The Straw That Broke The Camels Back.

By alison March 27, 2008 10 Comments 3 Min Read

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Consider me a camel today. Bear in mind that my back is broken and the straw that broke it was about the size of a very old fashioned tv.

The sky is black this morning. That spooky rainy kinda black the sun tries and fails to poke it’s nose through. But it’s snuggly here in the library. I’ve got myself a fairtrade hot chocolate and parked myself as far away as possible from the man who, before, standing a tad too close for comfort in the pouring rain, admired my polka dot pink umbrella, told me he suspected I had very warm blood and accompanied this revelation with a dirty wink. (I swear I could get into trouble in a monastery). But never mind- I am more than happy to deal with the odd book sniffing lech if it means I can escape the horror that is my house today.

All is not well in Chez Brocante. It’s nothing major. The roof is still on and the plaster hasn’t crumbled. No it’s worse than that. Yesterday afternoon I returned home from an onion buying mission, walked over to the television, in the dim hope of happening across Duffy probably still begging for mercy, pressed it on. And nothing. Nowt. Nada. Somebody call the fire brigade!

So I got down on my hands and knees and did professional looking things with unidentified wires and nothing, nowt, nada. Stopped and had a cry. Poured myself a stiff gin, got out my pink girly toolbox and changed some random fuses. Because I can. Awarded myself a medal, curtsied to the queen and went to switch on the tumble dryer and nothing! Nowt! Nada! Desperate circumstances call for very desperate measures so I took the fuse out of the juicer in the faint hope that maybe all the fuses I’d changed thus far were dodgy, inserted said fuse into tv and ne fait rien. Ran into kitchen for carpet cleaner after noticing stain left by red wine knocked over by man I adored as a teenager  on Saturday night (This is what kind of lush I am: I let stains fester for days on end). Clean in a manic fashion. Notice I have been somewhat waylaid in addressing the matter in hand. Stop and reflect that this IS WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE and collapse in a heap on the fake Aubusson where son and father of my child find me sprawled half an hour later.

To cut a long story short the tumble dryer was the cause of all the trouble. After sacrificing my beloved television to the God of all things electric it staged a miraculous recovery and is drying vests as we speak. All well and good, but I am now the proud possessor of dry underwear and three portable tv’s none of which are working, a screeching child in cold tv turkey and worst of all a fridge full of warm food, because the fuse I removed from the juicer plug actually belonged to the the fridge plug….

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Welcome to hell. It’s exhausting being fabulous.

So it is a lifetime of self improvement and plucked eyebrows for me. No Apprentice. No Emmerdale. No Horrid Horrid Henry (Thank you!). Last night I read The Making Of A Marchioness from back to front and tonight I’ve got a homemade Chicken Korma and Life’s Too F**cking Short lined up….

Wonder if Mr Warm Blood knows anything about geriatric televisions?

Mummy I’m moving in.

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

10 Comments

  1. Polly says:

    Before I remarried, I often relied on the fix-it abilities of my male neighbors. Blinds that flip-flopped to the floor and simply couldn’t be hung… Cheap entertainment center that had to be assembled and I only got as far as carrying all that heavy stuff in from the car (which I paid for myself – in full. The car & the heavy stuff)… Blown fuses replaced with new fuses that still don’t work – and my rearend hurts from trapsing up and down the stairs 100 times to that fuse box! Oh it was everyday life! Today my 4 year old son has informed me that “hair is dead skin” “So are toenails and our legs are dead too.” I guess that’s why I had such a hard time with the stairs! Blessings… Polly (did any of that even make sense???)

  2. Anna Marie says:

    Oh Alison! Well, you could look at this as a character-building experience, but I think you are quite a character already 🙂 Get the old dude to fix your telly, and whack him with your pink polka dotted umbrella if he gets out of line.
    If you reading more lately, I recommend Instance of the Fingerpost by Iain Pears
    My best,
    Anna Marie

  3. Katherine says:

    I love those spooky, dark, rainy days!!
    I found The Making of a Marchioness on-line and have been reading it (on-line, LOL)–LOVE it!
    ;)Kat

  4. KK says:

    You have such a way with words, you’re hilarious 🙂 Couldn’t stop laughing (with you I hope) as I was reading that post! May I suggest ‘freecycle’ for a new television, it’s fabulous! xxx

  5. Gill says:

    Yes I recommend Freecycle too, there are tvs being given away all the time on my local group as people who can afford it upgrade to plasma screens and want to dump their “bulkers” as my daughter calls them! Put a wanted post on, with your usual stylish and witty words and bet you get lucky. Good luck x

  6. Gill says:

    Yes I recommend Freecycle too, there are tvs being given away all the time on my local group as people who can afford it upgrade to plasma screens and want to dump their “bulkers” as my daughter calls them! Put a wanted post on, with your usual stylish and witty words and bet you get lucky. Good luck x

  7. Amy says:

    I laughed so hard I nearly spit up coffee all over my screen lol

  8. Teresa says:

    I love your blog. Very original. You always have something great!! Teresa

  9. I absolutely love that phrase “It’s exhausting being fabulous” – I might use it myself. As for birthdays, a woman I know who just turned 65 responds, when anyone enquires about her age “I am moving towards magnificence”.

  10. mimi says:

    Oh Alison, I am so glad you will be online again soon! And I hope your tv soon lives and breathes again! I missed the Apprentice too, bah! Oh, and I have just devoured The Making of a Marchioness, it is quite the loveliest book!

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