Things I Know For Sure.

By alison December 5, 2007 19 Comments 9 Min Read

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So because I fancy myself as Oprah Winfrey this morning, I feel obliged to share with you the things I know for sure. True, those things that have acquired certainty of truth in my warbly mind are a rather mixed bunch, but life is really rather like that isn’t it? One minute you are debating the merits of great literature and the next you are  sure as eggs are eggs that in a parallel universe Mariah Carey is a topless model.

And so, without further ado, a whole lotta nonsense I also know for sure…

1. Watch the kettle and it won’t boil. Just to get on your nerves.

2. In order to get things done, you have to do them. There is just no getting round it.

3. Make a date and you will grow a boil on your chin in ample time to dazzle him.

4. No-one can see dust in candlelight.

5. Kids have got a buzzer in their brain guaranteed to go off at inopportune moments.

6. Dipping your breasts in a  bowl of water is not the easiest method of  ascertaining your bra size.

7. Getting in the shower without brushing my teeth first would probably kill me.

8. Do the school run  looking a bugger and you’ll find yourself standing next to the local WAG.

9. Eating jelly lips for breakfast is perfectly understandable when you feel a bit miserable.

10. But eating jelly lips for breakfast will make you fat for sure.

11. However contrary to popular belief,  most men don’t mind hips made of jelly lips. It’s us who need to get over them.

12. Commercial air fresheners are the scourge of modern society.

13. Getting up an hour earlier than usual bloats my stomach. Who knows why?

14. I’d have made an excellent Land Girl during World War Two.

15. You mustn’t breathe if you find yourself sleeping next to me. I don’t like people who breathe.

16. God attached these legs to this bum and then fell off his chair laughing.

17. Putting anything from chin hair to your relationship under the scrutiny of a sixty watt bulb is never a good plan.  Life is best lived in the bliss of dusky oblivion.

18. Lots of things taste better in someone else’s house.

19. Cheap jewellery, vintage or otherwise, turns you green. (But looks divine regardless).

20. Hurt wraps your heart in barbed wire. I’m positively spiky these days…

21. The answer to most problems is chocolate, lavender and paracetamol. Occasionally all at once.

22. Scrabbling around on your hands and knees is the only way to uncover buried treasure. Down you get.

23. Eligible batchelors over the age of 35  are eligible for a very good reason or ten. Trust me: I’ve endured them all.

24.   If you press your ear hard into your pillow you can hear your heart banging in your brain.

25. Finley was sent to drive me  to the brink of sanity and leave me dangling there naked.  Raw. Exposed. And a teeny bit bonkers.

26. Beans on toast is the nectar of the Gods. Served with a sprinkling of grated cheese if you don’t mind.

27. Russell Brand is sex in a hairband. A legend in eyeliner.

28.  Fairies nibble my nails while I’m asleep.

29.  I’m never going to be grown up enough to like olives.

30. I look a fright in gold lurex. I do believe I have photographic proof.

31. Wish too hard and it will come true. Then what ya gonna do??

32. Sometimes the water you boil your cabbage in tastes as good as a nice cup of tea.

33. Look enigmatic and you’ll get away with murder.

34. Reading the instructions makes all the difference.

35. Dating in your dotage is exactly the same as dating in your youth: except nowadays it is appararently obligatory to throw a bit of lip nibbling into the equation during the first kiss.

36.  It is physically impossible to tickle yourself. It’s such a shame.

37.   Education is a gift.

38.  No-one is ever going to take me camping. Damn you all!

39. Even the woman who looks like she lives in a magazine spread occasionally loses her keys or sprays hair mousse under her arms.

40.  Somedays soup out of a tin is tastier than any homemade effort.

41. The nights I can’t wait to get into bed are the nights I’ll find myself suffering  restless legs and a  busy brain.

42.  I like my bed better  than yours.

43. I will never forgive Santa for not bringing me the patent leather high heels I asked for when I was twelve. Never ever never. That man is in my bad books.

44. There is no escaping your children. They follow you round  like irritating gremlins and make  unreasonable demands on your time and patience.

