Before Finley was born, Mark and I called my bump, LilyFinn. Lily for a girl and Finley for a boy. But from the minute my pregnancy was confirmed I was convinced I was having a girl for a long list of retrospectively, stupid reasons – I’m a girly girl so there was no way I could possibly give birth to a boy, and aside from that Gabriel was the bestest little boy in the whole wide world and I didn’t want a son of my own to have to compete…
At twenty weeks we went for our scan. Before we had even been asked whether we wanted to know the sex of our child, the radiographer told her collegue: "Theres the heart, there’s the lungs and there’s his little prick". I was absolutely gobsmacked!!! How totally inappropriate and inconsiderate can you be? But after the shock, came total and absolute disappointment…
I do know that it isn’t the done thing to wish for one sex or the other. That the standard answer to "Do you want a boy or a girl" is "I don’t mind as long as it is healthy". I know that. But I didn’t say it. I wanted a girl with every inch of my being. I wanted a daughter, and more than that I wanted the kind of relationship I have with my Mum. I wanted a girl who felt about me, the way I do about my Mum. I wanted to be loved like that.
I don’t know how to put into words what it is to be a daughter of a woman like my Mum. I know now what is to be a Mother, but I am still struggling to understand the bond that exist’s within the complex and fragile relationship between a Mother and her daughter. I don’t know what it is to be a daughter above and beyond the fact that it is astonishing to be blessed enough to walk in the footsteps of an incredible woman.
It is no secret in our house that I am A Daddy’s girl. I look like him, think like him, even have his nose (according to my Dad!!). But I am her Daughter, and it is her strength, her precarious, fragile strength that runs through my veins. It is her I want to be when I grow up.
She is the kind of woman other women always wanted to be. She is and always has been shockingly beautiful, though at the age of fifty five, she is only just beginning to realise it. But I don’t think that it matters. Her life has been what it has, she is the person she is because she didn’t know it.
Look at her now: see how her hands are always moving- containing the nerves others who don’t know her, would never imagine are there. She is complicated and delicate and occasionally, I rightfully feel that I hardly know her at all, and I think that this is what being a daughter is about. Not friendship. Nor admiration. But a love so fierce for a woman you can never really know, at least not in the way you are given the opportunity to know every other woman you will ever meet.
Part of me thinks that my Lily is still out there somewhere. But I will never meet her. She is a possibility now passed, and if we are blessed with a little girl in the future, she won’t be called Lily. The day of the scan, I went straight to Mum’s house and cried for hours in my her arms. Although I was all grown up, and carrying a child of my own, I was for a moment, a little girl again, seeking the kind of reassurance only a Mother can provide. Five month’s later, it is my Mums face I remember as she rushed down the hosital corridor to meet her newly born grandson, and the photograph I treasure most, a close up of Finley, just one hour old, with my hand gripping his and my Mum’s gripping mine. I am her. She is me.
Create your own Brocante Life Book, plan Christmas, set up routines and rituals or live life the BrocanteHome way with my guided workbooks and planners.
So I haven’t managaed to decorate a tree to die for yet, buy presents for every kid I know or swing paper ribbns from the chandeliers . But day by day, Casa Brocante has started revealing tiny little glimpses of festivity… There…
Alright my little Munchkins, ready to meet the second of my wonderful guest bloggers? A Thrifty Mrs will be well known to many of you so I am delighted to have the honour of her committent to bringing her scrumptiously thrifty ideas…
I am making it a policy to buy myself something beautiful once a month and if that means I have to live without food then so be it- it’s time I got back on a diet anyway… This month I am coveting…
Though one would imagine that raising a gluten free child makes life rather impossible, once you get into the swing of things it is really very manageable. Since Finley was diagnosed at the age of eighteen months we have as a family…
Today hasn’t been a good day. Finley has vomited in spectacular style, the house smells like nothing I can explain and I am doing my level best to feel abundant and count my blessings, when quite frankly I smell of sick and…
The eminent writer William Faulkner once said that trying to be better than our contemporaries was a fruitless act and that the real competition lies in trying to be better than ourselves, and so my Darlings, this then is our mission: to…
5 Comments
How totally sweet and wonderful. Happy Birthday to Alison's mother! How clever to have Finley so close to her big day, as well. Celebrate! Today, the 5th, is Gerred's big day. No Batmans for us this year, although I did stick in matchbox car wrapping paper!!! He's never going to be too old for that.
How appropriate this post is for me right now. I have just discovered I am expecting my third son, and while I know I will love him just as much as my first two sons, I am experiencing that utter devastation you described for a third heart-breaking time. Unlike you, my relationship with my mum is all but non-existant. Remnants of that love and adoration for her remain but her choices in life have left me feeling cold and unimportant. Maybe the reason I crave a daughter so is that I want to put things right. I want to nurture a little girl and be her best friend. I want to braid her hair and make her dolls and help her plan her wedding one day. I want to support her when she finds a wonderful man and gives life to her children. I want to do all the things my mum is not doing for me. I want to be there unconditionally and never let her feel she is second best to anything. I will do this for my sons, but my dream of a daughter will never go away.
