Tears for Fears.

By alison May 8, 2006 97 Comments 5 Min Read

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Oh my dear lovely friends I hardly know where to begin. I have hesitated to write this because it seems to me that once you have committed something to paper  then it becomes  true, and more than anything else I  do not want  what I am about to  tell  you to be true.
Nine days ago,  Mark packed his things into three bin bags and moved to his Dads. He has left us. Not because he doesn’t love us, nor because he loves someone else, but because he feels like screaming. Well God Damn it Mark, don’t we all?? 
I don’t know how to explain this to you, mostly because I hardly know how to explain it to myself. One day he was here, the father of my babba and the person I love more than any other. And the next day he was gone, declaring his intention to clear his head and have some space away from the obligations of family life so he can concentrate on his excessively demanding job and find the time to think straight…
I know. The downright bloody cheek of it. And God knows it raises all the tired old arguments about how easy it is for men to abandon their lives, their responsibilities, and their children. I know all of it. And yes, everyone I know is up in arms about the sheer selfishness of what he has done and I have endured more “All men are bastards” conversations to last me a lifetime this week, but in the midst of all the anger, the disappointment and the hurt on my behalf, is me. Sitting in my ludicrously tidy house (turns out it is Mark who makes all the mess!), just wanting my friend to come home and hardly recognising this stranger everyone else is ranting about.
Here’s the thing: You can never really  know  what goes on in other peoples relationships.  You can issue  all the advice you want in a crisis –  Lock the doors and throw away the key. Don’t let him see the baby. Ignore him and he’ll soon come running back–  and in the end none of it matters . Because nobody else knows  you. Or him.  Yes it is strange that we have sat down and had a cup of tea everyday since he moved out. And that somehow I cannot work up the will to scream at him. But this is us. This is our way of getting through a catastrophe we want to work out, yet have no point of reference for…
Am I angry? Yes.  I am angry because I have spent two and a half years making sure that every minute of every one of Finley’s days have been as secure as I could make them and in one week I feel that Mark has compromised that certainty. So yes I am downright bloody angry. But do I think he is a  bastard? Not for a minute. I think he is fragile and silly and weak. I think that he is learning his  own mind. That he has a job that challenges  him more than he ever expected and that he is sick of living in my shadow. I think that to a degree we thwart each other. That our roots have become so entwined that we are strangling each other. I think our lives have become a vicious circle one of us had to break so that we could start again.  With or without each other.
And I also think that everything that has gone before this has been the whisper of what was to come. My whining, infections, and subdued hysteria have been the result of denying what lay beneath the careful manufacture of our lives. I didn’t see it coming and yet expectation pulsed through my veins till I  may as well have been stood in concrete, so difficult was it to get through my life, covering my constant fear of the unknown with the security of interminable positivity and the routine of days that are all that I know.
So how am I doing? Housekeepers I am brittle.  At once bereft and yet sharply focused on getting throught the days with as much dignity as I can muster. I am tired. The baby seems fine until the middle of the night, when he cries his heart out for his Daddy, and I drag myself exhausted into his room and try to chase away the monsters without the secret weapons all Daddys’ possess in such situations. So I am tired. But I do not cry. Not until I have to tell someone else that Mark has gone. Or until I see him walking out the door all over again. So I clean and polish and tidy and wash and iron. Letting the house heal my pain and sitting alone at night, so proud of myself I can barely breathe.
I am doing Ok, I think.   
The worst of it is that I feel like a fraud. As if I have weaved a web of lies about my life. But I haven’t. Every word of what has gone before is true. Which suggests I suppose that I was decieving myself: not in itself a great crime, but one that does not necessarily apply to me. I have spent ten years practising authenticity and gratitude, and yet it is Mark’s absolute lack of both qualities that is in fact his undoing. I can’t help him deal with his own insecurities anymore and I no longer want to drown in his constant desire to his glass half empty, excusing him and cheering him on with no reward.

So what now? I don’t know. It is almost certain that it isn’t over. Not in the blink of an eye after fifteen years. I know him. I see the uncertainty in his eyes. I know that he knows that he has overstepped the mark and I know that he is struggling to face coming back without compromising this new person he is becoming. But I also know that any man who walks out on his gorgeous two year old little boy without fighting to save a relationship  that defines him isn’t worth having, and above  all  else I know that  I am strong. That no man is worth the tears of a beautiful woman and that one day when I feel a little less ugly than I  do today, I will embrace that.

Hold my hand and we will see what happens.