45. I am more tolerant of dirt than most women.

46. Old men with yukky coughs go to public libraries to  spread their germs.

47. Eargasmic is a  very good word indeed. Crackling fires and the pitter patter of summer rain are fine examples of eargasmic sounds.

48.   I am never going to be a lorry driver. No siree.

49.   I can’t behave myself long enough to get to the bottom of my ironing pile.

50.  The  idea of a heaven for children waiting to be born as in  The  Bluebird is  utterly blissful.

51.   Reality Tv is a fiddle.

52. Actually having watched the tv crew black out my windows at 11.00 in the morning, I now consider all tv to be a bit of a fiddle.

53. That said I am at my happiest sitting in front of Coronation Street with a bowl of Scouse on my knee. You know where you are with Scouse and Vera Duckworth…

54. You should never judge a man on the kind of bath he has had installed.

55. If you don’t eat you will lose weight. (Its pure magic).

56. Toilet humour of any kind isn’t funny. Unless you are six.

57. The universe truly is conspiring to make you happy, you just have to st0p getting in it’s way.

58. Bed is the best place to be when you are blue.

59. Twenty words are better than ten.

60. Everybody likes gin and mushrooms. And people who say they don’t are just being awkward because both things are deeply inoffensive.

61. A leopard never changes it’s spots, but sometimes it can do a really rather excellent impression of a zebra.

62. Barbed wire isn’t impenetrable.

63. I like what I like and I prefer it if you like what I like too.

64. Traffic wardens were tell-tales at school.

65. Even though I have told Finley he can have a dog when he is five, I am NEVER having a dog. Until he’s five.

66. Food is not always the way to a mans heart. Some days they just aren’t hungry.

67. Regret is a waste of energy. Onwards and upwards please.

68. People only pretend to like Christmas Pudding.

69. You are never going to see me in a mini-skirt.

70. Though I’m sorry to say that the good ladies of the Harper Valley PTA probably wouldn’t approve of me regardless.

71.  No-one knows your child better than you do.

72.   Christmas Eve is the most magical day of the year.

73. There but for the grace of God goes the Mummy sneering at you in the freezer aisle while your babba has a hissy fit because you won’t let him have another packet of Monster Munch.

74. Even mean people are sad under their skin. There is always an explanation. A reason.

75. One of your baubles will have smashed in a mysterious fashion when you come to decorate your tree.

76.  The Spice Girls are single handedly responsible  for destroying real Girl Power. It’s mostly Victoria Beckhams fault.

77. You mustn’t judge your friends. Even when they say something that makes you want to smack them.

78. Smacking your friends is deeply innapropriate. However telling them they are wearing bad shoes is occasionally called for.

79. Pressing your knuckles deep into the sockets of your eyes is a surefire route to temporary bliss.

80. Get carried away with fancy schmancy recipes  for a dinner party and trust me you will regret it.

81. Secondhand bookshops are tiny corners of heaven on earth.

82.  James Dean was the  most beautiful man to ever  exist.

83.  If there was something precious to be kept, my family wouldn’t choose me to be it’s keeper.  I am not to be trusted.

84. Give a dog a bad name and your sister will never let it go.

85.  The day I accidentally smacked myself  in the face  (while swinging my arm back to smack him) and knocked myself out is NOT the funniest thing my Dad has ever seen.

86. I look great in a certain shade of hard to be found coral

87. The Mommies with bobs and serious glasses at the school gate find my wellies and snazzy scarf combination a bit too much too take at nine o’clock in the morning.

88. Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it.

89. Snobbery is the worst kind of social deviance.

90. When things couldn’t be worse you will find solace in poetry.

91. Internet dating was invented for optimistic fools. Bless us.

92. Banishing germs with a barrage of chemicals won’t prevent your family members from developing the lurgy. If they are gonna get it, they will get it.