You know, I grew up an only child of an only child (girls, girls, girls). My mother's favorite story was how she had all little dresses for me when I was on the way and only one little boy's outfit. I thought I might want a girl since I was in the company of such lineage and had very little experience with little boys at all. Not even cousins, actually. Gerred sometimes accuses me of wishing for a daughter. Instead of a daughter, (and I'm not at all knocking any of the beautiful relationships you have with yours. I have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship and most of my friends have the same), I have the one son. And there is nothing in this world that I would trade about that for a daughter. I love the coarse little yahoo a boy gives, the curt little kisses aimed at your elbow or shoulder… the braggart way they show off their little scrapes, the husky tremor in their little voices when they declare they certainly are NOT afraid of that spider… the way they later aren't afraid of even an errant BAT in the house while their mom screams and goes into absolute hysteria…. the idiotic way they primp for thirty minutes and then throw off those clothes and wear something stinky and atrocious and give their hair a final tousle as if to scream, "LOVE me just the way I am!" And the way they cry when their girl dumps them at 18… I was nursed in the hospital after my caesarean (which went awry and turned into a 30 day ordealin a big hospital 60 miles from home) by a beautiful African American nurse. She had eleven ELEVEN ELEVEN!!! boys. She laughed with such delight as she told me she had cried after boy number 5 and number 9 and then decided to feel as blessed as she really was. I understand all wishes and dreams for the pretty dollies and dresses, but for me I am 192 percent Batman or Skeletor or Gobot or Transformer.
And Danielle and Alison, I hope you have your little girls someday. Your wishes and dreams sound beautiful and I know you are awesome mommies to your sons and will be to little daughters you'll have someday. I just wish everyone to have exactly what they are called to have… I understand… I was just saying I feel called to have the boy! haha.. Please don't take that last LONG post the wrong way!
As the mother of THREE girls I love this post …I reacted the same way when I was told #3 was ANOTHER girl. My husband and I both agreed this would be the last child, Boy or not. I did the same thing when I came back from my ultrasound…cried to my Mom. Now we laugh when we talk about how silly I acted that day because I couldn't picture my life without that sweet little cherub. I chalk it up to hormones but inside I will always yearn for the son I never had.
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":300,"top_media_type":"featured_image","featured_image_url":"http:\/\/brocantehome.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/03\/tipjar-2.png","featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"BrocanteHome","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"BrocanteHome","form_subtitle":"Help Me to Keep BrocanteHome Online","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much: helping me keep Brocantehome online really means the world to me.","payment_confirmation_title":"BrocanteHome","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
How totally sweet and wonderful. Happy Birthday to Alison's mother! How clever to have Finley so close to her big day, as well. Celebrate! Today, the 5th, is Gerred's big day. No Batmans for us this year, although I did stick in matchbox car wrapping paper!!! He's never going to be too old for that.
How appropriate this post is for me right now. I have just discovered I am expecting my third son, and while I know I will love him just as much as my first two sons, I am experiencing that utter devastation you described for a third heart-breaking time. Unlike you, my relationship with my mum is all but non-existant. Remnants of that love and adoration for her remain but her choices in life have left me feeling cold and unimportant. Maybe the reason I crave a daughter so is that I want to put things right. I want to nurture a little girl and be her best friend. I want to braid her hair and make her dolls and help her plan her wedding one day. I want to support her when she finds a wonderful man and gives life to her children. I want to do all the things my mum is not doing for me. I want to be there unconditionally and never let her feel she is second best to anything. I will do this for my sons, but my dream of a daughter will never go away.
You know, I grew up an only child of an only child (girls, girls, girls). My mother's favorite story was how she had all little dresses for me when I was on the way and only one little boy's outfit. I thought I might want a girl since I was in the company of such lineage and had very little experience with little boys at all. Not even cousins, actually. Gerred sometimes accuses me of wishing for a daughter. Instead of a daughter, (and I'm not at all knocking any of the beautiful relationships you have with yours. I have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship and most of my friends have the same), I have the one son. And there is nothing in this world that I would trade about that for a daughter. I love the coarse little yahoo a boy gives, the curt little kisses aimed at your elbow or shoulder… the braggart way they show off their little scrapes, the husky tremor in their little voices when they declare they certainly are NOT afraid of that spider… the way they later aren't afraid of even an errant BAT in the house while their mom screams and goes into absolute hysteria…. the idiotic way they primp for thirty minutes and then throw off those clothes and wear something stinky and atrocious and give their hair a final tousle as if to scream, "LOVE me just the way I am!" And the way they cry when their girl dumps them at 18… I was nursed in the hospital after my caesarean (which went awry and turned into a 30 day ordealin a big hospital 60 miles from home) by a beautiful African American nurse. She had eleven ELEVEN ELEVEN!!! boys. She laughed with such delight as she told me she had cried after boy number 5 and number 9 and then decided to feel as blessed as she really was. I understand all wishes and dreams for the pretty dollies and dresses, but for me I am 192 percent Batman or Skeletor or Gobot or Transformer.
And Danielle and Alison, I hope you have your little girls someday. Your wishes and dreams sound beautiful and I know you are awesome mommies to your sons and will be to little daughters you'll have someday. I just wish everyone to have exactly what they are called to have… I understand… I was just saying I feel called to have the boy! haha.. Please don't take that last LONG post the wrong way!
As the mother of THREE girls I love this post …I reacted the same way when I was told #3 was ANOTHER girl. My husband and I both agreed this would be the last child, Boy or not. I did the same thing when I came back from my ultrasound…cried to my Mom. Now we laugh when we talk about how silly I acted that day because I couldn't picture my life without that sweet little cherub. I chalk it up to hormones but inside I will always yearn for the son I never had.