Wild Mind.

By alison February 11, 2007 30 Comments 3 Min Read

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I’m having a stupid weekend.

On Friday I did something I will probably regret forever, something that makes me shudder just thinking about it, because  I  allowed myself to be vulnerable, told the truth,  revealed too much of who I  am, and gave away  a  little piece of me I can never have back. Doesn’t matter what it was, only matters that it hurts so much it almost chokes me.

Once upon a time someone told me to never tell  an American I have carpet in my bathroom, but oops, I’ve said it. Two truths in one weekend.  I have carpet in my bathroom. Isn’t it a terrible state of affairs? Is this the kind of thing that can send you winging your way into social leprousy in the USA?

I tell you this because I feel kind of loose. As if there is no stopping my mouth running away with me,  and almost as if I just don’t care. As if , if I don’t start wandering around whispering the truth, I may find  myself  standing on a  soapbox in the middle of Hyde Park shouting it from the rooftops.

So Friday I whispered the truth and when I didn’t get a response I sort of shouted (Kinda: I HAVE CARPET IN MY BATHROOM! WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT??) you have to listen to meI’m hurting here, and the truth went down like a lead balloon, but hey ho it is out there now and there is just no means  of unsaying things no matter how much we want to…

We get used to censoring ourselves don’t we? We write in these blogs daily and none of us ever tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Lets face it, it just wouldn’t do: we would frighten the horses, scare the kids, disappoint our Mothers and reveal ourselves to be too human. By telling the whole truth, by seeking reassurance, justification or simply an ear to listen we fear merely inviting rejection, judgement or the kind of shock we apply to those willing to speak out loud the dreams and nightmares we all endure.  It is nothing other than human nature and if we are honest it is human nature we fear most. And so we whisper, we force our readers to read between the lines and we beg them to understand whatever it is they think we are trying to say. And everyone of them happily plays along with the charade…

But what would happen if we didn’t? What if  instead of issuing carefully constructed posts full of half truths, we embraced "wild mind", starting typing whatever was playing on our minds and then pressed publish? Without checking for spelling mistakes, or socially innappropriate admissions? Ignoring the inner voice that screams "You can’t say that!!" and said it regardless. What if all us admitted to having carpet in our bathroom and decided to live with the consequences…

I regret much of what I said on Friday. I let myself be vulnerable. but in the end regret is part of who we are and we have to allow it form a layer between what is real and what is not.

Maybe it is time to judged on who we really are, on our bad taste in unsanitary floor coverings and our total, absolute willingness to cry out loud.

To dare to dream regardless.

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30 Comments

  1. phyllis says:

    I hear ya, but…no. Don't want any regrets to have to live with 🙂

  2. Pamela says:

    Wow. You just made me realize why I can't get a rhythm going with my blog. My truth is far too ugly right now, and what results is ridiculously artificial. No wonder it feels forced and shallow. Thank you for that post. And may we all have a day when being vulnerable isn't so costly.

  3. Andrea says:

    Sometimes it is just so cathartic to write it all down and get it out there. It helps to sort out that wild mind. Consequences be damned.
    And, um, I used to have carpet in my bathrooms and I am American.

  4. Polly says:

    We've all been there! I still have dreams about conversations with my exhusband that leave me hurting and embarrased in the morning.
    As I attempt to tell you of a different time that I said too much, I have erased the paragraph twice because I just can't seem to say it in a way that makes me not look as bad as how it really was.
    It's a new day. Tomorrow it will be a new week…My 94 year old great grandmother used to say, "A hundred years from now, nobody will know the difference."

  5. Polly says:

    We've all been there! I still have dreams about conversations with my exhusband that leave me hurting and embarrased in the morning.
    As I attempt to tell you of a different time that I said too much, I have erased the paragraph twice because I just can't seem to say it in a way that makes me not look as bad as how it really was.
    It's a new day. Tomorrow it will be a new week…My 94 year old great grandmother used to say, "A hundred years from now, nobody will know the difference."