93. I wouldn’t mind being Sophie Dahl.

94. Wearing holey knickers doesn’t make you a bad person. Just one who knows the meaning of comfort.

95. Crying helps. In most situations.

96. Occasionally I get my virtual and my real life confused.

97. Nothing feels as utterly scrumptious as a kiss from your babba.

98. They don’t make movies like they used to.

99. Blogging changes lives.

100. Having a room of one’s own is terribly important. (Though an armchair will suffice)

101. I don’t know a thing for sure

Other Things To Do At BrocanteHome

19 Comments

  1. Grace says:

    What a great and wonderful list! I want to know how in the world you even begin to tell your bra size by dipping your breasts in a bowl of water!
    I agree – snobbery is the worst form of social deviance!

  2. Susannah says:

    I agree with most, but this one is special to me 🙂
    81. Secondhand bookshops are tiny corners of heaven on earth.
    Also, deciding to be happy. It works most of the time!

  3. Susana says:

    Oh I just Love Ya! 🙂
    -Susana
    Albuquerque, NM USA

  4. OohLaLaura says:

    Oh, Alison-
    I do so love your lists….thank you.
    74. Even mean people are sad under their skin. There is always an explanation. A reason.
    -I especially needed to hear that one today.
    I wish there were more people like you. Actually, I think there ARE, but we're always so stuck in these shells we live in. I want to try to ferret out the good stuff in folks….I wish our shells were more transparent. It would make things infinitely easier AND harder. It's hard to be so….yourself. But you do a lovely job of it!
    -OohLaLaura

  5. JadeMichele says:

    I really wish you lived next door

  6. There's just no way I could name a favorite one (or ten) of these. Such a delightful, sassy list–it really made me smile!

  7. Sasha says:

    Gosh yes – come and live next door to me too!!! We need a little village to house us all don't we??? A kind of Port Merion (Prisoner) for vintage housekeepers!!! We would all laugh over the same things over tea and jelly lips and not feel kind of 'kooky'……

  8. Ali says:

    I was waiting for no. 101.
    Ali 😉

  9. Lynda says:

    23. Eligible batchelors over the age of 35 are eligible for a very good reason or ten. Trust me: I've endured them all.
    … and I've endured the rest! Cheers, chuck!

  10. Anita says:

    Absolutely perfect list!
    What I know for sure? I need to stop looking at your sidebars… I bought one of the eBay items there… Buying something just for MYSELF at Christmas time… The nerve!! 😉

  11. Merci Alison, j'ai bien ri ! (Thank you Alison, I laughed a lot!)

  12. TX Poppet says:

    I wept when I read:
    68. People only pretend to like Christmas Pudding
    Dear beloved Alison, I fear you have been given bad pud. No one should ever have to suffer through bad pud. I must assure you that I do not slave over bad pud. My Christmas pudding is sublime as evidenced by how quickly it disappears every Christmas. Perhaps the rum hard sauce has something to do with it?

  13. Laura of the valley says:

    What a wonderful list I laughed out loud when I read no. 16 my daughter who was sitting nearby thinks I've gone mad. :o)I've always known God has a sense of humor. I also need to stop looking at the side bar. I bought the most delightful quilt. It's lovely and very pretty and feels wonderful. I've enjoyed cuddling up even more.

  14. anna marie says:

    Oh Alison, write a book, pretty please? Thanks for making me laugh!
    Best,
    Anna Marie

  15. Lorraine says:

    Loved your whole list and I stand in awe of your writing powers and skills! The one and only thing I know for sure is that 5 minutes after I let my cat outside, he's gonna want back in … and vice versa.

  16. Carol M says:

    Here's one to add:
    102. My fans suffer severe withdrawal symptoms when I don't post every day.
    Reading your blog is part of my morning ritual. Hurry back with more, please. Though I must admit I've read your list several times now, and I get more out of it each time. Love the way your mind works!

  17. -paracetamol ?- I had to look this one up because I feared you were taking hard drugs. Paracetamol is what we USA folks call Tylenol. I personally prefer Excedrin with its caffeine.

  18. kelleigh says:

    That's a phenomenal list..thanks for the reminder re 'inappropriateness of smacking friends' – you're right, there are better ways to be helpful.

  19. GardenPinkie says:

    Oh my goodness! I can't sleep next to people who breathe either…which makes staying alive throughout the night difficult for my hubby. I just stumbled upon your blog and already feel as though I know you. Thanks for a great read from the Piney Woods of East Texas.
    kelly

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