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

97 Comments

  1. Allison says:

    So shocked at your news …. here is a supporting hand ….

  2. Victoria says:

    So sorry to hear your news.
    You and your family are in my prayers.

  3. Kristy says:

    Like I said before.Hand outstretched:)

  4. ms*robyn says:

    I can't even type what I want to say. it would look like this #*^!#@ – or similar. life is crap!!!!! oh Alison – just know that I am an email away – any old time. I have been there and it sucks. love ya !! xoxo

  5. Meredith says:

    I wish I lived nearby to give you a big hug and take you out somewhere for tea and shopping and something to get your mind off things, as if that is possible. Prayers for you and Finley. I'll keep checking in on you.

  6. Karen says:

    I, too, am so sorry to hear about Mark's choice. But it seems to me you are a very strong woman with a loving family and you will get through this with your head held high and your beautiful baby smiling in your arms. Please know that you are in my thoughts.
    Also… a bit of advice… plan a little trip somewhere sunny for yourself. It will give you something to focus on and look forward to. It will help clear your head and put things in perspective. My mother advised me to do this when I had a heavy heart. It was the best advice she ever gave me.

  7. Kim says:

    Alison, I am so sorry to hear about this & know that it must be difficult beyond words. I can see from your post that you are strong & brave and that you will get through. We are all here for you, hands to hold & shoulders to cry or laugh on 🙂

  8. Tracy says:

    Oh Alison, I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you all. {{Hugs))

  9. I, too, am so sorry to hear this news. You and your family are in my prayers.

  10. Cookiec says:

    You and Finley are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugssss

  11. Susana says:

    Alison, you've been going through a really tough time, huh? I really do hope that Mark will get his head cleared up soon, and that he will be back in the loving arms of his family. That is where he belongs. This world is hard enough to understand as adults, and I can imagine it would only be more confusing for little Finley. I really hope Mark thinks about that. I hope love will triumph over everything else, move his heart to do the right thing. How many times have we as women not wanted to take a break? Dropping the things that are not important is ok, but just getting up and leaving our family? I pray you can both work things out together. You know eachother, and please don't feel pressured to do this or that, because other people tell you to or expect you to do that. No one is perfect Alison, so don't ever feel that your friends, family, etc.. see you as a fraud or a failure. We all have our bad moments, and you seem to be one of the most real women out there. We all have dreams, but you dare to share yours with the world. No one expects you to be perfect. God bless you Ali. I hope tomorrow will be a more Sunny Day for you. Lot's of Love, Susana

  12. Clarice says:

    Alison, my heart is so sad for you Finley and you. I am sorry you two are going through this. I will be praying for you. For strength and peace. Clarice

  13. Claudette Blair says:

    I so looked forward to your return and am sorry to read of your pain. This happened to me 6 years ago, he came back and we are still together. Just be prepared for a different dynamic to the relationship. Focus on yourself and I hope you will not be forever wary as I have become. I fought hard for him to want me…..but it is different now. Claudette

  14. Joanna says:

    Alison, just know I am thinking about you and Finley! You helped me and my family through a rough patch a few months ago! I could never thank-you enough. I am thinking good thoughts and praying for you.
    Joanna

  15. Alicat says:

    I'm so sorry — my heart goes out to you and your family. Please try to keep your chin up. Much love from America…

  16. Crystal says:

    I am so sad to hear that. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  17. Mommy22Ss says:

    I am so sorry and I'll be praying for you.

  18. Bessilu says:

    My heart aches for you and your little boy. You bring so much cheer into people's lives with your site, I know that it will all wash back to you. It has too. my best wishes.

  19. Nancy says:

    WE love you, Sweet Alison.
    Your friends are here for you and you just need to heal and be better. It WILL be better, I promise, in due time. I will not give advice since I found most advice given to me when my husband of 18 years left me and our daughter was hurtful and destructive at best. You must follow your own heart, your own will, and only then will you be secure in your decisions. Finley will be okay as well cause he has YOU…his rock, his strength, his security, his world. He couldn't order a better Mum. Prayers, good thoughts, loads of love, and virtual hugs are yours.
    {{{Ali~Hug}}}

  20. Sandi says:

    Remember that you have an abundance of people who care, even though most of us have never met.Thinking of you and wishing only the best.

  21. Sandi says:

    Remember that you have an abundance of people who care, even though most of us have never met.Thinking of you and wishing only the best.