  6. lazy h says:

    Poor Alison, it's horrible to feel like that. I know all too well, as I'm always saying/writing things I regret. Even in comment columns!
    I know that I don't really know you from reading this blog. But sometimes I think I do. Blogs are difficult because they seem private but are public, and I think we all forget that now and again – writers and readers. For someone who is trying to be open and honest about her experiences, it must be a very fine balance to maintain.
    Don't worry though. It'll be fine. Listen to Polly.

  7. lizzie says:

    I m suprised and a little disapointed about the carpetbut dont beat yourself up over it. I had carpet in my first bathroom in Redbourn but my eldest frowed up on it and then in our house in Scotland I had carpet but it was there when we arrived and my two younger sons kept smearing toothpaste on it in the early hours of the morning. I quite liked it – you never have to wash the floor- just vacumn sometimes.

  8. lizzie says:

    I m suprised and a little disapointed about the carpetbut dont beat yourself up over it. I had carpet in my first bathroom in Redbourn but my eldest frowed up on it and then in our house in Scotland I had carpet but it was there when we arrived and my two younger sons kept smearing toothpaste on it in the early hours of the morning. I quite liked it – you never have to wash the floor- just vacumn sometimes.

  9. Elaine says:

    First off – it's your bathroom and one person's hygiene is another person's Howard Hughes. As to leaving yourself vulnerable by sharing – that is not your fault, other than to have made a mistake in whom you chose to confide in. Don't beat yourself up with mortification – the looseness you describe could just be settling into your new skin. Also – gah to judgemental people 🙂

  10. Elaine says:

    First off – it's your bathroom and one person's hygiene is another person's Howard Hughes. As to leaving yourself vulnerable by sharing – that is not your fault, other than to have made a mistake in whom you chose to confide in. Don't beat yourself up with mortification – the looseness you describe could just be settling into your new skin. Also – gah to judgemental people 🙂

  11. Amber says:

    I agree with you about the hidden self that we rarely reveal. And I have found myself in the same situation as you too many times to count. Is it a character flaw or just a willingness to be honest?

  12. Susana says:

    Oh Alison, I have totally done the same. I am so imprudent sometimes, and I often end up thinking, "Why did I say that!" or "That was way too much information!" It feels good to just be ourselves and not hinder our feelings and thoughts. We just have to be cautious to try not to hurt others or ourselves whilst "letting it all out!" Don't worry about it, we're all human! We are all so much more alike than not. Don't worry about being yourself on the blog either. None of us are perfect, and we certainly don't expect you to be either. -Susana

  13. Susana says:

    Oh Alison, I have totally done the same. I am so imprudent sometimes, and I often end up thinking, "Why did I say that!" or "That was way too much information!" It feels good to just be ourselves and not hinder our feelings and thoughts. We just have to be cautious to try not to hurt others or ourselves whilst "letting it all out!" Don't worry about it, we're all human! We are all so much more alike than not. Don't worry about being yourself on the blog either. None of us are perfect, and we certainly don't expect you to be either. -Susana

  14. Lisa says:

    I just realized why I like you so much. I so admire your authenticity.
    Not so much your carpeted bathroom. 😉

  15. ashley says:

    hi there…i think we all SHOULD be honest, if not here, where? we don't see each other, (most of us) we don't even really know each other, so why in the heck does it do any good to airbrush our lives to other bloggers. i told everyone who reads my blog a big secret…it's not a secret to those i know in person, but it was something on my mind about a dream that is probably dying…it felt good to be me and not have to gloss over my feelings by posting something cute and wonderful. so, ya said something you regret…try not to think about it and continue punishing yourself. and btw, we HAD carpet in our bathrooms…i hated it, we tiled it and now i sorta miss it, it was cozy and soft (probably not too clean) but cozy and soft nonetheless. it's okay to be unpretty now and then, makes the rest of us feel normal since we're all that way at times (probably 95%).
    blessings…

