

  14. Danielle says:

    Ooh, I just read a great book on this kind of thing. You should read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, that is of course if you haven't already. It's really had an effect on me.

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