Taking Stock.

By alison November 23, 2006 10 Comments 2 Min Read



Happy2
Isn’t it just scandalous when life gets in the way of blogging?
Last week I was on a roll- blogging past myself, doo-lally and delighted by both maelstrom and merriment.
Gleeful with who knows what?
So I started cleaning. Tearing off  loose covers and pulling down blinds. Swiping the skirting boards and re-arranging tangled fairy lights. Three days of hectic scrubbing, and cleaning and fixing and setting the dishwasher on fire (Yes, really. How many fires can one woman have in the space of twelve months?). Three days of  misery from Mark because she who has no name dumped him and he, in his infinite wisdom decided that my freshly scrubbed twinkly pretty house was the only place he could bear to be. Three days of utter gloom dithering about whether not wanting him back in our little family was utterly selfish- never mind the fact that there was not a doubt in Liverpool that he was plainly just feeling a bit sorry for himself and that my whole world, heart, hopes and dreams have long moved beyond who he and I, used to be.
And then she clicked her fingers, Mark went scurrying back and I danced around the freshly steam cleaned carpet, half demented with relief .
But, oh how to get past our yesterdays? The guilt. The pain. The tomorrows that have to be re-invented, weaving somebody elses  life into ours, hurting for  what isn’t and glad, so terribly glad, that the man sitting at your dinner table the next evening is everything you had no idea you wanted, indeed needed– thrilled and scared stiff by the sheer upheaval of loving someone new.
So we are scared. All of us.  Him.  Me.  Mark. My Mum.  Navigating whole new countries and scared that tomorrow will be the same as yesterday with way too many  sacrifices to be made  along the way…
But for now I am happy. Happy with hope, stuttered secrets, locked precious up inside you and the permanent throb of fingers crossed.
Happy you see, is  a dark cosy evening.  Too many candles, and hyacinths everywhere. A plate  of shortbread and cinnamon milk  at my side.   A child freshly scrubbed in  Thomas  The Tank engine pyjamas and Clare, lovely, lovely  Clare on her way round to help me set the world to rights.
Happy turns out to be just the other side of misery.   So it will be ok. I’m blogging again. Spilling my heart onto the screen and hoping nobody minds.
Fancy that! Shortbread is the answer to every question I ever had. I just didn’t realise it.

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

10 Comments

  1. Hi Alison! I wanted to let you know that I adore your blog and want to thank you for your wonderful way of making my life a little brighter. I hope you get all of your concerns resolved but in the meantime I am glad that you are happy (c:
    I was wondering if you have a chance would you please email me? I am not a lunatic I swear – if you want to see the "real" me I am a volunteer writer at the Homemaking Cottage and my little bio can be found here: http://www.homemakingcottage.com/writers/sherri_g
    Have a great evening!

  2. cassandra says:

    Wow! What an emotional rollercoaster ride you've had these past few days,I'm just so glad your okay. But more than anything i'm glad your happy.
    P.S. That cinnamon milk and shortbread sounds real good.
    LOLxxxx

  3. Annabelle says:

    Glad to hear you are happy and that you seem to have a positive direction.
    I too have been cleaning and unfortunately I just can't do everything…including blogging. But I'm addicted to it I think because I'm up at 11:52 and posting a comment on your blog; I enjoy reading it very much.
    I must admit that now I' getting consumed in cleaning and decorating for Christmas. Maybe I'll post some pics and I'll ask you your opinion on my door decoration. I'm trying to recreate a similar effect as the store in Ohio you showed on your blog; only its for a house and it has a white door..
    Annabelle ~^..^~ xo

  4. Alyssa says:

    Alison, I think it's time you didn't allow Mark into any of your life except for his vists with your son. He is now old news and his reappearing time to time when the new girl is treating him poorly shouldn't be tolerated. If, as you keep saying, there is a new man in your life then there truly is no place for the ex. He is taking advantage of the feelings you still have for him and you should not fall into that tangled web. Revel in the new man, he may be part of your future. Mark is now the past and should remain there. Don't waste (yes it is a waste) your precious time going over and over the past – it is done and can't be undone. Let it rest, lock it away in a pretty little box and put it in the back closet. And forget it. And here's a tip I painfully learned after my 18 year marriage ended – always keep a part of yourself to yourself – if that makes sense. Don't assume anything will last forever and always be able to take care of yourself. Rely mainly on you. 'Cause in the end, that is who will be there for you. Time to move on and dance to your own songs — life is so very short. My best, Alyssa P.S. There are soooooo many great things out there, just relax with life and enjoy what comes your way. And men are only a small part of our lives.

  5. kali says:

    I'm so happy for you Alison.

  6. Gena says:

    So Mark has discovered the grass is not that much greener? hmm..shame…NOT!
    Good for you Alson, you are moving on nicely, and a new beaux? wow! happy days ahead xx

  7. ellen says:

    *Warning: Blunt opinion ahead.
    I don't know your whole story, so please do excuse me as I give a quite straightforward opinion coming from what I have read.
    If you are divorced for his adultery, then I believe, as Alyssa said, do NOT let Mark back into your life but for the parental role.
    If a man cheats on you, you have the right to divorce him for this reason. You don't have to, but, if you choose this course, then the union between you and him dies. Completely. Severed. Dead. It must be excruciating. However, it is *real*. One must act as much. One must not be digging up a corpse.
    Keeping in line with the above: Do not provide him "safe" harbor. After such a divorce, do not teach him that any exclusive refuge possibly exists in you or your home. There is nothing safe about doing this.
    It sounds as if he is using you and then spitting you out at whim, with your permission. How dare you allow him to use you and (by extension) your son this way. What kind of example is this? He is not a MAN. He cannot set the example of one.
    Don't let him think that he can entertain options which involve you. Don't entertain dead options yourself. Stop supporting his own rotting life. Again, …digging up corpses will destroy you and your family.
    In LOVE,
    Ellen

  8. happyapple says:

    Oh my God Mark got dumped
    oh my GOD

  9. ellen says:

    Sorry, *correction* needed in my post! A phrase came out sounding different than I intended, so here goes…
    Second paragraph of my post should begin:
    "If you have divorced him for his adultery…"

  10. Gardengirl says:

    Hi Alison. I have been reading your blog for a month now and this post has made me want to leave a way overdue comment. I have been in the situation you are now in and finally after 35 years of waiting for my husband to be a husband I said enough was enough and filed for divorce. After the divorce he realized that what we had was good. Too late for me, I moved on. Now I hear he is in a new realationship and back to his old ways. My life is peaceful now and I have a good relationship with each of my children. Why I gave him 35 years of chances, I don't know. I guess I was not ready to give up. Follow your heart and be true to yourself Alison. That is the best advice I can give you.
    P.S. I love, love, love your blog.

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