  16. ashley says:

    hi there…i think we all SHOULD be honest, if not here, where? we don't see each other, (most of us) we don't even really know each other, so why in the heck does it do any good to airbrush our lives to other bloggers. i told everyone who reads my blog a big secret…it's not a secret to those i know in person, but it was something on my mind about a dream that is probably dying…it felt good to be me and not have to gloss over my feelings by posting something cute and wonderful. so, ya said something you regret…try not to think about it and continue punishing yourself. and btw, we HAD carpet in our bathrooms…i hated it, we tiled it and now i sorta miss it, it was cozy and soft (probably not too clean) but cozy and soft nonetheless. it's okay to be unpretty now and then, makes the rest of us feel normal since we're all that way at times (probably 95%).
    blessings…

  17. Randi says:

    Dear Heart, I'm an American and I've had carpet in my bathrooms and right now, I have carpet in my kitchen! Horrors! Honesty is refreshing, I think.

  18. Helen says:

    It's so dangerous this blog-land thing, isn't it? I was inspired by one post on another blog and went off at a tangent of ponderings of my own, linking them into hers and she wholly objected to the relationship. I had to edit, remove and retract. I felt like a politician. And that had been the day when I breathed in deep, looked away from the screen and just typed.
    That'll teach em.
    I think you did no wrong on Friday and I'm sorry that it backfired for you. xx

  19. Helen says:

    It's so dangerous this blog-land thing, isn't it? I was inspired by one post on another blog and went off at a tangent of ponderings of my own, linking them into hers and she wholly objected to the relationship. I had to edit, remove and retract. I felt like a politician. And that had been the day when I breathed in deep, looked away from the screen and just typed.
    That'll teach em.
    I think you did no wrong on Friday and I'm sorry that it backfired for you. xx

  20. Whatever we do, rigth or wrong, there always will be people that think it's wrong. What I do is going by my own head and never mind what others say if all they want is to knock me down.
    Feel in peace with yourself and never mind the others – the bad ones, I mean.

  21. Tanya says:

    I understand too… I really do because I am going through sonething and If I wrote about it that would be the end of it all.. I too want to let myself be vunerable with someone but I am too scared! ohhhhh the suffering…we're all the same girlfriend 🙂

  22. Tanya says:

    I understand too… I really do because I am going through sonething and If I wrote about it that would be the end of it all.. I too want to let myself be vunerable with someone but I am too scared! ohhhhh the suffering…we're all the same girlfriend 🙂

  23. jane says:

    Forget wearing my heart on my sleeve. I wear mine emblazened on my forehead ~ and it always ends up biting me on the ***. At 46, you'd think I would have had enough of the "munching".
    Authenticity feels better to me than living a shrouded existence…unfortunately, not everyone feels the same.

  24. carol says:

    hi Alison
    being a lancashire girl myself I do understand carpet in the bathroom.And I will encourage you to always be honest. it really helps cause if questioned you will always reveal the truth
    carol

  25. carol says:

    hi Alison
    being a lancashire girl myself I do understand carpet in the bathroom.And I will encourage you to always be honest. it really helps cause if questioned you will always reveal the truth
    carol

  26. pam says:

    My mother-in-law is American and she has had carpet in the bathroom since day 1. 1000 years ago.

  27. Karla says:

    I am a proud carpet-in-the-bathroom-American (not necessarily proud to be American right now, but I"m proud of having carpet in my bathroom).
    I think being an open book and not having secrets is healthy in most cases. I was just thinking about this topic yesterday.
    I'm sad you felt the need to take Friday's post down. I hope you will not regret it. I believe that your mouth speaks out of your heart.I didn't see anything on Friday that you need to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

  28. Karla, it's back up…

  29. Karla, it's back up…

  30. mimi x x x says:

    I was only reading in a book the other day that the biggest sin you can commit is to have carpet in your bathroom because it is 'unhygenic'- eh? As it happens, my Aunt, who is quite one of the most fabulous people I know (she reminds me of Alexandra Stoddard, both to look at and how she lives her life) has the thickest, plushest carpet in her guest bathroom. Walking on it is like walking on a deep fluffy blanket. The second I walked in that room I decided that when I have a bathroom of my own (one that I dont rent, anyway)! I am going to save up my pennies so my toes can have that squishy loveliness every single day. There! I am outed! I like carpet in the bathroom too.

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