  22. Leanne says:

    All of you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are incredibly strong to have this view, and are a wonderful mum to Finley. He is lucky to have a mother with such a strong spirit! We will all be here to support you…

  23. Leanne says:

    All of you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are incredibly strong to have this view, and are a wonderful mum to Finley. He is lucky to have a mother with such a strong spirit! We will all be here to support you…

  24. Gena says:

    Alison I have not known you very long,yet I know for sure you have a good soul,hang on to that and believe in yourself,and in the words of Germaine Greer remember that"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" May much,much happier days be ahead for you xx

  25. Oh, Allison, as much as I missed seeing you around here, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I hope you find the strength and peace you deserve, whatever the outcome is.

  26. Oh, Allison, as much as I missed seeing you around here, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I hope you find the strength and peace you deserve, whatever the outcome is.

  27. June says:

    I am horrified for you all. Your story is my story–my heart is breaking all over again to learn that you're going through this. I survived so here is my hand in friendship and support–strengthened by experience and my own self will to survive and live well.

  28. Sara Smith says:

    I am so, so sorry… You poor, poor darling…
    I send you a massive hug
    With fondest love,
    Sara x

  29. Sara Smith says:

    I am so, so sorry… You poor, poor darling…
    I send you a massive hug
    With fondest love,
    Sara x

  30. Sarah says:

    Alison. You live as authentically as you possible can — you practice gratitude and loving kindness and create a beautiful, intelligent and safe home for your family — and even though these tools for living your life did not protect you from this, I believe that they will give you the strength to deal with this. I am sending good thoughts to you, Mark and Finley.

  31. Maggie says:

    Allison,
    May your heart heal and you find inner strenght. I lived/am living through a similar situation…only i wasn't married to the man, he was my father. It's hard to comprehend how someone can up and leave everything they seemed to love so much. You will come out of this no matter what the outcome is, a stronger, wiser and more beautiful woman inside and out….i've seen my own mother do it. My heart and thoughts go out to all of you.

  32. Maggie says:

    Allison,
    May your heart heal and you find inner strenght. I lived/am living through a similar situation…only i wasn't married to the man, he was my father. It's hard to comprehend how someone can up and leave everything they seemed to love so much. You will come out of this no matter what the outcome is, a stronger, wiser and more beautiful woman inside and out….i've seen my own mother do it. My heart and thoughts go out to all of you.

  33. Suzi says:

    Alison – Although I have never met you, my heart aches for what you are going through. I am so sorry to read about this. The positive thing is that you and Mark can still speak to each other without wanting to kill each other. I would like to think that is a positive step toward repairing your relationship. I will keep you, Finley, and Mark in my prayers.
    Love,
    Suzi

  34. Suzi says:

    Alison – Although I have never met you, my heart aches for what you are going through. I am so sorry to read about this. The positive thing is that you and Mark can still speak to each other without wanting to kill each other. I would like to think that is a positive step toward repairing your relationship. I will keep you, Finley, and Mark in my prayers.
    Love,
    Suzi

  35. Stacie says:

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Stacie

  36. julie says:

    So very sorry, Alison. Just please know that for what it is worth, all of us have (and will keep) you (and Finley) in our thoughts and prayers!!!

  37. julie says:

    So very sorry, Alison. Just please know that for what it is worth, all of us have (and will keep) you (and Finley) in our thoughts and prayers!!!

  38. Rhiannon says:

    A perfect home doesn't mean as much if there is no one home to appreciate it?
    He'll come back but always remember it takes two. It may seem one sided now because HE left but make you you both do your part when things settle down.
    A perfect housewife has 1001 jobs. This is just one more to realize, helping the husband who helped you build your lives. Men have a huge responsibility when their jobs are nessesary to keeping us wifes & babies at home. (not at work or in day care) I've learned how much pressure there is on a man after my husband has been out of work for 9 months.

  39. diana says:

    This is my first time to comment here… but I have loved your blog for months… I send my hand and my arms (hug) so well written…
    you will find your light at the end of the tunnel.

  40. diana says:

    This is my first time to comment here… but I have loved your blog for months… I send my hand and my arms (hug) so well written…
    you will find your light at the end of the tunnel.

  41. mandy says:

    alison, take care my friend,
    love and support always,
    hugs to you and finley.
    mandy.

  42. What a courageous brave heart you have to admit your brokeness to us. To share your anger, love, doubts and anguish.
    Breath…and scream, and then breath again.
    You are our, dear-Brocantehome– vintage-housekeeper, and nothing can change that!
    There is a light at the end of this dark night, though the path may not be easy, nor without fear…steady as you go and hopefully, with my friendship (and those around you here on your blog) it will be a little easier to bear.

