Oh? Did I forget to mention we are on Tv tomorrow night?
The horror of it. I mean really, the horror of it. So I wasn’t going to tell you.
You see,I am strangely embarassed. I’m worried about what Mark said to the cameras when the crew locked me in the kitchen. I am worried that you are going to think I am a sandwich short of a picnic in real life. I am worried that you think I am one person and I will turn out to be a whole other kettle of fish. I am worried that the programme will have been edited to put a saucy slant on the whole thing (It is called "The Secret Life of Surburbia" after all- and trust me, they didn’t tell me that before I sighned up!). I am worried about coming across as neurotic. Or nuts.
So before you British people see me, I want to set a few facts straight, so you aren’t too shocked.
1. I bite my nails. I know. I’m disgusting.
2. On the day the programme was filmed I had spent the previous two weeks in hospital with Finn and I wasn’t really with it, if you know what I mean. We didn’t know what was the matter with him and he wouldn’t eat so I may be seen trying to force feed him a range of strange foods. Forgive me, I was worried.
3. I put a hideous black top on, and tied these stringy things it has, at the front, when they are supposed to tie at the back. And I didn’t notice until the camera crew had gone home.
4. I have an unfeasibly large bottom. There. I have said it.
5. The kitchen was a mess on the day of filming, due to the fact that we had had a leak and Mark had took the floor up, dismantled the kitchen and failed to put it back together again. Which is why the worktop is sitting away from the wall. And the tiles aren’t finished. And there is hideous, hideous, hideous lino on the floor.
6. I had forgotten to pick up all my bedding from the ironing shop (remember I was demented!), and thus am seen tying a bizarre brown ribbon round a manky old pillowcase.
7. Mark and I were rubbish at making fake small talk, so you will hear us talking nonsense to each other.
So now you know. I’ve made all the excuses I need to. However. More important than all of that is this:
Enjoy- and feel free to laugh at me and my obsession with pink bin bags.
The Secret life of Suburbia. Sky One. Thursday 8th December. 8.00pm.
P.S: if anybody is interested and I am not too mortified, I plan on sending a video of the programme on a kind of round robin of my subscribers, so let me know if you want to see it…