And so another week whispers by. You are seven days older and a bit of you has floated away. You know this is true because now you live outside yourself.
You watch your hands fluttering across the waxy handsome face of your dead uncle, only just resisting the urge to drag away the net, the satin and all the other accroutements of death, then straighten his pale blue tie, and pin the smile he’s taken with him back onto his face. But there is another you sitting across the room, cold as ice, watching and feeling nothing. Seeing the tears and planning a holiday. Staring at the torn hem of her funeral garb in quiet wonder. How did that
happen? Are fishnet popsocks tarty? Is there a biscuit in her
Anything but this.
Anything but the man sitting on your sofa, eating more roast chicken and failing to give you sufficient reason not to not want him. Sensing your indifference and begging you for more. Anything but a fridge full of food you will consume and fail to taste. The little boy who talks at you twenty four hours a day. Your mums overwhelming, all-consuming sadness. Anything but the trashy tv you can’t resist. Warring prostitutes at each others throats and celebrities cutting hair. The pile of books you just can’t read.
Anything but this.
But you are sensible. She who looks on sees the nothingness and tells you, this too will pass. This is to merely be endured as you go through the motions of motherhood and monotony, hope and sorrow. She offers you coffee cake scattered with walnuts and a friend who makes you laugh till you splutter in a star sprinkled coffee shop. She gives you piles of red trimmed notepaper and whispers write and plays music you’ve long forgotten and screams dance! She reminds you to wipe away the debris at your door, brush up the leaves and answer the phone. She neither tolerates self pity nor chastises you for it, but asks you instead to be.
So you do. You write and you giggle and you kiss and you order cinnamon latte instead of hot chocolate and life goes on and days go by and she, who isn’t as cold as ice, but cotton wool around your soul, holds your hand and reminds you to live each day in spite of yourself.
In spite of yourself. Because life is what you are for m’lady. Like it or not, life is what you are for.
The Brocante Round-Up! 
The Brocante Round-Up! 
The Autumn House 
Notes From Isolation
A beautiful, moving post. Thank you.
A beautiful, moving post. Thank you.
Hold on Alison, it will pass. Embrace the loss, identify the pain…then let it go.
Rhonda
Hold on Alison, it will pass. Embrace the loss, identify the pain…then let it go.
Rhonda
Oh dear Alison, grief is the hardest thing. Life is what you are for but its ok that you are feeling sad for the loss of your Uncle. It will pass. Sending you virtual hugs. ((((()))))) x
My prayer when I am in the depths of despair is, "Lord, don't let me die before I am dead", because, as you said, life is what we are here for. Gentle thoughts to you during this difficult time…
Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel.
You will be okay.
Allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel.
You will be okay.
I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I will pray for you.
Dear Alison, I've read your Brocante Chronicles for so long and have loved it! I've never posted any replies, but just couldn't let this one slip by. I do know what you are feeling; grief truly can be engulfing. I lost my beloved Dad recently and the loss can seem overwhelming some days. What I found to help me most and bring me the most peace and comfort was praying for just that, not only for my mom and family, but also for myself, and above all to remember to thank God for all that is good in our lives… even the littlest of things. It causes you to delve deep and be thankful for just everything, from the big things like the good health of my children, a fulfilling marriage, comfortable life, etc. to the smallest of things like how pretty the soft blue sky is today and that another perfect rose bloomed this morning! These prayers do help and though the feelings of loss don't go away, the days will become sunnier and easier. Do allow yourself the crying jags and the natural grieving process and then, be oh so thankful, that although we do suffer losses, it is just as you said… Life IS what we are for. Loads of love and prayers to you, your Mom and that sweet, sweet little guy of yours, Finley!!
You see ? You're not alone… we are thinking of you and praying for you. It will pass.
One day at a time Alison,thats all you can do, get up out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, there is simply nothing else for it,you and yours are in my thoughts.xxxxx
One day at a time Alison,thats all you can do, get up out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, there is simply nothing else for it,you and yours are in my thoughts.xxxxx
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers Alison, this will pass, we are all thinking of you, you will get through this, it is hard, I know, but you will get through.
God Bless You Alison.
I just found your lovely site a few days ago. It was like coming home after a long vaction. So warm and welcoming. In case you can't tell I love your beautiful pages and witty writing. I am so sorry you lost a loved one. I too know this pain. It does get better with time but really you never stop missing them. Know I am sending warm thoughts your way.
I just found your lovely site a few days ago. It was like coming home after a long vaction. So warm and welcoming. In case you can't tell I love your beautiful pages and witty writing. I am so sorry you lost a loved one. I too know this pain. It does get better with time but really you never stop missing them. Know I am sending warm thoughts your way.
Alison, your blog is lovely and at times a sanctuary of sorts for me to escape to in a harsh world. Your words ring so true-Life is what you are for. Life is what we are all for. Thank you for reminding me of that, even as you grieve your loved one. Blessings to you and yours. Tracey
Yes – I think it's particularly true when you have a writer's eye – there is always a part of yourself watching the rest of yourself. Watching how you react, watching what you're thinking, watching you're thinking you *should* be thinking. It helps. It's a buffer – as you say, cotton wool around your soul. It's not cold, sometimes it's the only way to live in this life.
Thinking of you.
Hang tight! We're here, we love you…you can do this! You're in our thoughts and prayers.
I so hate to see someone I care about so much feeling like this… Hold on, it will get better… You are in my thoughts and prayers…
I so hate to see someone I care about so much feeling like this… Hold on, it will get better… You are in my thoughts and prayers…
Sometimes life just stinks, doesn't it?! It will get better. It will be okay. Everything will work out. Repeat after me…
Sometimes life just stinks, doesn't it?! It will get better. It will be okay. Everything will work out. Repeat after me…
Kind of a surreal experience, this knowing your life is technically "over" as you knew it… knowing if you stop to believe this, you will never come back…. knowing people depend on you not to do this… even YOU depend on you not to… They say this will pass, but not really… That which doesn't kill us changes us completely… and so it goes….
I hope that your memories will bring you comfort. Bless you Alison.
I hope that your memories will bring you comfort. Bless you Alison.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I've been there.
One day at a time will bring you thru this.
So beautifully written…
May peace and joy be yours soon.
My deepest condolences to you sweet Allison! Let she who isn't cold as ice keep you wrapped in her small semblances of comfort till you're good and ready to emerge from the cocoon. This post is one of your most poignantly, heart wrenchingly melancholy beautiful dear heart! Prayers to you and yours. xoxo
My deepest condolences to you sweet Allison! Let she who isn't cold as ice keep you wrapped in her small semblances of comfort till you're good and ready to emerge from the cocoon. This post is one of your most poignantly, heart wrenchingly melancholy beautiful dear heart! Prayers to you and yours. xoxo
Another beautiful post….
You'll get through it sweetheart, it will just take time xxx
Alison
What can we say bar "life is pants" however there are so many people who will be here for you, let us know and we will help you through this.
K
I am so sorry. You bring back some sad and surreal memories Alison, but still you inspire me. I had never thought to get out of bed and keep on keeping on at times like these. You have such strength, much to admire.
I am so sorry. You bring back some sad and surreal memories Alison, but still you inspire me. I had never thought to get out of bed and keep on keeping on at times like these. You have such strength, much to admire.
What a wonderfully honest post. I'm so glad you have a friend like that – we all need someone who loves us enough to help pull us out of the pit of despair and sadness.