  43. What a courageous brave heart you have to admit your brokeness to us. To share your anger, love, doubts and anguish.
    Breath…and scream, and then breath again.
    You are our, dear-Brocantehome– vintage-housekeeper, and nothing can change that!
    There is a light at the end of this dark night, though the path may not be easy, nor without fear…steady as you go and hopefully, with my friendship (and those around you here on your blog) it will be a little easier to bear.

  44. Melanie says:

    I'm so sorry Alison! {hugs}

  45. Melanie says:

    I'm so sorry Alison! {hugs}

  46. Terri says:

    Alison, prayers for you. It's all part of the journey love, just part of the journey.

  47. Terri says:

    Alison, prayers for you. It's all part of the journey love, just part of the journey.

  48. Jenn says:

    I wish I could ease the pain. I too have a young one and a relationship that is changing in a way I never wanted.Your words bring tears to my eyes and clarity to my thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Here is my hand………….

  49. Jenn says:

    I wish I could ease the pain. I too have a young one and a relationship that is changing in a way I never wanted.Your words bring tears to my eyes and clarity to my thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Here is my hand………….

  50. erin says:

    Have hope and keep faith. I hope that things will work out and that you'll both be stronger for it. Take good care of yourself and little Finley.

  51. erin says:

    Have hope and keep faith. I hope that things will work out and that you'll both be stronger for it. Take good care of yourself and little Finley.

  52. Kether says:

    Alison,
    I was stunned to read this. My heart is aching for you and Finley and I am so thankful that Finley has such a strong and loving mother to hold him through this.
    Please, don't feel as though you were a fraud. There is only so much we can control in our lives. This is not one of those things.
    Please be well and take good care of yourself.

  53. Kether says:

    Alison,
    I was stunned to read this. My heart is aching for you and Finley and I am so thankful that Finley has such a strong and loving mother to hold him through this.
    Please, don't feel as though you were a fraud. There is only so much we can control in our lives. This is not one of those things.
    Please be well and take good care of yourself.

  54. Mindy says:

    Dear Alison,
    I am so sorry to hear this news. I have been here myself, I understand the ache and feelings your wrestling with. I will be praying for you, Finley and Mark. Know that you are loved by all of us vintage housekeepers, and we will stand with you and support you through this! Stay strong my friend…many hugs to you dear..

  55. Lorelei says:

    So sorry to hear this Alison. Be strong and take care of yourself.

  56. Lorelei says:

    So sorry to hear this Alison. Be strong and take care of yourself.

  57. Shar says:

    So very sorry…

  58. nina says:

    This makes me sad because I know how much you hurt. All life is change whether you want it to be or not.
    Courage…

  59. nina says:

    This makes me sad because I know how much you hurt. All life is change whether you want it to be or not.
    Courage…

  60. I couldn't stop crying when I read this post.
    What I really believe is that man is irresponsable and selfish and you are a great woman, a woman with capital A.
    You must feel proud of yourself.

  61. I couldn't stop crying when I read this post.
    What I really believe is that man is irresponsable and selfish and you are a great woman, a woman with capital A.
    You must feel proud of yourself.

  62. I mean capital W.
    I hope this will be good to you have a good laugh.

  63. Petah Hatcher says:

    Oh Alison, You have given us all so much joy with your site, it hurts to see you so sad and going through this difficult time. I know that Mark might feel overwhelmed with his job, but do not think of yourself as a fraud, because imagine how overwhelmed he would be if you were a full-time Executive and your babba was in full-time day care. I can just imagine your house being the most scrumptious one to come home to and home I hope he will come, if that is what you both decide. Hugs. Petah

  64. Petah Hatcher says:

    Oh Alison, You have given us all so much joy with your site, it hurts to see you so sad and going through this difficult time. I know that Mark might feel overwhelmed with his job, but do not think of yourself as a fraud, because imagine how overwhelmed he would be if you were a full-time Executive and your babba was in full-time day care. I can just imagine your house being the most scrumptious one to come home to and home I hope he will come, if that is what you both decide. Hugs. Petah

  65. Rhi says:

    Oh Alison, I don't know what to write really…just to say that I'm thinking of you. I've read your blog for so long now, and shared in your life a little bit – I feel I've sort of got to know you and I just really feel so hurt for you. I really hope everything works out for you. Lots of love xxx

  66. Alison, I don't know you, but your post made me cry. I know how tough your situation is, because I've been through something similar. But the point is, I survived and was a stronger, better person for it and ultimately, a happier one. You are very strong and the fact that you're writing about these struggles speaks volumes in your attempt to carve out the life you need for yourself and your son. I will be cheering on the sidelines for the resilient woman you are, as you face these challenges.

  67. Alison, I don't know you, but your post made me cry. I know how tough your situation is, because I've been through something similar. But the point is, I survived and was a stronger, better person for it and ultimately, a happier one. You are very strong and the fact that you're writing about these struggles speaks volumes in your attempt to carve out the life you need for yourself and your son. I will be cheering on the sidelines for the resilient woman you are, as you face these challenges.

  68. Lazy Cow says:

    Oh Alison, my heart aches for you. I'm delurking to write this, as I've only *just now* posted on housekeeping in my blog and made a flip remark that I'd like to be like you. And it's true, you're a strong, brave woman and Finley and your husband (when he wakes up from his nightmare) are lucky to have you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

  69. Lazy Cow says:

    Oh Alison, my heart aches for you. I'm delurking to write this, as I've only *just now* posted on housekeeping in my blog and made a flip remark that I'd like to be like you. And it's true, you're a strong, brave woman and Finley and your husband (when he wakes up from his nightmare) are lucky to have you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

  70. Suzie says:

    Stay strong Sweetie – always be true to yourself. That is all life requires from any of us.
    I am thinking of you and I will keep you in my prayers Hon.
    Take care of yourself.

  71. Suzie says:

    Stay strong Sweetie – always be true to yourself. That is all life requires from any of us.
    I am thinking of you and I will keep you in my prayers Hon.
    Take care of yourself.

  72. Josee says:

    I am sorry to hear this news. We all send you our support. You are strong and you will see better days soon. Hang in there. HUG.

  73. VintageJess says:

    Alison,
    Lots of warm hugs to you and Finley. We are here for you–lean on us in whatever way you need. I believe in fate, and maybe one of the larger purposes of this whole beautiful network YOU have created is for us to be here to help see you through this. So vent, cry, scream, fuss–whatever it is that you need to do here. We will be here listening and supporting.

  74. VintageJess says:

    Alison,
    Lots of warm hugs to you and Finley. We are here for you–lean on us in whatever way you need. I believe in fate, and maybe one of the larger purposes of this whole beautiful network YOU have created is for us to be here to help see you through this. So vent, cry, scream, fuss–whatever it is that you need to do here. We will be here listening and supporting.

  75. Teri M. says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Hopefully it helps a little for you to know that you are in all of our prayers.

  76. ~Vicki says:

    —you've got both my hands sweetheart.

  77. ~Vicki says:

    —you've got both my hands sweetheart.

  78. Amber says:

    What a strong woman you are. Thank you for your example to us all-keep walking tall for Finley's sake. Thinking of you…

  79. Danielle says:

    I just wanted to say I'm here with all your other housekeeper friends, thinking of you and sending you hugs! You deserve so much better than this.

  80. Danielle says:

    I just wanted to say I'm here with all your other housekeeper friends, thinking of you and sending you hugs! You deserve so much better than this.

  81. Paola says:

    Oh goodness, I do so hope, for your sake, for Mark's sake, and most of all for Finley's sake, that you all manage to sort this out.
    Having a baby and an overwhelming project like BrocanteHome, plus all your recent illnesses, does put a huge strain on a marriage (we're having interesting ups and downs a the moment)but I'm so hoping things work out for you in the end. It doesn't sound to me like it's truly over.
    Thinking of you
    Paola xx

  82. Paola says:

    Oh goodness, I do so hope, for your sake, for Mark's sake, and most of all for Finley's sake, that you all manage to sort this out.
    Having a baby and an overwhelming project like BrocanteHome, plus all your recent illnesses, does put a huge strain on a marriage (we're having interesting ups and downs a the moment)but I'm so hoping things work out for you in the end. It doesn't sound to me like it's truly over.
    Thinking of you
    Paola xx

  83. kali says:

    Hi Ali, I am so sorry for all the pain that you are feeling.
    I am not here to offer advice, but wholeheartedly offer you my love and support!
    I too offer you my hand, and you can squeeze as hard as you like!
    p.s. YES! You are a very strong, beautiful, smart and amazing woman 🙂

  84. kali says:

    Hi Ali, I am so sorry for all the pain that you are feeling.
    I am not here to offer advice, but wholeheartedly offer you my love and support!
    I too offer you my hand, and you can squeeze as hard as you like!
    p.s. YES! You are a very strong, beautiful, smart and amazing woman 🙂

  85. Sara says:

    Alison, I just saw this because I hadn't been checking your blog since you went on hiatus.
    I don't have any words to say that everyone else hasn't already said or that you haven't thought. Only you know what to do in this situation, so all I can offer is to say strong, keep your chin up, and don't let all of those people telling you men are bastards get to you.

  86. Colette says:

    Alison, I don't know you, and I've just started reading your very enjoyable blog, but this post moved me to the core. You sound like a strong woman, but I also know that there's a place of tenderness inside a strong woman that can be wounded. My hope is that whatever happens you emerge stronger and better for it.

  87. Carol says:

    Oh my, dear Alison, I thought you were still taking your break and then I've just read this! *EEK* I so hope that your Mark comes to his senses and comes back to you two soon! *Fingers crossed* I send you strength! Hugs Carol xox

  88. Carol says:

    Oh my, dear Alison, I thought you were still taking your break and then I've just read this! *EEK* I so hope that your Mark comes to his senses and comes back to you two soon! *Fingers crossed* I send you strength! Hugs Carol xox

  89. Ali says:

    Ali,
    I have enjoyed your blog since stumbling upon it several months ago. I was saddened to read that you had suspended your blog….then happy to see that you had resumed it…then saddened again to read about you and Mark.
    I just wanted you to know that reading your post about the situation made me sad…but then I read the postcard above…. I didn't get the joke right away, but upon looking at "After the Quarrel" again, I laughed out loud, when I finally got the joke!
    Sometimes men are such jackasses!
    Here's hoping that a thousand angels surround your heart with joy and peace.
    Ali L.

  90. Ali says:

    Ali,
    I have enjoyed your blog since stumbling upon it several months ago. I was saddened to read that you had suspended your blog….then happy to see that you had resumed it…then saddened again to read about you and Mark.
    I just wanted you to know that reading your post about the situation made me sad…but then I read the postcard above…. I didn't get the joke right away, but upon looking at "After the Quarrel" again, I laughed out loud, when I finally got the joke!
    Sometimes men are such jackasses!
    Here's hoping that a thousand angels surround your heart with joy and peace.
    Ali L.

  91. Abby says:

    Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry. I am all teary-eyed now. I'm also sorry that I have no advice to offer, and I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Thanks so much for your wonderful blog and all you do for others. My prayers are with you.

  92. Abby says:

    Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry. I am all teary-eyed now. I'm also sorry that I have no advice to offer, and I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Thanks so much for your wonderful blog and all you do for others. My prayers are with you.

  93. Annie says:

    Dear Sweet Alison,
    Once upon a time, whilst navigating through waters similar to yours at present, I found a small but priceless buoy amidst the writings of Sarah Ban Breathnach, the lines of which I remembered, repeated, & clung to during my darkest days-nights-moments. Sometimes I could do no more than say these words to myself over & over & over until quiet or sleep would come. May they bring you an extra oar when needed along your way, & in time may your heart know them to be utterly true:
    "All shall be well.
    And all shall be well.
    And all manner of things shall be well."
    –Julia of Norwich

  94. Annie says:

    Dear Sweet Alison,
    Once upon a time, whilst navigating through waters similar to yours at present, I found a small but priceless buoy amidst the writings of Sarah Ban Breathnach, the lines of which I remembered, repeated, & clung to during my darkest days-nights-moments. Sometimes I could do no more than say these words to myself over & over & over until quiet or sleep would come. May they bring you an extra oar when needed along your way, & in time may your heart know them to be utterly true:
    "All shall be well.
    And all shall be well.
    And all manner of things shall be well."
    –Julia of Norwich

  95. Beckie Routledge says:

    Hi Ali,Its Beckie (Your long lost cousin!!!)
    Just to let you know that I love you and am here if you need someone else to talk to. Get my number off mum!
    Big hugs to all of you, and you have my hand. xxxx

  96. Renee McCrory says:

    I too wish I could reach "across the pond" and give you a big hug! Take care my cyber-friend. Things WILL get better…tie a knot at the end of your rope. Hugs and Love!

  97. Renee McCrory says:

    I too wish I could reach "across the pond" and give you a big hug! Take care my cyber-friend. Things WILL get better…tie a knot at the end of your rope. Hugs and Love!

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